Guidance, please.

[xxolovespells]

Over a year ago, I met a man on a dating website. He is 36 years old. Never married. No children. Does well. Graduated from Ivy League school. I am 21 years old. Senior in college. Still trying to figure out what I have to offer the world.
We chated over instant message. He gave me his number and told me if I was interested to call. I called. The first conversation was very interesting. He asked questions, a lot of them - some which I thought were a little inappropriate. We decided that we wanted to meet up. He asked me if I wanted a train ticket or a hotel room. I took the room. I drove approximately 130 miles to see him. When I got there he told me how great I looked in person and how he wouldn't mind waking up to someone like me every morning. We went to a bar that night and ordered drinks and talked. He was very affectionate. After drinks, we went for a walk. We sat on a bench and talked more. The next day he took me to a park and we talked more. As we were walking, a friend of his called and he started telling him about me and told him that I was a keeper and how he was going to take me to the diamond district to get a ring. Prior to meeting him, he told me that respect and honor is paramount and that a persons word is everything. He told me that he didn't like liars/fakes. On the bench, he asked me if I had any STDs and I told him that I had herpes. He hugged, kissed me, and pulled me onto his lap. I was in awe by his reaction. He was the first guy that I had ever told that to. I was happy that I allowed myself to be vulnerable - It was a great feeling. He asked how I contracted it, etc... We spent two days together. During this time, he was taking care of his mother who was dying from cancer. A week before we met, I went to Miami for a night to meet up with a friend. He asked if I had sex. I lied and said no. He knew I was lying from the way that I answered the question. Eventually, I told him the truth. Long story short, this has been a common theme in our relationship - him asking if I had sex and me lying or witholding the answer. I don't know why it's so hard for me to just tell him, especially when he accepts me for who I am with open arms. I like him a lot. I just can't deal with being hurt again. I am not justifying my actions. We met again the following month. I stayed at his place this time. He took me to his parents house where he grew up. We walked in and he said to me "this is ours." It's been over a year now. We haven't had sex. He says it's not about sex and that we must be friends before anything. Although, we have not had sex, we do play around. He's inserted his penis into my vagina without a condom - once (he doesnt have any stds), we've had oral sex. But, it has not gone further than that. Everytime, we see each other - it's me driving to see him. He's never come to visit me. I know he works, but people make time for things that they want. We talk everyday, but it seems like he's not into me like he was before which is understandable - I have lied. I know I'm a broken girl. I'm really confused, because he sticks around and whenever I want to talk he is there to listen but sometimes he gives me a hard time. He tries to make me jealous. He has this thing with trying to teach me lessons. He tells me if I sleep in his bed I have to make it up, fold his clothes, and to make him breakfast. I get a kick out of that. I make up his bed and I've folded his clothes once. So much more fine details. What do you guys think about this situation? I am beyond confused. I feel that I will never find a guy that is as honest and accepting but he puts me through so much hell that I question whether or not it's worth it. Let me know what you think about this situation.

Take care

[vashti]

I think you are a naive, foolish young girl. He thinks that, too, and he is using you for whatever he can get out of you. (And BTW, if he puts his penis in your vagina, that IS sex. So is oral - that is why they call is oral SEX.) Also, you should stop having unprotected sex. You really don't know WHAT he has; did you know they don't test males for HPV unless they have warts, and most men don't get them but still can share the virus?

[xxolovespells]

I have nothing to offer him. I've seen his papers, he's clean. No climax = no sex.

[vashti]

You're trolling, aren't you?

(sigh)

[Saya]

This isn't a relationship.... he is most likely using you. If he truly cares and likes you then, he would come down and see you, but like you said, he hasn't done that before...

How do you know that he isn't lying to you about his things?
And I agree with vashti.... he could have something...and it is a bit strange of him to ask you about if you have Stds on the first day that you've met him....

[searock]

He is way too old for you. This

He has this thing with trying to teach me lessons.

confirms it. It's creepy. He sees you as a young little thing to mold into whatever he likes. If he says it's not about the sex, then why does he want to know whether you've had sex before, and whether you have any STDs? And why are you so afraid of telling him the truth? Do you think he'd like you better if you were a virgin? This is even more creepy. By the way yes, oral sex is sex, and so is penetration.

He knows that you don't have much experience with relationships, so he uses this fact to treat you poorly. A more experienced woman wouldn't put up with his crap, because she'd know that there are loads of better guys out there.

Why don't you date someone your age, that you meet in actual real life? At your age your social life should be full of friends and meeting new people, so it shouldn't be that difficult. I don't think you are comfortable in this """relationship""". Just tell him that the age difference is too much and you don't want to go out with him anymore. You'll feel MUCH better afterwards!

[xxolovespells]

Thanks Searock-

I didn't lie about being a virgin. I lied to him about going down to Miami and having sex with an ex-boyfriend. He makes a big deal about it, because I make a big deal about by lying. He does not care if I have sex or not he's more focused on me being honest and how answer questions - I guess you could say he's 'testing' me. I'm afraid of telling the truth, because I like him and I'd never want him to judge me. I do have a past. I think it's hard to be open and allow myself to be vulnerable with someone.
I have a social life. Lot's of 'friends' that want to go out and party and get drunk - I'm over that. I enjoy meeting people - internet or on the streets. I think the internet is a great way to meet people.
In no way am I making excuses for him. I don't think he tries to mold me to be what he wants me to be - I think he's trying to make me into a better person by giving me guidance. Again, from day one he has told me that he doesn't like liars/fakes/everything stated above yet, I have been all of this and he continues to be there for me. I have stopped lying to him, because I've learned that there is no reason to lie.

I'm not quite sure what he would be using me for? Again, I have absolutely nothing to offer him. I am a broke college student. We have oral sex and thats just about it. He could be using me for talk time. Who knows?

[xxolovespells]

I agree, that he should come down and see me. He's pretty open and honest about his life and who he is. I have seen his papers with his results. Prior to meeting him we talked all the time about various things.

[cheekxs]

I feel sorry for you even tho it was your own stupid choices to do certain stuff!

I feel sorry cause you seem to me very very naive and dont know how to protect yourself.

LIKE Who goes alone to meet a stranger from the internet so far away. and him asking you what you want hotel or ticket/??
did you not feel like cheap?dammmmmmmmmmmmmm

Do you discuss things like this with your parents or friends before doing them?To have a second tough or that someone know you are going to
make some stupid decisions? and if you may be missing they can report to the police?
You could have been dead by now! Do you realize that?

While reading your story all that came to my mind was: this is creepy tho.

When is she gonna say he did something worst to her.

This guy is fu-cked up and so are you some where.
HE is way older then you, have no good intentions, and that is clear from the start!
You are a woman and need to realize that , you need to be smarter then this!

Never meet people from the Internet!
Never date at night.
Never take gifts
Never go to their home or city
Let him come to yours so you can have protection of your city, cause you are more familiar there!
And know where to go or run. ANd you can take the lead .

You have very low self esteem! You are not his mom! He have to make the bed and stuff himself! What the hacck!!!!!!!!
He was looking for someone to use and he found it in you!
Go to school make something of your life stop walking around and waste your time with old bastard with issues.
Go into people of your own age. You can see more early when they are good for you or not.
Old bastards are full of old tricks and you may not see it cause of your little life experiences.

I hope you wake up! Cause you are doing some pretty stupid stuff and it can easily end very bad.
Cause you dont stand up for yourself. All i read is he wanted this, he said that.
Never something that you wanted.

Gift and meeting parents are not the ultimate thing to think the guy is good anymore.
you have to look at the whole picture!
And you saw thing in him that i did not saw for not even 1 sec.
He is not honest and no good! Why would he ask you all of that? Do you trust people in your daily life with stuff like that?
So why a stranger?

[cheekxs]

If he keep telling you and told you with a certain voice he doesnt like lairs and shit it sounds very threaten to me.
and it only show how much issue he have with trusting people and be trusted and i think this old bastard have big issues!

and someone like that can snap easily when he just feel like you are not honest.

He need to get special help! instead of putting pressure on you about being honest.
cause the last feeling i head was that he is a honest person.
I think he acts so he can win your trust! and you are blind right now!

[cheekxs]

-"Let him come to yours (CITY) (when its so far someone that you think is okay, and if you can go with a freind)!so you can have protection of your city etc., cause you are more familiar there!"

[xxolovespells]

Prior to meeting him we talked for a couple of weeks, video chatted, sent pictures...I let a good friend of mine know where I was going and my mom as well. Me visiting him is not this issue. I think you're putting too much value into that. But, thanks anyway. Not sure why I would go to a forum to ask for advice from a bunch of strangers that do not know me. All I am getting from this is a bunch of insults, not guidance. I think it's imporant to thoroughly read the message posted instead of scanning through, looking at others comments, and formulating a BS reply. In the orginal post, I never mentioned anything about a gift. Not sure where you're getting that from?

On top of putting too much value into me going to see him, which is my choice and not the issue at hand, you're also putting too much value in the age difference. My mother is ten years older than her husband and they have been married for almost 15 years. Age isn't this issue, because I do believe I can keep up with an older man.

I'm just not sure where things are going between us. It is important, when getting to know someone, to be honest about who you are. If a person does not accept you for you then thats not a situation you want to be in. He does not have a problem with my past or what I have done. Because I have lied to him he puts a lot of emphasis on asking the same questions to see if I have broken out of that.

I don't think that there is a perfect person, we all are 'fu-cked up' to some extent from past experiences - some more than others.

[cheekxs]

I guess you are to smart to ask any advice in here. So why do you even put any topic in here?

You are not our problem or responsibility so eater our job to give you guidance,
ThATS YOUR PARENTS JOB. wE ONLY TRY TO give you some advice that we think may help.
For free also. so we dont have any obligation with you. its up to you to take or leave it.
so what ever with you! have a wonderful 15 years of being abused and used and cleaning and cooking!
May our advice be of use for you when you grow up!

Have fun! byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

[cheekxs]

Dont ask if you dont want to hear it!

[xxolovespells]

I don't have a problem with listening or taking the free advice, but when I am being insulted it takes away from that. It's just common sense. Respect people. Respond how you would want someone to respond to you. There are ways to get your point across without name-calling.