New girlfriend who cheated on her ex dilemma.

[Vgty4567]

I've just got together with a girl who, for years, I have fancied.*

She has been totally honest and told me she cheated on her ex several times. From what I've heard from her and the fact that he contacted me and others (who don't know him) after their relationship split to warn me of her character flaw - he does sound slightly unhinged and emotionally unstable. The relationship sounded controlling and awful.*

I could overlook the cheating and was starting to think that it would be different with me when we had an awkward conversation.*

She said that when she was caught cheating she was sick with guilt with what she had done and gave this as her reason for never wanting to put someone through that again. Thus never cheating again. She did blame him for making her feel worthless, but also totally admitted it was wrong regardless.*

A few days later she came clean that there was another guy too (3 that I know of in total). I asked when this had happened and it soon became apparent that it was after her ex had found out about the first one.

This rang alarm bells as her reasoning for never cheating again was the horrible guilt of her ex finding out. So why had she done it again? She had no answer. She said that she doesn't explain herself well. It also came to light that she had done the same once with her ex before. Thing is, he isn't the repressive, unhinged type like her ex.*

She knows she did wrong and there is no excuse. She can't explain any more about what she's done than she has already explained. She did say that part of the reason was her own insecurities and self esteem and for that, she is now getting counselling. Of course she says I'm totally different and would never do that to me.*

I feel caught in a trap. I really like her and really want to fall for her, but I now have a nagging feeling. I guess I now feel a little betrayed and insecure. I've talked to her about it all but am having trouble accepting the fact that she said she never do it again because of the guilt and then I find out she did it again.*

She assures me that I'm different and make her feel alive and wanted. To her credit, she's been very open with me. But my analytical brain plays forward 10 years and thinks 'What if things aren't as rosey then? Will she go back to old ways?'

The flip side is that I don't want to walk away now and wonder what could of been. In 15 years, she has been the only one that I really connect with and could see a future with. I'm not a recluse - I've had serious relationships, my last one for 4 years. This feels different.

Maybe she just can't explain herself and gets muddled? The real question is, how can I reassure myself or I am in danger of ruining what could be a happy and loving relationship.*

[AdminOnline]

"A leopard can't change its spots" ..that is my advice to you.

however, you can give the relationship a chance .. who knows? she may change her habit.. let us know at LF after 3 months.
Good luck..

[vashti]

I would feel more secure - if I were you - had this been a one-time event, because that would offer hope that she learned a lesson, but the fact that this is an established pattern is legitimate reason to worry. Protect your heart, is my best advice.

[Cerulean.]

Eh, my ex told me up front that he cheated on his ex 7 different times, and had cheated a couple times before that, too. He never cheated the whole time we were together. We broke up, though, for different reasons. People can change.

I say if you have a good mindset, you don't let her past get to you. You trust her and always make sure there is good communication. If you act insecure all the time, that will pull her away from you. That's just my opinion though because it's worked well for me.