feeling more like a convenience girlfriend than special

[inmyshoes]

I've been with my boyfriend for five months. To give a super brief background, we met freshmen year of college and became great friends. Then we started dating late winter of sophomore year, and things since then have been generally great. He's my first relationship, and personality wise, he is the perfect person for me. I feel like I can tell him anything and will never be judged and he is just an absolutely sensational person who makes me so happy.

The problem happened a few days ago when I finally got the courage to tell him that I love him. He lives about two hours away, and right before I left, I told him. Honestly, I wasn't expecting to hear it back, I just wanted him to know, and I wanted to tell him because I really truly do. He didn't say it, and you could that though he was smiling, he was kind of uncomfortable. So basically I regretted it instantly, and later on when I got home, he tells me 2 things. 1, he doesn't believe in love, and 2, he thinks we're too young to know what love it. I was incredibly disappointed, especially because I kind of felt like he might feel the same way, and wasn't expecting anything less than a "well I'm not just there yet".

But basically, this got us talking about a whole bunch of other things. We kind of just put everything out there for each other so we aren't surprised in the future. To sum things up quickly, he said that he thought we were both on the same page, that it just seems like I'm more committed than he is, and that he cares about me and likes me more than anyone he's ever liked before, and loves to spend time with me and talk to me, and that he's not looking for anything more or anything less in a relationship than what we have and just wants to stay "in this comfortable zone". Which I kind of saw immediately as a huge red flag. So I kind of stated what I felt a relationship means to me, how I think it's when you care so much about someone you just want to do anything to make them happy and be with them and be the reason that they smile, and that a relationship is constantly progressing, that's the point of a relationship, and a relationship is a commitment! He didn't seem to agree really at all.

We also talked about other things, kissing being one of them. The only time we ever kiss is when it's time to say goodnight/goodbye, and he says that that's just kind of the person that he is, that he'd rather actually watch a movie with me and enjoy my company rather than make out, which is basically all he did with his other gfs, because he genuinely likes me. Among this and other things, such as him not being too upset when I left him after visiting only for two and a half days and being kind of glad to be able to do his own thing again, he really doesn't make me feel special, either. I'm beginning to feel like a convenience girlfriend, honestly. At school, he only spends time with me usually when I initiate it or when he's not busy with somebody else. He doesn't show me any affection other than kissing me goodnight, and I really don't feel any different than any other one of his friends - he cares about me and likes me a lot and enjoys my company. I'm just one that he kisses every once in a while so that he can call it a relationship. But it's just...everyone wants to feel important, I'd like to think. And I might be naive because this is my first relationship, but I always thought that when you're in a relationship with someone, they become one of the most important people in your life. Personally, I feel like he's just going through the motions of what he thinks is supposed to happen when you're in a relationship with someone, if you will. (Like the first time we made out, it was again, right before he said goodnight one night, and later on said that "it seemed like a opportune time", like he just wanted to do it to get it over with, to check if off the list.)

I feel like i'll just put up with this because I know how he is. And like, it's hard to explain, but he's not a "normal" guy. He thinks pet names are weird, doesn't like the word sexy, and just doesn't seem as interested in being physical as I thought a boyfriend should be or as I want him to be. I just want to be first for someone, like that's what I was looking forward going into a relationship, you know? But I don't feel like I am. He has so many friends, and he just feels like he needs to please everyone, which doesn't help.

So basically, I'm just really torn. As I said, obviously I'm in love with him, and I care about him so much and feel as if I'm always trying to adjust my actions so that he's comfortable and happy, but he never does the same so he doesn't step out of this comfort zone, and I really just don't feel special. Personally, I feel like he should want to kiss me and hug me and be with me a lot, at least much much more than he does right now, and want to make me feel special. But I don't. And it just hurts because I WANT him to be the person who makes me feel that way because I love everything about him except for this, which is probably the most important. I just don't know what to do. I'm willing to give it time because I don't want to be without him but I'm just longing for so much more than I think he has to give me, and I don't know if he's ever going to be different.

Thanks so much for reading if you've read all this!

[smackie9]

You are in the wrong relationship. Sorry but he just has you around for the regular supply of sex and someone to hang around with. He is not weird, there are guys that are not interested in getting emotionally attached, in fact they think it's a waste of time. You can't make him into the ideal BF that you always wanted no matter how long you wait. 5 months and there's no passion? no I love you? you are just wasting your time then. If your relationship expectations are not being met, then you need to end it and meet someone who does. That is the reality of dating and relationships....they don't always work out. He already knows how you feel and he is just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Or quite possibly he is gay.

[smackie9]

To add I have dumped guys because I didn't see any progression in the relationship. There was no point in sticking around.

[searock]

Do you have sex of do you just kiss once in a while? ...might he be gay?

[bulrush]

He didn't say it, and you could that though he was smiling, he was kind of uncomfortable. So basically I regretted it instantly,

Well, you shouldn't regret at least taking a chance. He is too young to be comfortable with feelings yet.

just wants to stay "in this comfortable zone". Which I kind of saw immediately as a huge red flag

Why would this be a red flag? At least he was honest with you. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to get married, it also doesn't mean he's ready for marriage RIGHT NOW. You are overreacting, probably because you lack serious experience in this area, and you don't understand how men and women brains develop. Men need many more years, in general, to get used to the emotional part of a relationship.

So I kind of stated what I felt a relationship means to me, how I think it's when you care so much about someone you just want to do anything to make them happy and be with them and be the reason that they smile, and that a relationship is constantly progressing,

What you just said is a fairytale. That's how YOU think a relationship should be. He is a whole different person who has his own thoughts. Just because you two are different doesn't mean you cannot make things work.

- he really doesn't make me feel special, either.
- everyone wants to feel important, I'd like to think.

Again, this is not a Disney fairytale. You have this ideal you made up in your head, and if everything is not perfect, you think the relationship is going to end. I think more experience with dating other people might help you see that people can be different but still get along. If you need more affection, you should ask him to do that. Talk about it like adults. If it's important, ask every 2-3 days. If you don't keep talking about it, he will know it's not important to you. It's your responsibility to talk about things that you need.

And I might be naive because this is my first relationship,...

I care about him so much and feel as if I'm always trying to adjust my actions so that he's comfortable and happy, but he never does the same

Emotionally, he's still developing. You can't expect him to do the same things you would, because he is a different person.

And it just hurts because I WANT him to be the person who makes me feel that way because I love everything about him except for this, which is probably the most important.

You want him to be this perfect person you have designed in your head, and thus you have set yourself up for disappointment. I'm sure you're not everything he wants either, but he doesn't say that. I'm sure you don't meet his ideal either.

and just doesn't seem as interested in being physical as I thought a boyfriend should be or as I want him to be.

It's not his fault if you don't ask for more. Have you asked to be more physical? What are the exact words you said to him?