It's True; Dating Ruins Friendships

[vertical_sky]

I see a lot of guys complain that they get friend-zoned when a girl says she doesn't want to date them because it will ruin their friendship.

But it's true. It DOES ruin the friendship.

I dated a guy for about 7 months officially, 9-10 months unofficially. He is infamous among his friends for being a player. His usual pattern is to become friends with a girl, sleep with her anywhere from a few times to a few months (while sometimes sleeping with others), abruptly stop and go back to being friends, and then try to seduce her again at some point.

I was his first girlfriend. He dumped me 3 months ago, but said he really wanted us to be friends. I told him I needed time to get over him, so I went NC for a while. I opened up the line of communication a few weeks ago... and to my surprise, he does not seem interested in being friends at all. He takes days to respond to my messages. He seems to avoid coming to parties where he knows I'll be (or he's just SO busy he can't make the ones I happen to be at.) He always has other plans when I suggest hanging out.

I was looking forward to us being friends, as I really enjoy him as a person. I am the only girl he's slept with, that he's then declined to be friends with. I can only figure the reason for this is, he doesn't want sex from me, and thus doesn't want to bother with a friendship. Or maybe he thinks I'm going to bring drama because I'm his ex.

I am upset all over again. First I got rejected romantically... and now he's even rejecting me platonic ally. It makes me feel as if I'm worthless to him, because he doesn't see me as a sexual option, and thus not worth the time.

It just KILLS me to think that if I had just been the standard Friends-with-Benefits, or One Night Stand, we'd still be friends. But because I'm "the ex" he has no interest in being friends... because he no longer wants me, because we have history, because I'm just baggage.

It really hurts. It makes me feel like I never want to date again, because if things don't work out, it seems like I can never be friends with them. It just isn't worth it!! I don't even get to be his friend, because I was his gf. I should have just kept myself as a pump-and-dump, and at least then I'd still have a friend.

[Cerulean.]

You need to change your title to "It's true; Dating CAN Ruin Friendships" because I am friends with all my exes. Sorry about your situation, but he doesn't sound like a kind of person you'd want to be friends with, anyway. Take this as a blessing and learn from this. Not everyone is going to like you, and that's okay. The people who will stay in your life are worth your time.

[vertical_sky]

You need to change your title to "It's true; Dating CAN Ruin Friendships" because I am friends with all my exes. Sorry about your situation, but he doesn't sound like a kind of person you'd want to be friends with, anyway. Take this as a blessing and learn from this. Not everyone is going to like you, and that's okay. The people who will stay in your life are worth your time.

It seems more like it's me who isn't worth his time. If he's stayed friends with all of these girls, and I'm the one he's rejected, that says more about me doesn't it?

[MaidenMinx]

vertical sky, this pattern of thinking you have is self destructive. You need to stop.

I used to want to maintain friendships with all my exes, then I realised something. They are exes for a reason.

You also don't tell us why the relationship ended. I am going to assume you are quite young for a 3 month relationship to affect you so deeply. What you need to accept is that people come in and out of your life for whatever reasons. The ones that stay briefly are usually the ones that teach you the biggest lessons. Learn from this. Some people just drift away. It has nothing to do with you as a person. It's just life. Life is fluid, not static. Change happens. Go with it.

[vertical_sky]

vertical sky, this pattern of thinking you have is self destructive. You need to stop.

I used to want to maintain friendships with all my exes, then I realised something. They are exes for a reason.

You also don't tell us why the relationship ended. I am going to assume you are quite young for a 3 month relationship to affect you so deeply. What you need to accept is that people come in and out of your life for whatever reasons. The ones that stay briefly are usually the ones that teach you the biggest lessons. Learn from this. Some people just drift away. It has nothing to do with you as a person. It's just life. Life is fluid, not static. Change happens. Go with it.

I think you misunderstood.... We dated for about 9 months, we've been apart for 3. And I don't know why it ended... he dumped me suddenly without an explanation. I'm assuming it's so he could go get laid with hotter women.

And yeah, change happens. But what exactly do I learn from this? To never bother dating, because it will destroy friendships? To never get close to anyone, because if it ends they'll just reject me and leave? That it IS about me as a person... that there IS something wrong with me, that he'll be friends with everyone else but toss me away?

If everything changes, then bother with anything? It'll just change and leave. Seems the only lesson is to be attached to nothing, including life.

[MaidenMinx]

Wow! Quite the dose of negativity there dear.

Lesson 1) Avoid taking things so personally. Why is he friends with all his other flings, but not you, his ex? Dunno, but I doubt it has little to do with you and more to do with him.
Lesson 2) Avoid expecting that staying friends with exes is likely. More often than not it isn't.

Advice: stop tying your self esteem to other people. THE PROBLEM LIES WITH HIM. It's only your problem if you let it be.