Girlfriend lied to me about her sexual past

[kc18210]

I don't know who to talk to about it, so I thought I would post it online in a forum anonymously. I am 30. I am a good person, outgoing and fun, but I've always been shy with women. I met a nice girl on match.com about 5 months ago. We are in love with each other, or at least I know I am in love with her. She has always been hesitant to talk about her past with me, but she felt like she needed to get it off her chest last night and told me that she has a horrid sexual past, contrary to what she has told me up to this point. She has slept with many people, done dirty sexual things, with random people she met through dirty sex websites throughout her life. She has not done this for a couple years and I do believe that she has not cheated on me. She says she is a different person and that is in her past. She has lied to me now and I don't know if I can trust her. I don't know what to do. There is no one I feel comfortable sharing this information with, but I need help. I don't really have a sexual history before this relationship and I need someone to advise me about this, if it is normal for people to do these things. It just seems so dirty to me. I don't know if I want to be with her anymore, and just yesterday we were discussing marriage and children with each other down the road. We are best friends and have had a good relationship so far, but I am an innocent person and imagining her sleeping with a bunch of not-high class people disgusts me.

[searock]

As long as she doesn't have STDs and she really has changed, I don't see the problem. What I would be worried about is the fact that she lied to you for 5 months, even though it's somewhat understandable since maybe she sensed you would have reacted this way. In my personal opinion though, I wouldn't want to be with someone who lies.

[Boisdevie]

It's hard to comment without more information. For example, how many is 'many people'? What sort of things would you class as 'dirty'. I get the impression that you are a bit naive sexually and have had very little if no experience. Could this be colouring your point of view?
Oh and finally, if she had slept with people who were high class would that have been OK then?

[smackie9]

Yes it is normal for people who are falling in love to feel a type of jealousy about their love being with others in the past, but it's easily brushed off....with people that don't have much experience the feeling is amplified. To add your view about sex as Boisdevie pointed out, is making this tougher on you.

She didn't lie, she needed to get to know you first because it's very personal what she went through. It would be another thing if you found out be other means. So she was trolling for meaningless sex with strangers, it's quiet possibly she had low self esteem issues and this was a way to feel accepted. Obviously she realized she couldn't live like this anymore and did something about it. That goes to show you she a stronger person for it and wants to move on from that. Just because she had this type of experience, does it make her a person that cheats on her partner tho.

It's obvious that this isn't really your typical sexual past so I can see where you are coming from. Personally I don't think she is a match for you and I think you would be more comfortable with someone that has similar sexual experience. End this relationship before she gets too deep into this. It's only fair for the both of you.

[searock]

So she didn't lie, she just avoided telling you. It's not like you explicitly asked her if she had ever done anything like that and she said "no". I see no problem at all then. It just comes down to how willing you are to accept that she has had different experiences from the ones you had.

[kc18210]

Thank you all for the advise. you are all correct.

Searock - you are right in saying she lied, but she did it to protect my feelings. No she has no stds.

Boisdevie - To answer your questions, she told me she had been with 12 people a few months ago. I thought that was probably normal for someone our age. Last night she said it was more like 50. That is a lot, and disturbing, but not why I am upset. I am more upset about the lying. Dirty, like having 3-somes, 4-somes with guys only, using internet sites that are made specifically for people in the same area to get together sexually, and nothing more. Yes, I am naive sexually, that is why I am posting this, and it does color my point of view. I have had 3 partners, all girlfriends, and she is the 3rd. Yes, who you sleep with does make a difference. I consider people who use hook-up sites for the sole intention of getting laid sleazy, low-class people. They are more likely to be on hard-core drugs (she mentioned meth hook ups too), STDs, and just sleazy in general.

Smackie9 - Yes, she has low self-esteem issues. You are correct in everything you say. "End this relationship before she gets too deep into this. It's only fair for the both of you." I'm afraid to do that. I'm afraid to lose the only person I've ever loved. I do believe she would stay committed to me, but I will never be able to eradicate her stories from my mind.

[Boisdevie]

I think that you are not going to be able to deal with her past, whether she lied about it or not. What she did is in the past but I suspect that you will always have a low opinion of her because of this will make your relationship impossible. So to be fair both to her and yourself you should end the relationship.

[iamaninnocentma]

50 people really isnt that many if she has been single since say 18. If shes 30, thats only like 5 a year, which is approx one every 2 months. In my youth my record was 17 birds in the space of 2 months, which is like 1 a week. Then again, they were mostly lower class, and i did get crabs and im also a dirty bastard.

The good thing about this girl is she will probably take it in the wrong un. Stop crying about the past and enjoy what you have been lucky to find.

[Boisdevie]

The good thing about this girl is she will probably take it in the wrong un.

Such wise words

[kc18210]

Remember, I am naive sexually, and by my own choice. If i wanted dirty butt sex I would have done it a long time ago. If I wanted to sleep around I would have. I want love, marriage, family, a healthy relationship. I know that's difficult for someone who bangs a different girl every week to imagine, but there are some of us guys out there who don't treat women like dirty whores, and don't want to be with a dirty whore. If she isn't a dirty whore anymore, can I be with her because she once was a dirty whore? That is my quandary.

[iamaninnocentma]

Jesus wept. How do you know you dont like "dirty butt sex" if youve never tried it. I used to think i hated marmite, but one day i had no marmalade left for my toast, so i tried it. End result, i no longer buy marmalade, and have marmite every day. It looks and smells disgusting, but its way better than marmalade.

[smackie9]

I want love, marriage, family, a healthy relationship.

And so does she. If she could go back and change her past she would. I bet this is tearing her up inside worse than you.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

If you can't give her the freaky sex she desires, then she will get bored..and go elsewhere. Find yourself a boring, straight laced chick to match your style. Your insecurity is going to ruin this.