Is my gut instinct right?

[ds1]

I dated a guy for a few months in college and we broke up soon after. We had a friends with benefits relationship for a few weeks after that. We got in a huge fight when he decided he wanted to see someone else and didn't speak until close to the end of that school year. We parted as friends, but I was more invested in the friendship than he was. He would occasionally contact me over the years as he dated someone seriously and while I tried to stay in touch, I was frustrated by his lack of interest in being friends (his gf didn't like we talked).

He broke up with his gf and it was a bad breakup. He called me the night they broke up, and he moved short-term somewhere for a job. We stayed in contact through e-mail infrequently, and at one point I started to put him on a pedestal of being a wonderful guy (in spite of my prior experiences). He talked about hanging out, but I was nervous. When we did get together I should have realized we were both different. After our first "date", we went back to his condo. He made some comments that led me to think of our fwb past, and I left in a hurry hoping if he felt differently he would pursue the relationship and he didn't. A few months later we tried again, but it was the same - I was uncomfortable. He gave me one last try and it went well, but he was also dating someone else at the time (I didn't know). I made one slip up after that, and he chose to commit to the girl he was dating.

I thought we were still friends, even though he was becoming more distant because of "work" - which seemed legitimate. I was waiting, I suppose. He was acting differently, but I didn't know why. He would occasionally respond when I wrote, so it made it more difficult because it was no different than our situation before except he was "busy". I should have read the signs but I didn't. A year after our last date, I tried to setup similar plans (where I made the slip up) and was prepared to follow through. He skipped out on our plans after accepting, and when questioned whyand got angry he ignored me altogether, I pushed and he blew up at me. He said he couldn't win with me, and wanted some space.

We didn't talk for a long time. I did not have a lot of the blanks filled by him, I figured those things out for myself (the gf, etc). I thought we were friends, but after I initiated most contact with him - he only chimed in when felt like it. I want to blame myself completely, but I remember asking him (while he was dating his gf) if he wanted to have dinner and he said he would love to. I asked him to have dinner with me for my birthday and he sounded excited to do that (while he was dating his gf). He disappeared without a word, and never bothered to explain. I know he didn't have to, but I would have appreciated it.

I found out he was engaged and I sent him a note of congratulations and he thanked me and said it meant a lot to him for me to say that. I do want him to be happy, I always have, and it was hurtful to me to think he didn't know me well enough to know that even if I was hurt by his choice I do want him to be happy. I also know even if we had been in a relationship, he might have still met this girl and we might have broken up because of it. I thought when he responded after all that time, especially that it meant a lot to him I say that, that it was true. I thought things might be getting better, the time apart had made us see the situation differently. I asked him that question, and he responded almost as if I still had feelings for him and was asking if he was ever going to leave his fiance. I do care about him, always will, but I miss the ability to hear about his life and know what's going on more than I miss his presence in my life (or wish he were my boyfriend/husband). The same things he said he wanted - that he wants to remain friends, and hear from me occasionally but that is all he wants from me.

I don't believe that is true. I think if he did, he would have been more upfront about his relationship in the first place. My gut tells me he said that to be polite and doesn't intend to follow through, and I was wondering if I am right in believing that. I'm finding it difficult to understand because things "mean a lot to him" and he "wants to remain friends" but they don't quite gel with his actions. I hate when people are polite, especially in situations like this, because it can be read into if you want things to be different than they are.

[JB9]

If you really want him to be happy, stop contacting him. He has moved on, is engaged and happy. Time for you to do the same for yourself....move on and find someone to have a relationship.

[smackie9]

I see that you kept hoping someday he would come to his sense and know he should be with you. Today it's time you came to your senses. I'm sure he made an attempt to see potential in you first time around, but after two months, he saw you as too "clingy and needy so it had to end. After that you were just a _uck but you were too short sighted to see it. Since you are such a desperate person, it took very little effort to keep you on a line "just in case" he could get some sex out of you between GF's. But with each failed attempt he distanced himself and moved on to another girl. He never had any intention of being friends, it was very blatant because his actions showed it....but you chose words over actions......you kept convincing yourself over and over that someday this could work.

Don't blame him for any of this, it's you who is to blame.....you have been neglecting your "gut feeling" all this time and made yourself act like a fool.