I'm having troubles with my boyfriend's mother

[tsutsu]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years.

Our first year together was simply awesome. He was there for me, I was there for him, we talked about important things in life, we started making plans about how our relationship should evolve, he even suggested we move in together when he graduates college (which was next year) - which scared me a bit, because really, who wants to move in together after a year of being together and start, you know, a serious relationship. However, we proved that wasn't a problem because simply, I started staying at his place more often and I found myself staying there for a week or so, and we were fine. So then I stopped worrying about living together, because we proved it wasn't a problem.

BUT then, he didn't graduate and since I started going to college in another town, that was a problem. We wouldn't/couldn't see each other so often, and the only time we could see each other was the weekends. Which was okay as well, but then, after a month of that arrangement, he said, "I don't want to travel by bus so much, my back hurts from sitting in the bus." so he stopped coming so often. I was still coming back home every 2 weeks even though I'm suffering from a terrible motion sickness. (-> I felt kinda betrayed there. I could and he couldn't, really?)

Then I told him how I felt because that's what I do, and he said, I shouldn't worry, that he still loved me and we would be together in January when his classes end, he could come to me (in another town) and spend time with me (He even promised and convinced me it will be fine.) because he had to do work practise as his last semester in college, and he could do that anywhere because his sister had a shop, and they (him, mum and sis) decided it would be best for him to work there (how?).

AND then in September his aunt died, and he had to go back home to visit his family for the funeral (in another country) and stayed there for 2 months. (Which kinda angered me because he couldn't stay at my place for a week since he had classes, but could stay home for 2 months even tho he was missing all his classes?) When he came back, he went straight back to my home town. He didn't even come to visit me, I came there at the bus station and welcomed him back home and he said "hi, love you, bye".

Then I failed my 1st year in college, and had to move back home with my parents, except it wasn't with my parents, it was with him. It just happened that I had more stuff at his place than at my parent's house. My parents didn't mind, didn't ask anything, and were happy I was happy. When I was living there, he confided in me, that they didn't have much money, and the apartment he was staying at, was very expensive.

I offered we move in into my place in another town (where I go to college) in September since we already planned on doing that and everyone knew our relationship became serious (marriage in the future and all that), and he said "okay, that's a great idea, I'll ask my mum." ("I'll ask my mum?" why should your mother care where you live as an adult - he was 25 at that time) And he did ask his mum, and she said something like, "No, you won't move in with her because we're paying you an apartment to live in." but I didn't know he asked her, whenever I asked about it, he said, "I will, stop nagging." Then in May.... I asked if he asked his mother because it's time to tell his landlord. And he said the same, "I will, stop nagging." In June, I asked again and only then he admitted he asked already and she said no. (-> which hurt me, because really, your mummy said no, and you won't do it?) But he assured me he would talk to her again and I believed him. Then in July I asked again, because we agreed he'd be moving out of this place in August and he hadn't told anyone, not even his landlord. I started getting irritated. He said, "yes, my mum and I agreed, and she'll come to help me tell my landlord." (-> I was like what the heck? but let it slide because he explained he didn't want to get scammed by the guy since he was an idiot and I believed him!) She came last week in July, pushed me aside and cleaned the whole place with him, talked to the landlord, and we finally moved him out to my place. (I should be happy right, except I wasn't since she happily said she'd come and clean my apartment for us. Like, I can't do that?) The landlord ended up scamming them in the end anyway, but that's not important now.

Since it was August already and he's been living away from home, it was sort of a tradition for him to go and visit his family until September and since I was almost a family member now, I went with him, which became normal for me - we always did that for holidays -> visiting his family, staying with his family, being there.

I was happy we finally moved out of that stinky old apartment. I was also happy he seemed under less stress now and could finally dedicate his time to his college obligations and that little dentist visit he had to do.

(Let me explain about that dentist thing the best I can since I'm not a native English speaker; he has a cyst in his lower gums, and has to go to the surgery, but he's terrified of hospitals and doctors and dentists. When we found out he had the cyst in April/May he promised me, he would go to the dentist and won't neglect his health. He was so sure and confident about it, I actually believed he would do it.)

So the first thing I do when we got to his family's place, I ask, jokingly, "when are you going to the dentist?" and he just smilies, I just smile, thinking he's teasing me. Then, the week goes by. I was asking the same question each day since the dentist told him it he'd lose his teeth when they removed the cyst, so he needed the new artificial ones, and that takes time, but no, he doesn't want to go yet. Then on Saturday, someone brought up the subject of his college and the dentist thing, and his mum tells him, "honey you don't need to go the dentist now, you can do it in October when you come back here, you don't have to rush, there is time." and he says, "okay." and I go crazy in my head because; #1 he promised he would go, #2 he promised he wouldn't neglect his health, #3 his dentist told him to go remove the cyst immediately since it could spread to all his front teeth and he'd lose all.

So now, I feel betrayed. I feel angry. I feel stupid and most importantly I feel like sh!t because what we agreed and decided together doesn't matter since his mother said her opinion (which wasn't opinion at all, it was persuasion.)

Because it's not just that. It's everything about her. How she interacts with her children and everyone around her. She's a single mother, they lost their father when they were young and of course because of that, she had to worry about everything and had to be the best mother ever. I understand that, I really do. I mean, I admire it. It just pisses me off right now, that she controls their lives.

Her daughter is 33, she's jobless. She had her shop, as I stated above, but had to close it because she was pregnant. Now, when the baby is 5 months old, she says, "I'll close the shop because we're in bigger and bigger debt each month." their mum says, "what does your brother (my bf) say about it?" she says, "he says the same." then she says, "what does your husband thinks?" and she says, "he doesn't want to get involved because you're the financial decision maker." and she giggles like that's a normal thing. The mum says, "don't close it." and they decide not to close it just like that. She's not even working there, the shop doesn't exist, she failed and their mum still says, "don't close it".

It also bothers me, their mum also takes care of her grandson more than his parents. My bf's sister has to ask their mum what and how to do everything.

It also bothers me, their mum doesn't like her son-in-law, and because of her dislike towards him, he runs away from his responsibility as a father. When the kid was still 1month old, she was saying , "look you made him cry." The poor baby's father got scared and since then he's not coming near the baby. Which is crazy for me, since no-one said anything. I was the only one that told the father, "you're a great father." (because he is, he cares for the baby, but won't go near, that's so much more than most fathers do.)

Why I'm writing this, is because it bothers me she's so controlling. She makes all the important decisions for her children. Like, all, every last one of them. I also feel angry with her, because she's basically telling them "Don't do anything in life, I'll live it for you." I feel like she's stealing their life experience.

I talked to my boyfriend about it, and he said, "that's what she's like. I don't understand why I can't ask for her advice." I told him, "honey, that's not advice." and he just shook his head, and then, I said, "I'm really worried about our life together, I don't want her controlling us." and he said, "don't worry about it, we'll be fine. I promise."

Right now, I don't know what to think. I don't believe him, I want to, but I just can't. I had to vent because I think I'm starting to have health issues because of it. I feel like I'm always talking to the wall when I talk to my boyfriend. He doesn't understand me, doesn't try to understand me. I don't know how to tell him I will leave him if he doesn't men up a little bit.

Please help me deal with it.

In short: my bf's mum is controlling our lives and I hate it.

[cheekxs]

You talk to much. we dont have that much time to read your whole damm life story.

And im tired of stupid people like this.

If you did your job well you should have know how he is and his mother.

But people lay down with men having sex without even knowing the name of the guy.
and when years past by they go to meat the parents and start complaining.

Next time take time to know the person and everything else. before making your decision.

And i see a lot of did not make it at school.
Maybe you need to put your attention in there!

[cheekxs]

You almost never win from a mother "inlaw"

so or your keep figting her or you find a way to keep things going.

And your bf is the one that need to choose for you!
If he dont, you can always choose to leave him with his mother, if there is where he want to be.

And when you a adult you dont have to ask your mom everything what to do.
iTS their own choice to keep asking her. they need to grow up

[tsutsu]

Well cheekxs, I'm tired by stupid people like you too, but I don't go tell them that. I posted here because I expected an advice from people that are here. Why do you even bother to reply if you don't have time to read our life story?

And thanks, you could just say it simple without insulting me.

[cheekxs]

Cause this is not a story book moron. are you that stupid.
and you need to start thinking before you post. cause there are 1000 of topics.

people will not read that much . you want a opinion, not them, so you have to put it the way they will like it and want to read it.

and you insult me back and not you tell me how i should do it? hahahahahah stf stupid.

[vashti]

I didn't read the whole post; cheeks is right - it;s way too long. From that which I skimmed, I think I understand you to say that you want to move in with your boyfriend but his mother pays his rent and is opposed? If that is true, then you are out of luck. People get to make adult decisions when they are financially independent. If you think that makes his mother a bitch, then you are wrong. You will do the same thing one day when YOU have children who want your money.

[tsutsu]

Nope, I never said that "I want to move in with my boyfriend but his mother pays his rent and is opposed".

I even edited the post and shortened it in 1 sentence, which was "my bf's mum is controlling our lives and I hate it."

The only real reply I got here was actually from cheekxs. They said my bf and his sister need to grow up. That's the only help I got. And I know that, I just wanted an advice how to help my bf grow up.

Why do you even bother to give me an advice if you don't read the whole thing?

This is so wrong. You people are the reason I hate forums. I'll never come back, don't worry.

[cheekxs]

Well good bye.

Before you go, i did not read everything.

But if the mom is paying, she will say whatever she want.

so if you dont want her to say something grow up yourself and be adult . adult dont depend on parents but makes
own money and pay own bills so no one have noting to say to them.

By letting the mother or your mother pay, you cant expect them or your bf not to do and be like they are.

if both of you make own money you will have a more clear reason and way to lead your own life.

[Boisdevie]

I won't comment. I didn't read the entire message. Surely you can get to the point in fewer words. A shorter posting and you might get more replies.

[surfhb]

It is way too long.... If you want better reply you need to shorten it... But anyway.

Yes she controls his life and there's nothing you can do about it. This is something you will need to accept if you want to be with this man.

Personally I think you guys are getting ahead of yourselves. Why are you failing classes? This should BE number one priority in your life. You're not getting married right now so step back a bit and take care of the things that really matter right now.

[HeartIsAching]

You talk to much. we dont have that much time to read your whole damm life story.

And im tired of stupid people like this.

If you did your job well you should have know how he is and his mother.

But people lay down with men having sex without even knowing the name of the guy.
and when years past by they go to meat the parents and start complaining.

Next time take time to know the person and everything else. before making your decision.

And i see a lot of did not make it at school.
Maybe you need to put your attention in there!

Well Cheekxs, it was kind of a lot of text...

But who the hell are you to be calling people stupid? You're damn close to living in a group home, aren't you?

[cheekxs]

Well Cheekxs, it was kind of a lot of text...

But who the hell are you to be calling people stupid? You're damn close to living in a group home, aren't you?

stf off you stupid moron. im not the subject here. stop putting your nose where it doesnt belong ass hole.group home? what the **** are you talking?
i guess you are retarded to. that is your group , fool

[HeartIsAching]

Seriously? The best you could come up with "I know you are, but what am I?" Pathetic.

[Boisdevie]

Seriously? The best you could come up with "I know you are, but what am I?" Pathetic.

I firmly believe that ones ability to proffer a good insult is related directly to intelligence. This explains why cheekxs is clearly unable to insult people in an effective manner. She is simply a thick as dogshit.

[AdminOnline]

TS, you may want to provide a summary . That will help to get more answers to your post.