I'm gay but attracted to my female friend

[tyneteen]

I'm 21 and have recently graduated and as part of the course I'm studying I have to do a year in industry and then return to uni for a year. I was studying at Newcastle uni where I have always lived and have moved out for the first time in my life to London. I'm living in South London with 3 people who are lovely but I don't know them and still getting to know them. Basically out of a class of 30, 6 of us were posted to this London organisation, 5 girls and myself. 3 of those girls just happen to be living around the corner from me. And it is one of these girls that I find myself attracted to. I don't know whether it is because I feel quite alone and far away from home that this is the case. I have known her for the 3 years during the course and always got on with her, she has been so kind to me and we have a great laugh. But recently I find myself more and more attracted to her. Like last week she was telling me all about the guys she likes and and the problems she is having trying to get a nice date and a nice man and I could feel myself getting more and more mad/jealous about it. She basically has 2 guys on the go at the moment, both in early stages, but she is not a slag.

She knows I'm gay and probably trusts me with her problems more than the girls she's living with so tells me all about it and I don't tell anybody what we say. The other problem is I'm going to be working alongside her within the organisation for the next year, in fact she is within my line of sight on a daily basis. We go in to work together (with the 2 other girls from the house) and myself and the girl work in separate teams at the organisation but we are doing the same job, just for different areas of London, so we have been talking about it a lot this week between ourselves (the other 4 girls from our uni are in different parts of the organisation). We have lunch together, come home together, and a few weekends back me, her and another girl went to Camden Town for a trip out. It has just been our first week working at the organisation, so had drinks on the Wednesday and Friday after work as a welcome by the team. We got quite drunk on both occasions, the Wednesday not so bad because the other 2 girls from the house were there also.

On the Friday it ended up being me and her and we got the tube back home. She was sitting next to me resting her head on my shoulder and I felt so comfortable, the first time in a long time. Neither of us wanted to go home so we went to the bar next to the tube station where we both live. Then we decided to go home and she invited me in, along with another of the girls who lives there who had returned home from somewhere else. And we ended up drinking more and talking more. She then changed for bed so wasn't wearing very much and the other girl went to bed, so it was just me and her on the couch talking about work and the like. We were virtually nose-to-nose and I really wanted to just kiss her but I knew it wouldn't be appropriate and make things extremely difficult over the next year. I gave her a hug and left at about 1am. And I had been with her virtually all day since 8am and I still didn't want to leave her.

The following day was the Saturday we went out again. She didn't talk much though, I think she was tired. We went with one of the other girls to Camden Town and she was looking for a smart work bag so I said I would go with her, the other girl had to go to another engagement prior to this, so we spent a lot of time together alone again today. So we were on the tube home I was sitting in the middle of the girls. She was on her right to me and I could see she was trying not to lie on me as she was stretched out forwards so she could rest her head on the window. So that's when I got thinking about things, and it was a quiet trip home so I had lots to think about.

We are now in our third week and today we went on a site visit to Stratford Westfield, and then shopping afterwards. We went to the site together because we live close and we met up with some others, had the site visit, lunch etc. Eventually it ended up being me and her for a long time shopping after we had completed the site visit. She was asking me what I thought of what she was buying, does this go with this etc (stereotypical I know but it's true for me!) and just having a chat and then there was the trip home. She was tired I could see but I didn't want the journey to end. Sometimes she gets a bit moody and quiet but I don't care. Coming home on the tube was quite busy for one of the trains so we got quite close and I could feel my heart pounding against my chest. I don't know if it was because I was hot, or hot under the collar!

I have never felt about a girl like her before, and I don't know why. I don't know if it's because I'm miles from home and she is a friendly face, or because I have been on my own for a while relationship-wise and a bit lonely, or if it is a genuine thing. She is physically attractive and so smart, and we're obviously similar people, doing the same course (which is quite a unique course which is not popular at all) and at the same organisation in the same role. I think she definitely sees me as her (gay) friend who she can talk to and trust when the girls are being bitchy and gossipy. She has other friends who are boys from the course who she gets on with more than me, but they aren't here and I think she feels I'm the one to talk to in confidence, at least for the next year. This is another reason that I'm nervous to say anything in that she has told me things in confidence which she probably wouldn't have said if she knew I was straight. And then if I were to use these to my advantage I could see her getting extremely angry (for a good reason too I think). I haven't told anyone about my feelings, and I don't think I want to. I'm going to guage the opinion on here I think.

Anyway that's everything. If you have read it all, thank you very much, it was a long one I know! If you can offer a constructive response/reasoning, even better.

[VincenzoG91]

Maybe you're bi. And maybe she enjoys being around you so much because she is attracted to you, too. Give it some time and see what happens. I don't think that you're doing anything wrong. If you were straight and just trying to weasel your way into her life by posing as a friend, that would be sneaky and despicable. But from what you described, you are just being yourself and discovering something new about yourself in the process. In time, you might get to know her better and realize that she isn't your type after all. Or you might become even more attracted to her. If so, at some point you should let her know how you're feeling, and take the risk that you might lose a friend but maybe find love.