Boyfriend of 3 years doesnt enjoy sex?

[Sinkingxbelle]

Okay, so I have an issue, and I guess the best thing to do is ask other men, before I go bat shit and break down about it. Its been happening for a while now. When my boyfriend and I first got together, we had amazing sex, and we both desired each other like crazy, it was like 5 times a day. Since then we have had a son, whom is now 2 years old. About a year ago he stopped wanting to have sex with me and resorted to watching porn a lot, this really ruined my self esteem and hurt me to the max, so I have asked him to stop watching it, which I assume he did, seeing as I haven't caught him in a long time. That being said, I have tried it all, I have tried, roll playing his fetish's, Lingerie, fishnets, dirty talk, everything you can think of to go out of my way to please him. Now I am a chubbier girl, I am not fat but I am chubby, and he has openly admitted he prefers skinny women. this has never been an issue before now, because he always has acted like he desired me and wanted my body, but now he doesn't touch me, he doesn't go out of his way to please me at all, he just does whatever he needs to quickly cum, and then he leaves me without being pleasured at all. He gets very very angry when I bring up our sexual issues, claiming I scrutinize it way to much, and claims there is no problem. He has openly told me that I am to big for him to move around, (he is not very strong and kind of small), before him I have always been with bigger guys who were able to move me around and such and it diddnt feel as awkward. That being said once again, it hasnt always been awkward, just this past year, sex is scarce, and I am starting to become very down on myself wondering what I am doing wrong to make him not desire me and be frustrated with me all the time, I cry a lot when he is not here wondering what is wrong with me to have the person who is supposed to make you feel good and wanted not want you anymore. Its really breaking me down. I do believe he loves me, and I love him very much. I do not have literal thoughts of leaving him, though I do fantasize now of what it would be like to have someone who loves the things I do to please him, and enjoys my body instead of acting so turned off by me. I am unsure if maybe I am at fault here? So I just figured I would ask some advice from some other men, because he used to have a high sex drive, and now he barely wants it, and when he does he wants a quickie or else he feels frustrated. There is no passion, there is no desire on his part, and I long so much for that! I am young, only 20 years old, and he is 23. He is not cheating, he is either at home or at work, he works at a call center with friends so I know he isnt cheating, and I trust him. Thanks for reading!

[Hamburglar0]

Sounds like a tough situation. I'm not sure how much help I can be, but I would like to offer a couple of thoughts:

1. It's definitely not your 'fault'. If he has lost some of the sexual attraction towards you, that's on his part (unless you've changed your appearance dramatically since you began dating, but it doesn't sound like that's the case).

2. It could be related to a medical problem of his -- sometimes low testosterone levels (and other treatable medical conditions) can result in lower libido.

3. Even though he doesn't want to talk about, this is definitely something that the two of you should probably discuss. Does he understand the seriousness of the situation and how you feel? Maybe he doesn't.

4. You mention that your weight is something you're concerned about... maybe it would help if he knew you were actively working on dropping a few pounds to make yourself more attractive? I don't know about other men, but the mere fact that my girlfriend wants to lose weight and look sexier for me is somewhat of a turn-on.

Good luck, hopefully you can sort it out and get back to a healthy sex life soon!

[toknow]

You know, they say if he loves you he'll love you even if you are fat and that's true. BUT, if you love your significant other, you will do whatever it takes to look good for them. If you see them letting themselves go, that means they don't care how they'll look for you. And that's a bad sign - shows lack of love.

So, if your loved one sees you gorging on a burger and not trying to look good, they see (even if not consciously) you choosing a bit of food over the relationship. And that clearly shows the relationship must not mean that much to you. That's why the other person might get frustrated, because they feel they are less important to you than a burger.

Now had he liked big women and you knew that, there would be no problem. So, the problem here is not your eating the burger, but what that signifies.

[oldskool83]

did you change alot or somthing. need to be honest and prob tell us what kinda porn hes lookin at now. if its midget sex with donkeys then wel he needs big time help.

[Sinkingxbelle]

It was strange taboo, but he stopped looking at it. He has fetishes for older women and I do not fit his fetish, but I do try to do role play and fit the part as well as I can. I have not changed a lot, I have actually lost weight since we got together. I do not eat burgers lol, unless we are both eating burgers, which is not overly often. I am not HUGE, Just chubby, like I said, not considered fat. I havnt changed anything, other than becoming a mother, which is something that is a fetish for him, he has a thing for milfs. That being said I am still young, so maybe I am just not what he wants sexually, although that was not the case up until about a year ago, because we used to not be able to even go out or do something without ending up having sex. I am confused now, and I just wish he would openly discuss it. We are going to therapy and I brought it up in therapy, he diddnt even really say much other than that he would try, and he hasnt. I ordered myself a new sex toy yesterday, Because I am starting to become a very sexually frustrated individual. =[

[Hamburglar0]

We are going to therapy and I brought it up in therapy, he diddnt even really say much other than that he would try, and he hasnt. I ordered myself a new sex toy yesterday, Because I am starting to become a very sexually frustrated individual. =[

Both of these things sound like good ideas. Therapy should be a place where he can comfortably talk about these issues.... plus the fact that you've ordered a sex toy should hopefully wake him up to the fact that he's not doing a good job of sexually satisfying you. Ideally he'll realize that and try to fix the situation.

[Sinkingxbelle]

Not only does he not do a good job of satisfying me sexually, he acts mean towards me all the time. I constantly feel he hates me. I am growing so sick of this, and I am starting to feel like he doesnt deserve to be with me, by the way he treats me sometimes, and he gets away with it because of my low self esteem, I feel I do not deserve better, when in all reality the way he treats me is wrong, I often feel I deserve it. He is not only mean to me, but he treats me as though I am unimportant to him at all times. He never flatters me, he never compliments me, he never says I love you, he is down right mean to me. He makes me cry daily, if not more. I am starting to become so low. I love him I wish he would just treat me properly. He claims he loves me, yet he shows nothing to support it, other than cuddling from time to time, and conversation from time to time.

[Hamburglar0]

Not only does he not do a good job of satisfying me sexually, he acts mean towards me all the time. I constantly feel he hates me. I am growing so sick of this, and I am starting to feel like he doesnt deserve to be with me, by the way he treats me sometimes, and he gets away with it because of my low self esteem, I feel I do not deserve better, when in all reality the way he treats me is wrong, I often feel I deserve it. He is not only mean to me, but he treats me as though I am unimportant to him at all times. He never flatters me, he never compliments me, he never says I love you, he is down right mean to me. He makes me cry daily, if not more. I am starting to become so low. I love him I wish he would just treat me properly. He claims he loves me, yet he shows nothing to support it, other than cuddling from time to time, and conversation from time to time.

That's not the way you should feel in any relationship, let alone one of 3 years and with a man whom you have a child with. Definitely all stuff you should be talking to him about in therapy.

[vashti]

Was yours a planned pregnancy? Because it sounds like he is resentful of you for some reason, and it probably isn't about weight at all.

[Sinkingxbelle]

The child was not planned, He doesnt resent me for our son, he loves our son if anything he loves me more because of him.

[Sinkingxbelle]

He may however resent the fact I put a halt to his porn addiction. He was looking at porn everyday, it really hurts me, he would do it behind my back and lie about it. Then he never wanted to have sex with me as a result. I feel so gross and not what he wants when he views porn, it just breaks me into pieces. So I monitor his computer use, I always stay in the same room. He has screwed me over so many times telling me and promising me he would stop, because it hurt me, and he diddnt want to hurt me. Then the next day I would catch him. It became a huge issue. I can not trust him now, since he has lied so much.

[Boisdevie]

You both need marriage counselling BIG TIME. Because if you don't resolve these problems your marriage is not going to last.

[searock]

Did he start not wanting to have sex with you before or after you stopped him from watching porn?

I have yet to meet a guy who does not watch porn. There's nothing wrong with it, as long as it doesn't become an addiction and/or messes up a guy's sex life.

[toknow]

There's nothing wrong with it, as long as it doesn't become an addiction and/or messes up a guy's sex life.

So you mean, it's always wrong...lol.

[searock]

Well, not in my experience. Both the guys I've had relationships with watch porn and it never damaged our sex life :-).