Need help on decision...please help me...

[unknown_soldier]

Hello everyone on the forums, I know that I've just arrived here but I really need the help. I really do, I don't know where else to turn to. If you take the time to read this, I'm already grateful. I realize it is a pretty long and detailed story, but I have to share this with someone or I think I'll blow up.

After 4-perfect-years, my girlfriend has chosen to dump me, saying that we were not the same, the attraction was not the same, and she could not keep the relationship up anymore, and we should stay friends. Now here is some background:

I met her at the university, but through the MSN Messenger, we had some months talking for loooong nights, then we decided to meet up, and after some time, she was into me, asked me out again, and it all started. 4 years ago.

We are students at the university, I'm finishing mastery degree on computer science, and she finished taking medical and is about to start the internship at a hospital. Yup, we were together on the entire course. We were always very very close, she always said that she was never close to anyone than she is to me, we actually agreed to stay together and marry after graduation and then work out our lives and get a family up and running, she would even tell me everytime that she was my betrothed and forever mine. The first 3 years were absolutetly perfect.

Last year (around October 2011), she told me that she needed time to think about us, I was really worried at that time, but I gave her the chance. We kept in contact for a week, but without seeing each other, then after some days, she finally said that she tought, that it was me that she wanted. She was thinking, but she was not completely sure, I had to press her a little, but we got back together after that.

However, that last year was complicated, I had to start working and studying at the same time, to get money to keep going on getting the degree I want, and that took a lot of the time we used to be together, and also, she was having a lot of money difficulties (sometimes she didn't even have enough to eat). I was always there to help and she managed to get to the finish of her medical degree. Note that, in this period, she kept being playful to me, dreaming about a life together.

On the big stress she was, in effort to finish her degree, I started noticing the less atraction, the less sex, and her always constant sadness about everything. I decided to be patient and always said to myself, "it's ok, she is just under stress about the final exams, when she finishes and we go on holidays it will all be fine, I'm saving up for the best holidays of all time where we will get all that worked out".

It wasn't.

16th July, a couple of days after her finishing up the university's exams. I go to her place, she is more distant than before. The next morning (after some sex, and I still can't believe this happened because she actually orgasm two times), she said to me that these words: "We are not the same as before, I don't feel the same love for you, perhaps we should just be friends". That hit me like a ton of bricks, and I was pretty pissed off. I told her about all the perfect 4 years we had together, how could she throw all the promises away? She cried a lot, then she told me that I was the best man in the world but friends is just what she wanted now. I just grabbed my stuff and left. The next day, she came to my place to pick up the stuff she had there. Before she left, I talked to her again, told her to reconsider, but she had no care in her eyes about it, and was even becoming mad.

Funny thing, she was calling me "my love" at the end of some sentences, it just slipped out of her because she was so used to saying that to me. I decided not to push it, so I just gave her a letter I wrote, recalling all the good times we had, how disappointed I was at her lack of commitment, and saying Goodbye, and good luck for the future. I also told her, that this was a huge mistake, and we should cut off contact and talk again in September. She replied: "Ok, we can do that, but don't get your hopes up."

The next day, she replied by email (a pretty big one) to the letter I gave her the day before, agreeing to all the amazing times we had together and adding some more, and then saying that she never meant to hurt me, but she ended up doing it anyway. In the end, she said: "Until another time my <cute name we used to call each other here>, I don't mean to mock you, but you'll always be my <the same cute name again>".

After that message, I read the "Ex2 System" and "The Magic of Make up" books. I decided to follow the advice.

Fast forwarding 15 days (today)...

Worst 15 days of my life, never felt so alone and empty thinking about all the failed promises of future. Nevertheless, I've put away all the stuff that reminds me of her, blocked her on MSN, deleted her phone numbers and blocked her facebook, then I studied the books and my case, and decided to take action. I've been spending a lot of time with my old hometown friends, and I forced myself to date. I've dated a girl I've known since high school, but who lost contact after those 4 years, we had some good dates, and on the last one she even said that she never had so much fun in her life. I've tried to date other girls, but my hometown is pretty small, it's not easy to get to know someone new because it's always the same people. Unfortunantly, I can't return to my university because it's closed for the summer and there's no one there, I have to finish my work here.

Also, besides all that, I've started working out at the gym, and I'm serious about it, to build up the body and make me look better. This was part of the plan, which is to better myself, before meeting up with her again, which I planned to do on 16th August (after one month of no contact had passed).

Unfortunantly, I've made a mistake and broke the rules. Today I contacted a close friend of hers, and I planned to get the friend to ask her what she's been up to these 15 days, so I could check if she was missing me. Well, her friend told me that she appeared ok to her, she was just a little sad because I cut off all contact so radically. Then I asked, "Does she know we are talking right now?", and she said yes, so I said goodbye and ended the conversation right away, because she wasn't supposed to know. Stupid me, if she was her friend, it was obvious that would happen...

1 hour later, my gf (or should I say ex-gf..) sent me a message on facebook: "hey, can you unblock me on MSN so we can talk for a little while?".

I did.

Then, she immediately asked me: "what was that all about, the things you've asked to my friend? If it's me you wish to talk about, you should talk to me, not to her". I said that I had an idea in mind to talk about with her friend, but since she knew that we were talking, there was no point in continuing. She replied "ok", and then we made small talk, like the grades she got, and what grades I got, and about the internship, and I joked a lot about it, keeping it cool, never acted needy or desperate or talked about anything of the past.

The only bad thing was when I said that I finally got convinced by a friend of mine to get an inscription on the gym, and she said: "Good there is someone that convinced you. Seems that I couldn't convince you to enjoy the life", at which I replied: "I was always convinced, just didn't have the time before, because of the part time work this year.", she was about to argue about it, but I've cutted it off with a joke.

Then, I decided to make up an excuse to end the conversation. She said that she was happy that I was ok with life, and that I should get a pet, or travel, to make me feel even better. After that, she asked me if I could keep her unblocked so we could talk some other time I wanted to, she even said she wouldn't bother me if I didn't want to talk, just needed the unblock. I told her: "Maybe... I'll think about it.". She said: "It's your call. Even if you decide to block me, you'll always know where to find me.". I said: "See you some day", she said the same, then I ended the conversation. I haven't blocked her yet, but she didn't talk again.

So, now I am at crossroads. My brain tells me to reset the No Contact, this time for a month and a half and to keep on working out and dating, then she will miss me, and then I can present my "new me" to her when the No Contact is over, and then try to flirt and re-conquer her. My heart tells me that, at the beginning of the relationship, I conquered her heart through chatting via MSN (see above), and since she has broken the No Contact (besides the stupid thing I did by contacting her friend), I could try and do it again. So, the final question is: follow the brain, or the heart? Or is there another way I can do?
She is very stubborn and I think those 15 days haven't moved her a tiny bit.

I've learned my lesson, I was lacking leadership, confidence and security. I've regained these traits on those horrible 15 days, but I don't really know how to proceed now. Please don't tell me to "don't try and save this, there will be another woman for you out there", because I know that this is the one. I have to rebuild the lost attraction. I won't give up anything so perfect. I need to conquer her again. If we could just forget the past and start over... I know I wouldn't let escape me again.

There never was cheating of any sort, we both lost our virginities together. And I'm almost 25 years old, she is almost 24.

Sorry for the long wall of text, but I had to make sure that everyone had a clear view of the situation. My sincere thanks in advance if you reply to me. I could really use the help.

[smackie9]

Sorry but you have a miss conception on how a female brain works. So many guys out there think by getting more fit will work...it does not. **The orgasms might have been fake, you wouldn't know the difference because she has been the only one so you have nothing to compare to. Even if they were real, that doesn't justify staying in a relationship to a girl. It's more complex that that. It's the "what if"...wondering about what else is out there. She is itching to experience other guys and there is no stopping that. Sometimes relationships just expire. As you get older, especially finishing up school, your perspective about life changes, your goals change, how you look at things, your tastes, needs, desires, and what appeals to you changes and the new freedoms now that school is out of the way. She has an emotional need for something new,exciting and different......you can't give her that. The reason why she still lingers is because she likes the familiarity of what the relationship gave her....she is using the "friendship thing" as a way to help her ween herself off you and also feeling a little guilty about ending the relationship.

Only time will tell if she comes back or not. In the meantime ignore her and carry on with your life and date other women. Flexing your new muscles, driving that new car and bragging about all the fun you have been having does diddly squat.

[heartonmysleeve]

It sounds like you need a break from her. I truly believe that to love any other person you need to love yourself and be okay with being alone with yourself first. I would work on that first. I agree that working out rarely works with ladies. They don't care about stuff like that - especially if were talking about the difference a week or two makes. With that said - I would still continue working out! It is great when your going through something hard to be sure your releasing endorphin and remaining happy. It will also give you something to do, that is for YOU.

[unknown_soldier]

I haven't explained myself well here, sorry. I know that getting more fit (and I didn't brag about it) isn't the thing that is going to get her back. Improving myself does, and that includes dating the other girls, hanging out more with friends, etc. Loving myself first, like you said. I also forgot to say that she also said she NEVER faked anything, even when she was saying that she wanted to be with me forever, at that time.
However, I understand your point of her needing something new, but I find it very hard to believe that she will find it anytime soon because she lives in an environment even smaller than mine, and she has to go living with her parents at the same time as the internship.
You're right, perhaps she needs to try other guys out, and see that those aren't the ones. The thing that puzzles me is why can she be ok with everything? She just ended a relationship that she said that was the best thing that ever happened in her life. Shouldn't she be as devastated as I am?

From what I've seen by talking to her, she seems completely healed, and that can't be true... Hell, I even met her parents and they liked me a lot really, and so did mine. We were really commited.

I just remmembered that once she asked me: "If we ever breakup, and don't worry because it's not going to happen, will you stay my friend? It would be a shame to lose someone like you completely."

I'm leaning towards the decision to say to her that the breakup was for the best, and to keep talking to her, trying to get "under the radar" and try to conquer her again.

[unknown_soldier]

You know what? I don't know why, but this hurt is turning to an uncontrolable urge. It is crossing my mind to call her and to don't pretend to be all well and good moving on.

I want to tell in her face: "NO, I'm not ok, and those have been the most miserable 15 days of my life, all because you decided on your childish brain that you wanted to break up something we built together over these years. We agreed to never let this end, to fight and never let go, and now it is you who show weakness. I supported you on these final difficult times, I was always by your side when you needed me most. I gave you all my love and protection, and you were my inspiration, my strength on each passing day to better myself and always seek what I wanted for my future. I wanted us to be proud at ourselves, at what we had become as we broke barriers with our love knowing that someday we could do it, we could be together, and have a house, a family, everything that we deserved because we conquered it together.

Everything I did, I always did it for us. Even though when you always wanted me to do more. I saved up money for us, just so we could have the holidays we deserved, I worked hard, and helped you, and this is what I get? I get a childish woman who does not have certainty on her feelings when she says them. Even when knowing they are right.
Instead of fighting for us, you choose to be alone, leaving me alone on an failed environment, where I know that there is nothing for me until I get a job far away from here. A place where the people are not like me, and the "friends" only care about the whores at the bar.
How can you be so blind and ignore all we've been through? If this was meant to happen, should never have happened in the first place. I'm tired of your lack of conviction. You have no soul."

Somebody stop me... I'm actually with the phone in my hands to tell her that.

[cheekxs]

I read only the first 2 sensesof your story.

So if she told you its over cause of no attraction and all she said, you need to get lost.
and stop trying to stalk her.

So the rest of your story doesnt matter.
you cant force someone to like or love you
Its over move on!

[unknown_soldier]

I read only the first 2 sensesof your story.

So if she told you its over cause of no attraction and all she said, you need to get lost.
and stop trying to stalk her.

So the rest of your story doesnt matter.
you cant force someone to like or love you
Its over move on!

I'm not stalking her. Not even close to it.

[smackie9]

Since this is your first everything I will give you a tip. A the beginning of a most relationships you are infatuated with each other, you start talking about marriage, naming your kids blag blah blah....but that is all it is talk, and it should never be taken as a promise...ever. A lot of people do take it as true words, but it just makes it more confusing after the break up. And people lie, and fake this....so obviously you had that conversation with her about faking orgasms lol.


She isn't devastated because she could be having an emotional affair with someone, possibly a long distance internet relationship. But I have been in her shoes, sometime you just want out, and all the changing in the world isn't going to matter. You loose the feelings, it happens.

[unknown_soldier]

Since this is your first everything I will give you a tip. A the beginning of a most relationships you are infatuated with each other, you start talking about marriage, naming your kids blag blah blah....but that is all it is talk, and it should never be taken as a promise...ever. A lot of people do take it as true words, but it just makes it more confusing after the break up. And people lie, and fake this....so obviously you had that conversation with her about faking orgasms lol.
She isn't devastated because she could be having an emotional affair with someone, possibly a long distance internet relationship. But I have been in her shoes, sometime you just want out, and all the changing in the world isn't going to matter. You loose the feelings, it happens.

Unfortunantly, it is not the case here. We talked about these plans ONLY after the 3 years of relationship, so they were not lies. We really had plans for city and jobs on the 3rd year of relationship.

However, I believe you, the feelings can be lost. But it's just plain stupid, because when something is broke, you don't throw it away and get a new one. You try to fix it. Because it is worth it.

[smackie9]

The thing is that it's not a situation where things are broken. There was nothing wrong with the relationship, just loss of feelings which happens naturally.


But I suspect she is involved with someone else. A tell tail sign is an abrupt break up, and 180 turn in behavior.