Tough Situation

[PiNK_DiAM0ND]

I mainly joined this site because I wanted some advice and opinions from people I don't know and a place where I can come and talk about my situation and not have it be tied back to who I really am and nobody I know finding out..hopefully.

I've been with my bf for 4 and a half years now. 5 years in December. We really do love each other and like every couple we have our ups and downs and we fight. That's typical though right? At the end of the day we still love each other and we're still happy with each other. Here's the problem though. Almost 9 years ago I met a guy online and we talked and talked and talked. To this day we still text each other. My bf however does not know that and wouldn't be happy if he knew. I've never met this guy, just talked to him online and through texts and we've also skyped. I feel like I've loved him for years now and he says he loves me as well. I fell in love with this guy obviously before meeting my bf and then fell in love with my bf when we first started dating. I love both guys. This other guy knows I have a bf, too. The other guy really wants to meet me. He's been wanting to meet me for years. I wanna meet this guy and see how things go. If I love him I feel like I owe it to myself to at least meet him and see how things go. I owe it to my bf to not cheat though and I wouldn't. Well I wouldn't sexually cheat on him. I could never tell my bf I was meeting up with someone to hang out. It would have to be behind his back. I really don't know what to do. This guy is willing to come and meet me if I'm ready to meet him as well and I think I am. Do you all think I should at least take a chance on meeting this guy to see how things go? If I don't I will forever wonder what could have been.

[VincenzoG91]

It's a bad idea. You should have met the internet guy years ago or never. Everybody is always on their best behavior at first, so there's no way you could figure out anything more than attraction and chemistry on that first date. It would take months before you get to really know the internet guy, and by then you would have either wrecked your relationship with your long-term boyfriend, or been doing some serious cheating. And you might go to all that trouble and find out that there is something wrong with the internet guy, like maybe he is married.

Separate from all that, I don't believe that you can romantically love two people at the same time, not if you really understand the meaning of love. You love the attention, anyway.

[PiNK_DiAM0ND]

I feel bad about doing this to my bf but at the same time I still wanna meet this guy. I know I shouldn't like this guy or wanna be with him though. I wish I could meet him at least once, see him, talk to him and then explain why I need to cut all ties with him.

I also have this guy as a friend on Facebook. He actually got out of a relationship with his gf a couple of months ago so I know he's not married. He's also only 23 and just graduated college and got a real job. He said if I really do wanna meet him he finally has time. he said he wouldn't come see me though until I gave him the ok which I haven't yet and don't know if I really want to yet. I know I shouldn't though. It's hard.

[D e L]

This is a tough one, I understand your conflict. In one hand it is simply a bad idea; there are so many ways this can go badly for you... your bf could find out, things could get out of hand when you meet this guy and you might cheat in some fashion regardless of intention. The list goes on.

But in the other hand if you don't pursue it, you will always wonder what if... and that can eat at a person after time.

Here is my advice: you have been with your current bf for 4.5 years and are still happy and in love... being both of those things after that much time is actually not as common as you thing. In life it is actually the exception, not the rule. It is really not risking that over a 'what if' regardless how long you have known him through the internet (and thats certainly not the same as being with someone in real life). Find peace with what you have, count your blessings, and be happy with what you have. You are young, there very well be a time in the future for the two of you to meet that wont be bound by any guilt... trust me you dont want that!

[toknow]

Wait, are you collecting them as souvenirs!? You obviously have not found the right guy, because if you have, you would like him more than any other.

I say all of the 3(!) guys are not for you, but I'm not going to tell you not to meet them because this is what you want. No one should force you to not do anything. And if you are loyal, it should only be because you want to be and you don't even have the desire to be with someone else - not cheating out of feeling bad about it though wanting it, is pretty much the same as cheating, it just shows you are bit more decent person. Very sad situation for you and God forbid whoever is with you. You'll be 70 and you might still be looking for the next man. I wish girls like that came with tags, so decent people wouldn't end up with one of them. I'm not trying to be brutal, but I am being brutally honest. Do you think your boyfriend would have ever wanted to get with you if he knew what he is in for? If he loves you, this will hurt him very badly.

[PiNK_DiAM0ND]

This is a tough one, I understand your conflict. In one hand it is simply a bad idea; there are so many ways this can go badly for you... your bf could find out, things could get out of hand when you meet this guy and you might cheat in some fashion regardless of intention. The list goes on.

But in the other hand if you don't pursue it, you will always wonder what if... and that can eat at a person after time.

Here is my advice: you have been with your current bf for 4.5 years and are still happy and in love... being both of those things after that much time is actually not as common as you thing. In life it is actually the exception, not the rule. It is really not risking that over a 'what if' regardless how long you have known him through the internet (and thats certainly not the same as being with someone in real life). Find peace with what you have, count your blessings, and be happy with what you have. You are young, there very well be a time in the future for the two of you to meet that wont be bound by any guilt... trust me you dont want that!

That was very good advice, thank you. I'm pretty sure this online guy will wait for me, even if he gets into another relationship. I should stay with my bf whom I love and loves me and if later on in life there is an oppurtunity to be with this online guy then I can take it if I'm still interested in him and he's still interested in me.

Wait, are you collecting them as souvenirs!? You obviously have not found the right guy, because if you have, you would like him more than any other.

I say all of the 3(!) guys are not for you, but I'm not going to tell you not to meet them because this is what you want. No one should force you to not do anything. And if you are loyal, it should only be because you want to be and you don't even have the desire to be with someone else - not cheating out of feeling bad about it though wanting it, is pretty much the same as cheating, it just shows you are bit more decent person. Very sad situation for you and God forbid whoever is with you. You'll be 70 and you might still be looking for the next man.

There are only 2 guys. The guy online, I have him as a friend on Facebook.

[toknow]

Ok. Now there are 2. The situation in this case is a bit more decent, but still there is your boyfriend who is most likely going to be hurt. I predict you will meat this guy, you will think you are hitting it off quite well and he understands you better then your boyfriend and then you'll have to dump your boyfriend. But, again I'm not going to try to stop you because this is your wish, and also because your boyfriend will be better off as well, for his sake let's hope he learns this as soon as possible.

Look I understand it's hard to find a person who matches you exactly and you have to get to know different people before you end up with the right one, but you don't need to be in relationships with them to know them, being in relationships while you are still deciding is stringing people who are serious about the relationship along and wasting their time.

[PiNK_DiAM0ND]

Ugh I know. I don't wanna hurt him but I know I would if I end up meeting this other guy. I don't wanna break things off with my wonderful long-term bf and then start dating this other guy and have things not work out very well. If that happens then of course I would wanna go back to my bf and he probably wouldn't wanna take me back and I don't blame him. I'm not sure meeting this other guy would be worth it.

[D e L]

Ugh I know. I don't wanna hurt him but I know I would if I end up meeting this other guy. I don't wanna break things off with my wonderful long-term bf and then start dating this other guy and have things not work out very well. If that happens then of course I would wanna go back to my bf and he probably wouldn't wanna take me back and I don't blame him. I'm not sure meeting this other guy would be worth it.

you just wrote your own answer right there.

[toknow]

You seem like a decent person, but in his case this is actually a negative. Because the more decent you are, the more it's going to hurt him to lose you. It would have been better for him, if you didn't care less and he knew it when you live him.

I would say, unfortunately you might have to experience the other guy (hopefully not sexually before you dump your boyfriend) because I think the curiosity will get the better of you and eventually, much, much later you will do this and then it will be much worse.

[PiNK_DiAM0ND]

I really am a decent person so I agree that it would hurt him even more. I don't think I can hurt him though and certainly ever leave him. I know I need to let this online guy go. How though? Any suggestions? I mean what would I say to him?

[toknow]

Compare the two guys. What is it you like about one and the other.

As I said, not to live him only because you want to do the right thing is noble, but if you don't truly love him, you could be keeping him from someone who would. So, to stay with someone for that reason I believe might be a mistake in the long run.
(Read my previous post as well, as I updated it and I don't think you saw it)

[PiNK_DiAM0ND]

I actually have compared them both on a piece of paper before lol. I'm sure by now some things can be changed or added to the list. I do love my bf, a lot. He means a lot to me and we're great together. He doesn't think he could find anyone else if we ever broke up. I think the online guy would be hurt if I ended things with him but not as much as my bf would be if I ended things with him.

[D e L]

I really am a decent person so I agree that it would hurt him even more. I don't think I can hurt him though and certainly ever leave him. I know I need to let this online guy go. How though? Any suggestions? I mean what would I say to him?

Yes:
"I do have feelings for you, and I would like to meet. But right now is just not the right time for us to do that. I am with <bf name> and we are happy, I don't want to chance messing that up. I hope you can understand... if things where different... its just bad timing right now."

[PiNK_DiAM0ND]

Yes:
"I do have feelings for you, and I would like to meet. But right now is just not the right time for us to do that. I am with <bf name> and we are happy, I don't want to chance messing that up. I hope you can understand... if things where different... its just bad timing right now."

I'll definitely keep that in mind, thank you.