It was completely wrong for so many reasons, but the heart wants what the heart wants

[JustMike]

Hi all,
I can't promise to keep this short as I think there is important info in the story, so bear with me and appreciate any and all comments. I think this post is equally applicable to this forum or even the marriage one.

I am 48 married for 20 years with 2 wonderful boys (in their late teens). For the past 10 years, my relationship with my wife has been pretty much just two people existing together. There has been no intimacy for over 8 years and we just do not give each other attention. I am not so egotistical to blame this on my wife and nor am I self deprecating to completely blame me. We both share blame here and it is what it is.

There is this girl (15 years my junior) that works at my company and last year transferred into my department working for me directly. She is also married and has 2 small kids. I was completely drawn to her as she has beautiful eyes and her smile just brightens up the room.

We started some harmless flirting, but over the course of a couple of months, we couldn't get enough of talking, txting and seeing each other. Every night we would txt each other and talk anything. During the day, we would figure ways to make sure we were working together (she was in a different building than I). I gave her complete attention and she returned it. I hadn't been so happy in a long time. And she too expressed that just seeing me made her smile. I thought about her much of the time.

The relationship progressed to simple touching, hugs in the elevator, neck rubs and just general closeness. When she touched me, it was like electricity. It was quite obvious that she was lacking attention at home, just like I was and we were satisfying that basic need that all humans have. Mind you, we had never had sex or even kissed. She had made it clear that she was not sure if she wanted to take the relationship to that level yet. She did have guilt about our relationship and I respected that. I made it clear to her that I did not want to be the cause of so much guilt that she would not be able to look at me, work with me or worse, cause more serious problems at home. She thanked me and assured me that she would deal with the little guilt she had and couldn't imagine not work with me or seeing me.

Earlier this year we had to chance to take a business trip together for 2 nights. We were very excited to be together for this much time and booked connecting rooms. On the drive up, again I made it clear to her that I was not going to ask her to do anything that she was not ready for. The first and second night we slept in the same bed, but nothing happened. Just holding each other and back rubs. In the morning of the 3rd day, I woke up first and started rubbing her neck and shoulders and back. She started to mew and told me it was ok to go under her shirt so I did. Rubbing her bare back and my hand moved down and started rubbing her butt (outside of her sweats). She was definitely getting turned on as she was moaning a bit, and her legs were rubbing back and forth and arching her neck.

Most guys would have went for it, but I couldn't. All I could think about was what would the aftermath be. Did I get her at a vulnerable moment and how much would she regret her action later. I thought about what if she felt so guilty that she couldn't come to work any more, couldn't look at me and worse, that she would have to tell her husband and ruin her marriage. All of this went through my mind and made me stop what I was doing and say, "let's get ready for work". Later on that day we talked about it and I told her exactly why I did what I did, but warned her that if there was a next time, not sure I could hold back. lol. Worse part, she told me she wasn't wearing any underwear under her sweats so seemed like she had planned for the morning.

Things continued on at work as before. Our relationship continued on as before. Then about 2 months later, at lunch she let me know that she wanted to cool things down. She was feeling guilty especially that she was thinking of me when she was with her husband. I understood (didn't have to like it) and that her husband is a very luck man and I can see that she truly does love him.

So we calmed things down at work, but continued to communicate. Then she started pulling away from that as well. What used to be txting every night and weekends started to slow down. Sometimes txts would go unanswered and unread (for those that have blackberries, you'll understand about knowing if a bbm is read or not). I said nothing at work. There was a weekend where she sent me a txt and I decided to just let it go. Call it a childish payback (you should know that when it comes to txting and emails I had always responded immediately, I wanted to show that I cared enough to respond quickly). That Monday, she asked me if I was mad at her because I did not respond. I told her no.

So fast forward to now. There are very few txts that occur after work, but I find myself hoping to receive one and the very few I send, I am never sure will get read, much less replied to.

If you haven't figured it out by now, I care very deeply for her. At one time she also expressed the same sentiment, though the word love never has come into the conversation. I see her at least twice a week, but have to talk or IM with her daily as she does work for me. She till says that she enjoys seeing me and working with me, but I am just hurt.

(ALMOST DONE) -

So I know all the issues here. I'm Married, she's married, we work together and she works for me. I get that she is probably confused and I offered her the attention that she was missing at home, but she readily returned it. I understand completely that she wants to pull away, focus on her family, but it does not make the pain any less.

Seeing her and working with her is just more of a reminder of our great time together. She still smiles at me and lightens my day and when I leave work, my heart aches. I have thought about looking for a new job.

So to you all, what are your thoughts on all this?

Do you think on the business trip that I should have taken advantage of the situation (as it seems she planned for it)?
She will still occasionally txt me at night or on the weekend, should I respond, or should I tell her to just stop all txting?
Willing to hear all opinions both negative and positive.

Many of you will think I am a pig in the first place for even thinking of cheating. I completely understand so feel free to unload.

For those that read through all this, thanks for being patience.

Mike

[TheCafeTerrace]

Your honesty is commendable Mike. You don't need a twat like me telling you what I think, but I'm going to anyway...

If you really want to be with this woman intimately, you should tell your wife. You know this already, anything short of that makes you a lying, cheating coward. If, however, you want your marriage to survive then you should get over this other woman and start concentrating on finding that lost spark between you and your wife, try tantic sex or something.

To be very honest your situation is almost so cliched as to be embarrassing - you've become bored with your wife and started being interested in a woman working under you. You're a Yamaha away from the perfect mid-life crisis.

[smackie9]

YOU ARE CHEATING!! You are and that you were having an emotional affair. It's no different than dating. And I'm shock at the fact that this has no affect of guilt or remorse for doing this behind your wife's back. This is why I can't help feel that marriage is such a sham, because those vows mean absolutely nothing to a lot of people and to YOU.

The guilt and shame that sleeping together that it would have caused would sure to have it's damaging affects on both your relationship with her as well as both your marriages.


You are weak ass loser. When sex dropped off in your marriage instead of burying your head in the sand, you should have got you and your wife into couples counseling to sort out the issues. You wait 8 years, and this was your solution instead, to cheat....shame on you.
I suggest you grow some F uckin balls and either separate from your wife or stop using a emotionally vulnerable co-worker like your friend there as an escape from your responsibility to deal with whatever issues lie in your marriage.

[JustMike]

Thanks both of you for your candid posts. Yes I know I am a cheater and liar when it comes to my marriage, but as TheCafeTerrace wrote "your situation is almost so cliched as to be embarrassing" don't you think that the reason it is cliche is because it happens so much. My wife and I have tried counseling and talking, but it just that we both have fallen into the realm of existing with each other. We still love each other and we have talked about separating but neither of us really want to do that, though in the end run it may be the best thing.

However, from my co-workers side, I want to be clear on this, it was a mutual use thing. The guy always gets blamed for being the user but I truly believe based on our talks that she was just as much attracted to me as I was to her and that she was the one who actually initiated the interaction that led to us becoming closer.

In either case, I am not here to argue the points with anyone.

Thanks again for your feedback.

[smackie9]

Yes I know it takes two to tango, but it only takes one to say no....... Just because things are crappy at home doesn't give you the excuse to participate in someone else's destruction of their marriage.....just saying. She obviously is glad that nothing more happened, and she decided to work things out with her husband. It was a good thing that it didn't go that far...... your hesitation did save a marriage. So something positive did come out of this.

Like I said man up and get a divorce, start moving on with your life, you will be much happier for it. The kids are older now, and she is going to be on board with it. It's a no brainer.

[Wakeup]

However, from my co-workers side, I want to be clear on this, it was a mutual use thing. The guy always gets blamed for being the user but I truly believe based on our talks that she was just as much attracted to me as I was to her and that she was the one who actually initiated the interaction that led to us becoming closer.

Shame on you for trying to justify.

The bottomline is: You are married and if you can't make it work so that you can stop crossing fundamental relationship boundaries that keep a couple monogamous, if you can't get it together so that you regain the lost emotional connection that is currently the norm at your house, then get the hell out of the marriage and quit trying to have your American Pie and screwing it to.

In her absence, I will say the same thing to the naive and confused young girl who, at the very least is smart enough to TRY and rectify the disrespect she was showing herself and the man she promised to forsake all others for.

You.. You're still in justify and "poor me" mode. Get the fk over it, mmm'kay!

If you don't want to leave your tidy little, boring nest, then please approach your wife and have an open, honest communication about opening up your marriage in the sexual sense. I'd think twice about that if I were you because obviously you are unable to compartmentalize lust from love and you'll fall for the first little thing that "brightens up your day with her smile."

[TheCafeTerrace]

Yup, the ever-wise Wakeup and smackie9 have already said it all.

don't you think that the reason it is cliche is because it happens so much.

not an excuse

... from my co-workers side, I want to be clear on this, it was a mutual use thing.

not an excuse

she was the one who actually initiated the interaction

not an excuse

I wasn't being flippant about the tantric sex by the way. If you do decide to give the marriage a shot I'd highly recommend it - it's the most intimate way to reconnect with a partner, sexually and emotionally. I'm not one for spiritual bollocks, but honestly with this you'll be doing yourself a favour by doing a little research with your wife: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Tantric-Sex-Kavida-Rei/dp/1405334924/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1344530164&sr=8-1

[JustMike]

Wow - I knew I would take some serious lumps for being a cheater (yes I fully admit it or else I would not have posted here to begin with). I am not looking for absolution from anyone here nor am I looking to be excused for my actions. It just amazes me that you all side immediately with the other women. That is so double-standard.

Wakeup writes "I will say the same thing to the naive and confused young girl". Well this so called Naive and Confused Young girl is 33 and been married for 9 years and based on our discussions has had an affair with an older married man before she was married, is attracted to older men to begin with (her husband is older), and had told me that if she wasn't married she would have no problem continuing with the affair. Certainly not the words of a Naive Girl and her age puts her out of the realm of young, the I wouldn't call her old either.

As for confused, she was the one that finally initiated the contact and discussion about our feelings, not me. I may have playfully flirted, but she was the one to ask the specific questions and to move the relationship on. Had she not done that, I would have never went any further with the relationship.

So really you all need to realign your thought process here and not rush to say "ohh the poor defenseless girl is being hurt by the big, bad man". One could say that there is a real possibility that this girl specifically used me to ensure that she did well in her position (oh, that never happens) and garner favors to her benefit. Well, I am confident that is not the case here.

Now to the point of my marriage. Absolutely I have cheated. No we did not have sex, but emotionally, I cheated. I am not trying to hide that nor deny it. My marriage has gone through several changes over the past 21 years. I do love my wife and she loves me (I know the cheaters mantra), but I just don't think we like each other much. We have contemplated divorce, but quite frankly as I have been the sole earner in the house (it was my decision when my wife could not find a job after getting laid off before we got married), a divorce would basically leave me homeless since my wife would get everything (and not that she does not deserve to be taken care of as well as the kids), but it does no one any good to have their father left destitute. Yes, I can be a little selfish here and I know the women on this site will raise all hell on this part alone.

There are a whole host of reasons my marriage has gotten to where it is and maybe I will relate it all next, but suffice it to say that the situation at home is what it is and it is doubtful it will change for the better or worse anytime soon.

Let the bashing continue.........

[smackie9]

If your co-worker was posting on here we would be saying the same things to her....but she is not. And by no means do I think she is an innocent, or nor do I have any sympathy for her situation either. She was making some bad choices too.

[Wakeup]

Wow - I knew I would take some serious lumps for being a cheater (yes I fully admit it or else I would not have posted here to begin with). I am not looking for absolution from anyone here nor am I looking to be excused for my actions. It just amazes me that you all side immediately with the other women. That is so double-standard.

Read again, no one is being accepting her side of things either. She however has tried to stop it where you pine for it to resume.

Wakeup writes "I will say the same thing to the naive and confused young girl". Well this so called Naive and Confused Young girl is 33 and been married for 9 years and based on our discussions has had an affair with an older married man before she was married,

She could be 133 and still be a naive little girl. Age has nothing to so with her state of emotional maturity and pyschological state of mine.

is attracted to older men to begin with (her husband is older), and had told me that if she wasn't married she would have no problem continuing with the affair.

See, that's where you and she differ. You on the otherhand would have no problem carrying on the affair even when you're married

Certainly not the words of a Naive Girl and her age puts her out of the realm of young, the I wouldn't call her old either.

Puleeeeze give up trying to justify your actions by pointing out her actions. and thinking that will make you less culpable. She's just as disrespectful to herself and her partner as you are to yours.

As for confused, she was the one that finally initiated the contact and discussion about our feelings, not me. I may have playfully flirted, but she was the one to ask the specific questions and to move the relationship on. Had she not done that, I would have never went any further with the relationship.

Add sniveling coward to your repetoire. Please, stop trying to justify your actions by blaming her for your choice. She didn't lie to you and tell you she was single/divorced or available to bed you. You KNEW the deal going in.

So really you all need to realign your thought process here and not rush to say "ohh the poor defenseless girl is being hurt by the big, bad man". One could say that there is a real possibility that this girl specifically used me to ensure that she did well in her position (oh, that never happens) and garner favors to her benefit.

How unnattractive. You are grasping at straws.

Now to the point of my marriage. Absolutely I have cheated. No we did not have sex, but emotionally, I cheated. I am not trying to hide that nor deny it. My marriage has gone through several changes over the past 21 years. I do love my wife and she loves me (I know the cheaters mantra), but I just don't think we like each other much. We have contemplated divorce, but quite frankly as I have been the sole earner in the house (it was my decision when my wife could not find a job after getting laid off before we got married), a divorce would basically leave me homeless since my wife would get everything (and not that she does not deserve to be taken care of as well as the kids), but it does no one any good to have their father left destitute. Yes, I can be a little selfish here and I know the women on this site will raise all hell on this part alone.

Oh for goodness sakes. So tell us, what would happen if she caught you mid shag with your chronicly cheating coworker whose charms seduced you so easily? Your wife would have you by the balls as well as the wallet then.

There are a whole host of reasons my marriage has gotten to where it is and maybe I will relate it all next, but suffice it to say that the situation at home is what it is and it is doubtful it will change for the better or worse anytime soon.

No kidding, you do nothing to improve it and everything to make the emotional connection gap wider and wider. Get yourself some personal councelling. It will help you. Marital councelling may help you both re-learn what you've lost within your union.

Let the bashing continue.........

What have you done to try and get back on the marital bliss track with your wife and the mother of your children?

[IndiReloaded]

You're a Yamaha away from the perfect mid-life crisis.

Oh my. Cafe is now officially my Favourite New Poster (plus I know he spells 'favourite' the same way I do)! Brilliant.

And the rest of the posts too. Awesome.

[IndiReloaded]

@ JustMike. The fundamental problem (the reason you are posting here, I assume) is that you know your position is without integrity.

You are married. Your affair partner (that's what it is) is also married. That is your present reality.

So. What do you want? That is the crux of the matter? Do you want a divorce? Do you really want this younger thing to divorce also? Or are you just really wanting your freedom?

Or, do you actually love your wife and wish that what you had/have with this young thing is what you have with your wife? If you could sculpt your wife into the 'perfect woman' (no such, but just hypothetically), what is it you need?

Decide where you are at and then act accordingly. If you want your wife, take steps to make that happen. Start by cutting contact with this other woman. If you want out, then take steps to make that happen. But for gods sake, don't add insult to injury by lying to your wife. Respect her and your long marriage enough to at least make the choice whether *she* wants to deal with your sorry ass infidelity. Perhaps, if you are lucky, she will make the decision for you and you can take the coward's route out.

Thank you for visiting [tough] Love Forum.

[jeejee]

Yup, the ever-wise Wakeup and smackie9 have already said it all.

not an excuse

not an excuse

not an excuse

I wasn't being flippant about the tantric sex by the way. If you do decide to give the marriage a shot I'd highly recommend it - it's the most intimate way to reconnect with a partner, sexually and emotionally. I'm not one for spiritual bollocks, but honestly with this you'll be doing yourself a favour by doing a little research with your wife:

Youre disgusting. Tantric sex? Nobody wants to bump uglies for 3 hours. Even Sting admitted it was nonsense eventually. Get real man.

[IndiReloaded]

Nobody wants to bump uglies for 3 hours. Even Sting admitted it was nonsense eventually.

LOL! jeejee, you remind me of someone..

[TheCafeTerrace]

Youre disgusting.

I like to think so.

Tantric sex? Nobody wants to bump uglies for 3 hours.

Maybe not with you, but if you knew anything about tantra you'd know it isn't about "bumping uglies" at all.

Even Sting admitted it was nonsense eventually. Get real man.

Unlike you I don't gather my information about sexuality from Sting or Heat magazine.