Quick little contact advice

[stucco]

Yo, team. It's been a month since I was last in contact with my ex. Basically the day we separated, we went no contact. It hasn't always been rad, but it forces you to learn patience! It's kinda' hip.

Cutting straight to the chase, I'm interested in knowing the definitive way to re-establish contact with my ex.

I remember vividly, a week before we separated: I was cracking wise and she asked me "Why are you so funny all the time?" I'm thinking about sending her a light hearted text here and there, assuming she responds, and then from there, eventually going to meeting up at a little cafe we always wanted to go to together, but never got around to. There are so many great little places in my city that it was hard to see them all, but man, we laid a big dent in the bucket list!

I had wondered if I'd still be interested in her, or if, like a teenager, I'd feel betrayed or something, and I don't. The breakup forced me to look at myself and grow. I've never tried to get a lover back into my life in any capacity. This is new territory for this 27 year old here. When we separated, I told her I respected her decision. I admired her honesty and strength. She is the most fun, beautiful, and brilliant woman.

Responses I'm not looking for: folk who immediately say "Move on." I will move on if this doesn't work out. Throughout the course of this month I've been my most social; I've enrolled in a couple classes, done some light traveling, my career is accelerating, and yes, I have been talking to other women. I've been able to examine what I want from life. I never thought about values and the future before. What was I thinking!? It just didn't occur to me.

We had a ridiculously amazing time together, and I believe we still can. If my valiant effort fails, then it fails, but man, life's about risk.

Let's keep the negativity on hold, fellow users. Is sending a text or two before making a suggestion about the cafe a good idea, or should I just shoot for the cafe firstly?

[vashti]

Why did she dump you? The reason might direct the way you approach her now.

[cheekxs]

i think somenone can only ask this if they have kids with their ex.
so it will be asking advice to keep a relationship just for the kid.

but if you have no kids together you need to stop hanging like a wet dog on exes feet.,

you had your time, it didn't succeed, MOVE ON!

Stop keeping hanging around. grow up.

This is what i saw a lot this week.
exes that become a real problem when the person wants to date someone else.
Cause the new person can have a safe relationship. and exes keep messing around or dont draw a clear line what they are of each other.

So you are noting hers. so get lost.People posting topics like this are often i think people that are hoping that the friendship with their ex can become a relationship again.
so stupid.

[stucco]

Ha-ha! I actually included the reason in secret.

It was wedding season. She started thinking hard about the future. Eventually she grew to feel we might not be compatible, for instance, 66 years from now because our values, she felt, were too different. She thought about it long and hard, and it was a bit surprising. It was only in the last week of togetherness did I realize something was different. A day or two before, I got the dreaded "No matter what, I'll always love you" text message.

It wasn't a bad breakup. I had sensed it coming and had some time to mentally prepare for it. I made jokes, and through it all, we laughed and we cried. And we held hands as we walked back to her home so I could grab my bike and some belongings.

She suggested that "All we ever did was have fun." We enjoyed learning and talking and making one another laugh, lounging in bed all day whispering sweet nothings to one another, and going on amazing dates that took all of our breath away. We were both designers, albeit, in wildly different mediums. I believe we both genuinely thought the other person was the sexiest thing on the planet.

As mentioned in my original post, I'm wasn't even sure I knew what my values were just a month ago. I believe I was wildly apathetic about them. I've done the research on myself. I wrote a lot of pages about my own values and goals. Just trying to define myself, for myself, first and foremost. If it ever comes up in discussion with her, I'll approach the subject, but it'll be reserved.

This woman was a wake-up call. Life experiences. You learn from them. If you don't-- if you're not aware-- well, you're not going to have a good quality of life, I feel. Admitting that, there was nothing particularly "wrong" with me. I just needed to be more defined, I feel. Whether or not that interests her is unknown as of now.

[stucco]

Oh, and cheekxs, sorry. I replied before I noticed you had posted.

I'm not going to try and be friends with my ex for a long, long time. We have many friends together, and I'm planning to maintain a relationship with some of them, however, I realize how torturous a shaky friendship can be.

If my advances are rejected and met with negativity, then I'm out. Plain and simple.

[TheCafeTerrace]

I say go for it - so many people come onto this forum wanting to get back with their ex because they're lonely, or jealous, or realised they couldn't do better. You, my friend, are a breath of fresh air, positive, outgoing and optimistic. Best of all you don't take yourself or life too seriously.

If my valiant effort fails, then it fails, but man, life's about risk.

Amen!

Now, to your question... Yes, send a couple of light-hearted texts first. You know her best, you know her sense of humour, you know what will make her smile. Then when you've reminded her of why she fell for you in the first place, ask her to the cafe. It might be a long shot, but what have you got to lose?

Best of luck!

[vashti]

If she doesn't believe you have shared values, I doubt she will think this has changed in only a month.

Also, not to be unkind, but the way you describe your relationship - I can't imagine a woman dumping a guy she was as crazy about as you portray; most women would try to "fix" whatever the issue was rather than throw it all away. Are you sure she was as invested as you describe?

As for how to ask her out again, why don't you just ask her directly if she'd be interested in meeting up for lunch to catch up, rather than trying to sneak in the back door?

[TheCafeTerrace]

As for how to ask her out again, why don't you just ask her directly if she'd be interested in meeting up for lunch to catch up, rather than trying to sneak in the back door?

Yeah, girls don't like it when you sneak into their back door, but if you're going to try remember to use plenty of lube.

Just out of interest, what exactly does 'having different values' actually mean?

[Boisdevie]

Just out of interest, what exactly does 'having different values' actually mean?

Perhaps she's a front door kind of girl and he's a back door kind of guy?

[stucco]

Thanks, everyone. And no, you're not being unkind, Vashti.

There were a couple other goings on, but I tend to not mention them sometimes because the Values were the biggest issue she could reason to me. On a side note: at the time, her sister was gravely sick, but has since recovered. Good eye. That's what no one else on the internet has picked up on yet. People in real-life wondered if there was more to it than that.

Another thing that I read into, but she didn't directly say (meaning I pieced it together a bit), was that she needed some time to enjoy her summer. She's 25. I know a lot of people who have a hard time deciding what they want to do with their lives after they make a transition out of university. She went for 5 years, had a great job doing really, REALLY notable work, but disliked it a lot. At the earliest part of summer, she left her downtown office to work at a much more modest job that she enjoyed a lot more. She hated "taking her work home with her," and with this newer job, it isn't an issue in the slightest. When summer is over, I believe she'll have to job hunt again. She was talking about going into a different, however, related career to her office job.

Part of me feels she just needs time to recharge on Mars a bit.

If, however, you're insinuating something nefarious, I sincerely doubt it. This 25 year old woman was as honest as they came. Her honesty will absolutely never be questioned by me. I trust her implicitly.

I understand that at the end of this week she's heading to the coast for a week or so. We have a mutual friend who relayed me that info last weekend. I was planning to get a hold of her in the next handful of days asking if she'd like to hit the cafe some time after she returns.

Oh, TheCafeTerrace, I really cannot translate what it means into words. She and I communicated in our own special weirdo way and we both understood.

You know what? It's great to hear someone saying "do it." All my friends in real-life are fully supportive of me, I just don't like bogging them down so much with this strife. The internet, however, has been, basically, the internet. You know what that means.