Is my best friend attracted to me?

[Evangeline]

Hi all,

I've a problem of sorts and I would greatly appreciate some advice. It's going to be a long story though, so my apologies in advance.

I have this awesome best friend, who just so happens to be a guy. We've known eachother for ages, ever since high school, and we are both studying at (different) universities now. We don't live close but we visit eachother a lot, almost every week.

When we first met, we were both in a relationship, so we have never been anything else than friends and have, for as far as I know, never viewed eachother in any other way but 'just friends'. We have grown very close over the years, but always in a 'just friends' sense.

I haven't been in a relationship for more than one and a half year and he has been single for about a year now. I date occasionally and have had a fling with some guy a few months ago, but nothing seriously. He is currently dating some girl, but says it's nothing serious.

We often do stuff together, like going to the cinema, going on little trips etc, go mountainbiking (a shared hobby). No big deal, just a best friend thing I guess, eventhough everyone else we know thinks we're in a relationship because we are so close.

But lately, it seems things have changed. We have always been hugging etcetera, the 'hold tight and rock back and forth' friend hug and when we walk across town, he usually offers me his arm, because he's a real gentleman (one of the few left I guess).

But somehow, it seems we have become much closer on a physical level as well. When we watch a movie and sit on the couch together, we often lean against one another or pet one another.

We recently spend a weekend together and he stayed over at my place. We watched stupid old monstermovies and drank tequila. At one point, we lost interest in the movie and started to have this profound, philosophical talk about relationships, sex and attraction instead. Might have been the tequila. We even talked - but only in theory, meant as a joke - what would happen if we were involved. The stranger thing, however, is that we fell asleep on the couch, in eachother's earms. Again, could have been the tequila.

When I woke up the following morning, he'd apparently been up for a while, because he had made me breakfast and he had changed his clothes. When I woke up, he was sitting next to me, stroking my hair, which was slightly awkward and he looked almost guilty when I woke up, immediately withdrawing his hand and talking about breakfast instead of commenting on the situation. I didn't say anything either. The rest of the day was normal and not awkward.

I don't know what to think of this. He always maintained that he finds me extremely pretty, but that I am not his type. All his friends have told me in the past that I am definitely not his type. Also, we have always said that we would be just friends, that we are fine the way we are. Yet these signals confuse me. Is this a normal way to behave towards someone whom you just see as a friend?

I do not feel comfortable confronting him about it, because it could mess our friendship up. Also, I'm not sure how I would feel about it if he was interested. He is totally not my type, but he is the sweetest guy I know and sometimes, I find myself thinking that he would be a great, reliable guy to be in a relationship with.

Halp?

[ellie]

He is probably interested, you already picked up on these things, and I don't think you would've posted this question unless there was something. If you're interested, make a move, but make sure you're sure so to speak. You know what they say... Once you cross the line to romance... there's no turning back.

And if you're not interested and don't want to talk about it with him, just give small hints, refer to him verbally as a "friend", don't give him long hugs etc. Otherwise he might think you're interested, which is good if you are. But if you're not, make sure you don't lead him on.

He can be attracted to you even if you're not "his type". That happens all the time. You think you have a "type", then you find yourself falling for someone who is completely the opposite.

[Evangeline]

Thank you for your reply.

I just wonder if the first step, so to say, should be mine. Like I already explained, he seems to be dating someone at the moment and although he seems to regard it as a fling, I can't shake the feeling that it would be very bad timing to confront him on the matter right now.

Also, I'm still not sure how I feel about this all. Although I have to admit I occasionally feel jealous/annoyed if we hang out and he textmessages his date or spends hours on the phone with her..

[ellie]

What I think is, he probably has some feelings for you, but he's not going to make any move whatsoever, until he's sure you feel the same way.

You are very good friends and he knows he might lose your friendship if he makes a move, it turns out you're not interested and he f*cks it up... =)

He rather stay friends and have a secret crush on you than make a move and risk your friendship.

I think he's still a bit confused as to whether he really has a romantic interest in you, maybe it's hard for him, too, to acknowledge the fact that he has fallen for you - his closest female friend.


I would let it be and wait it out a bit. Be sure you want to get into this, before you confront him or make a move - because romance almost always messes up friendship...
It's impossible to go back to how things were before, once you cross the line!

Good luck

[Reath]

I'll you the 100% effective way to get your feeling across despite the results.
Get him to drink tequila with you again, then you confess that you loved him before he gets too drunk.
You can always blame tequila if things goes wrong.

[Cbrider]

First off, I have no idea how you got into a conversation about relationships drinking tequila. When I drink Tequila, I get into long, drawn out sessions with the hard wood floor. Props to you.

He's got a thing for you, I think that's rather apparent. Its hard to rule anything out honestly, the more time you spend close to someone, the more your view of them changes.

Its entirely possible that initially he wasn't attracted to you, but over time has found your personality appealing.

He is totally not my type, but he is the sweetest guy I know and sometimes, I find myself thinking that he would be a great, reliable guy to be in a relationship with.

Read what you wrote, you are doing the exact same thing I suspect he is doing.

Look, coming from experience, confessing how you feel may cause initial awkwardness, but down the road its a good thing in ways. One of my best friends is a girl, who I use to like a lot. Over time I got past her and with time she came back around and liked me. It was more of a consequence of timing, but I had to explain that I didn't like her beyond a friend anymore. Yeah it was awkward and yes she was upset, but things are better now.

The best piece of advice anyone has ever given me relating to love, is to "marry your best friend."

Sounds silly, but when you think about it, is it really all that far from the truth?

You should sit down and think hard about how you feel towards this guy. You haven't listed a single negative about him and put him on a podium by saying he's one of the last "true gentlemen" around.

Are you really sure he's not relationship material?

[Evangeline]

Thank you all for your advice.

@ CBrider: I'm not sure if I am/could be attracted to him or if I consider him 'relationship' material. I have simply never thought of him that way, since, as a friend, he was always sort of off-limits. Now, because of these recent developments, I find myself thinking about wether or not I find him attractive, but it is still somewhat awkward, because it seems weird to think about your friends in such a way.

[IndiReloaded]

Evangeline, you sound like someone who is wanting convincing.

Why don't you just go out alone together. Something that looks like a date. See how you both feel. Discuss. If you like, do it again. See how you feel, etc. Continue until married, or things don't work out. Either way, with feelings come up, you aren't really 'just friends' anymore so its more honest this way.

Its no different from regular dating, except you don't need to worry he's a creep who will jump you at your front door. What could be better, really?

[Reath]

Thank you all for your advice.

You did that tequila trick didn't you?

[Evangeline]

You did that tequila trick didn't you?

Haven't had the opportunity yet, but I will keep it in mind.

[Bumble_bee]

I think it is great that you are evaluating this before making any moves...means you consider both of you in this....but you know you guys sound like a couple already, is it the physical attraction you dnt have?

[Evangeline]

Yes, I do consider both of us because I don't want to ruin our friendschip and I don't want to hurt him.

And yes, I suppose the phyisical attraction is the problem. I feel comfortable around him but I really can't imagine being intimate with him. It's just something you don't consider about your friends, or at least, I don't.
It's not that he is unattractive in that sense, it's just that I have trouble wrapping my mind around viewing him in that manner.

[Cbrider]

I feel comfortable around him but I really can't imagine being intimate with him.

You bring up an interesting point because I have always believed that there is some deep down platonic attraction if you have friends of the opposite sex. It may be deep and repressed, but its there. Just something I read long ago that I think holds true for most.

Just my opinion though.

[Evangeline]

Do you mean that deep down there is genuine attraction (so the possibility of having an intimate relationship) or that there is platonic attraction (so no hope to ever be more than just friends)?

Because platonic means not physical but merely spiritual/ideal, right?

[davidtorres]

IF really like him then steal him from the girl his dating right now. All the signs are out there. Im pretty sure he scared to lose you thats why hes not saying anything but you can see it through his actions. IMO i dont even spend my time with a girl if i dont like her and we are just friends.