Making the decision to end it.

[joebloggs69]

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[vashti]

Wow, you've gotten yourself into quite a pickle. Didn't your parents advise to avoid buying property with a girl you aren't married to?

I don't know how you will work this out. I can't see how living together is going to work out when you break off with your girlfriend. Can either of you afford to live there on your own, and let the other one move home with their parents?

[Yggdrasil]

Ok.. call me an ass.. I don't care:

Now to bring you up to date! About two months ago I spoke to her about this. As you can imagine there were a lot of tears and confusion on both sides. She told me that she still loves me, and I'm the only person she wants to be with, and that she wants to try and work things out. From a selfish point of view that made things so much harder! Because our relationship has been so good, I thought I owed it to her, and us, to have another try.

So, let me get this straight, you guys talked (good) and she clearly showed she wants to work on the relation and you both agreed to do so.

I suppose really that was a mistake. Within that time I have fallen completely in love with another woman. And I feel HORRIBLE. There has been nothing sexual going on, but I know that doesn't matter, I feel like I'm still cheating emotionally. I can't go into the whole story of this 'other woman', but I'll just say that I've known her a while now and we never realised each other's feelings. I am deeply in love with her, like I never have been with anyone, and she tells me the same. Believe it or not, we are both loyal and principled people, and have decided to not see each other for a few weeks so that I can concentrate my relationship.

And then 'out of the blue' you 'fall in love' with another woman, instead of working on your current relation. So you had this honest talk with your g/f who commited to work on the relation and you neglected to tell her you don't love her anymore and you are in love with someone else. How convenient.

I think you've probably realised that my decision is made. I need to leave my girlfriend. I keep telling myself that, in fact, I am leaving her because the relationship has come to an end, and not because I am leaving her for another woman. I don't really know how true that is.

And of course, you have to leave your g/f because you 'fell in love' with another woman but you have to justify yourself and say it's not for another woman...

To make matters worse, we cannot sell the house as it has gone down in value over the last year, and it's unlikely either of us can move out. So it seems we will have to remain house-mates!

On top of that you're using a lame excuse to keep your g/f as a safetynet. You can rent out the house, or have one live in it and sublease the rest, or have your new flame move in and your soon to be ex out... but noooooo.. you sollution is to share it with your safety net.. I mean.. your ex...

Yeah.. I get the picture.

In my opinion: totally NOT cool dude.

You think I am harsh? That's what I see.

Get your act together man. You have 7 years with this girl, she loves you, you let it slack and neglected to have this talk with her 5 years ago, and now you're gona back off and drop everything you have together, for a REBOUND? Because that's exaxtly what it's gona be. Once the fire dies, it's going to be the same story.

Tell me I am wrong.

[joebloggs69]

Yes - thank you for the support and advice, I'm so glad I asked for help.

Is this a relationship forum or what?

My own fault, I neglected to realise that it's not for people who live in the real world. You guys are either about 17 years old, or must live in America. It's much the same thing.

The first responder tells me I shouldn't buy a property with someone I am not married to! (What bloody century are you from?) As if this would never have happened if we were married - surely things would be worse? And then suggests that one of us moves out and the other person pays the entire mortgage for a house on their own. Unfortunately, neither of us are Donald Trump. Out of politeness I wasn't going to say anything, but since I won't bother with this forum again I might as well.

And as for the second response - I am not using this girl as a safety net, did you even read my post? I am asking for help and support to end the relationship, not keep it going. And presumably your definition of 'working' at a relationship is 'successfuly working it out'. It's not always successful, and if, as I have discovered, I am not really in love with her, then is it really a huge surprise I might fall for someone else? And did you even read the part where I pointed out we had the talk and agreed to work it out BEFORE I fell in love?

So what is your advice? That I shouldn't have fallen out of love with my girlfriend? That I shouldn't have fallen in love with someone else? That I should have forgotten that I don't love my girlfirend and pretened that I do?

None of that is very helpful. But thank you for chastising me, that's exactly what I needed. I mean, that's what I came here for. I though 'I know, I'm depressed, wracked with guilt, and can't see any way out of the mess I'm in, I'm also about to really hurt someone I care about a lot...I could really do with asking a complete stranger for help, only to have them make me feel like shit.'

But other than that, thank you for your useful comments.

[vashti]

You are an idiot.

The fact that you have outgrown one another was fairly predictable. Anyone with half a brain could have told you this relationship was not likely going to last.

Now, because you are an idiot, you are stuck in a situation that will be 1000 times more difficult to solve, because you were an idiot and bought property with someone at such a young age.

And no, I am not 17, but I would have advised my 17 year old not to do something so stupid.

[Yggdrasil]

You guys are either about 17 years old, or must live in America.

LOL, wrong on both accounts.

[joebloggs69]

This is what I'm talking about!

I am an idoit because I invested money in property? At the age of 27, I was too young to buy a house? I should of rented a 1 bed flat at twice the price of a mortgage on a 2 bed house? A house that will, over time, increase in value? A house that may have been my only opportunity to get on the property ladder - that's bad advice is it?

But you're right. If I'd have got married this would never have happened. If I had 'God's Blessing', then I would have had a long and fruitful marriage, and presumably I would have rented a flat with my 3 kids and homely wife. It would all have been dandy. And do you know what? We've had sex too. That's right! Out of wedlock! Two adults having unprotected sex, and living together in sin! And I don't go to church on Sundays.

I'm confused: is it that I shouldn't buy property until I'm 30 as opposed to 27? Or that I shouldn't buy property until I'm married?

Oh, and yes. Of course it was predictable that the relationship would end. Anyone could see it. That's why it has lasted 7 years is it? I should have known after 6 years together that we only had 1 left, shouldn't I? It's obvious.

And besides all that, you've completely missed the point. The house is the least of my worries. I'm looking for help, to try not to cause this girl any more pain than I already have, and you're worried about the bloody house!

It's clear where your values lay. I feel sorry for your kids.

[joebloggs69]

And it's both counts, you twat.

[vashti]

Wow, you really ARE an idiot. I guess I will break it down for you a little further so you can (hopefully) comprehend. This isn't so much about your marital status, but rather that you made a long-term commitment to something (property) with someone you didn't have a long-term commitment to (girlfriend). Of course it is good to buy property if you can afford to, but it sounds like you couldn't afford to without relying on a third person. That is stupid. And since this relationship was statistically unlikely to last, now you are in a bind, and it is because you were a short-sighted idiot. Your choices are limited, and you are going to hurt another person emotionally and financially because you were short-sighted.

And this has nothing to do with God, you 'tard. It's common sense.

I think Ygg's suggestion you rent the house to a third party was about the best you can do at this point.

[Yggdrasil]

My kids are fine thx. So am I and the Missus. We've been fine actualy for the past 25 years, because that's how long we've been together.

What doesn't seem to get into that stuborn thick head of yours is that it takes a lot of WORK to make a relation work, and that you should have had that talk with her 5 years ago.

What baffles me totaly, is that when you guys decide to try to work on things, that you obviously didn't do that, but rather 'fell in love' with someone else instead of focusing on the work you would do with your partner.

Thx for the insult, douchebag.

[joebloggs69]

Ok, I've obviously come to the wrong place. Can Mods please delete this thread (and my account, for that matter)

And who's this third person we are relying on? We can afford the house together, not seperately - there's something odd about that? Do you honestly think I thought this would happen when I bought the house? And I did have long term commitment to both, I'm just confused as to what your definition of working at it is - at what point should I admit I don't love her anymore? Should I have just ignored that and carried on regardless? Is that commitment?

[vashti]

I didn't think you should force yourself to stay in this relationship. I just think you were an idiot to buy a house with a childhood sweetheart because the odds were overwhelmingly against it working out long-term. And no, I suppose you DIDN'T expect for this to happen when you bought the house, because you were young and stupid. I am HOPING you weren't so much an idiot that you actually bought this house at the end of this relationship, knowing it had gone bad (who only has sex once or twice a year, and thinks things are great?) , but I am not too optimistic about that.

And yeah, nice job deleting your original post. I hope a mod puts it back.

[sweet]

I have been dating a guy for 3 years. For the past year we have been off and on..I would break things off b/c I needed my space, then go back to him like nothing happened. This time things are different. We broke up, but we still talked on the phone, flirted, then he stopped calling me for a week. I finally called him and he answered..he told me he misses me, but that doesn't mean that he likes me. The next time we spoke, I tried telling him how I felt and he told me he didn't want to be with me b/c I didn't want to be with him, so now he doesn't. I asked him if he was seeing someone else, or if there is someone that he likes, but he said no, that the problem is me. I asked what is it about me but he only kept saying he's busy and he'll call me back. I gave him his space for over a week then I called him back, now he's not answering. I don't know if I should let go, or if he's just hurt and playing games? I'm hurting inside and I'm not sure what he's up to...please help???

[vashti]

Uhh... make your own thread, sweet.

[sweet]

I don't kno how?