What is up with this guy and the libido roller coaster?

[emily333]

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 4 years. He's 40, I'm 42. We only see each other privately one day a week, because of his responsibilities with his kids. We do also spend time together, meet for dinner, talk a lot, etc outside of that day, but we have one day a week that we meet just the two of us in private and generally are intimate. My boyfriend has a habit to "warn me" days in advance that he "might not be up to sex". He also mentions a lot during the week that he hasn't felt much up to sex, or hasn't felt very sexual, or similar. It seems that the more flirty or sexy I behave when we talk outside of the day we normally get together, the more he tells me about his non-sexualness. It's really beginning to get on my nerves, because as soon as he says he might not be up to sex, I start trying not to want or expect sex when we see each other and it completely kills my libido. Generally, when we do meet, he does want to get sexual and I end up trying to push myself back into a mood that I've killed because of this advance setup of expectations. It's getting worse and worse because when I start looking forward to getting intimate, and tease him or flirt with him, he seems to feel pressured and give me this warning. But then he does want to have sex and, you know, women lead up a lot and the pre-flirtation and anticipation is kind of part of the foreplay. So if I'm just not thinking about it, not talking about it, and not expecting it, chances are I'm not going to just be ready the minute he decides he's excited after all. But when I tell him this, he gets upset and tells me he can't be in a sexual mood "on command" just because I want to flirt. He also complains that he notices his age is causing him to be less up to sex in general, that he can't get an erection or can't keep an erection. But I don't see this at all when I'm with him. I've never noticed any problem with his stamina or ability to get or hold an erection. So, I'm a little confused. First, guys, can you really tell three days in advance whether or not you're going to want to have sex? And what's with the libido roller coaster? Any ideas what might be going on here? And how I can deal with it gently without making him feel pressured?

[smackie9]

From what you said he gets negative feelings from your flirtations. Maybe during his marriage his wife sexually teased him, then rejected his advances, possibly this happened when he was very young....whatever it is he relates rejection with sexual flirtation. It turns him off, because it makes him anxious. You are just going to have to work around it and don't suggest sex at all, just roll with it. You want to get in the mood make him give you a massage and good foreplay........read a romance novel before he comes over.

[Boisdevie]

First, guys, can you really tell three days in advance whether or not you're going to want to have sex?

No.

And what's with the libido roller coaster?

Seems bit wierd to me

Any ideas what might be going on here? And how I can deal with it gently without making him feel pressured?

The whole situation seems very very strange and it would annoy the shit out of me. I imagime me telling my GF that in a few days time I wouldn't fancy having sex would lead to some comments from her. And the age thing sounds like complete bullshite. I'm 48, my GF is 47 and we're at it like rabbits.

[haxan]

Low libido is either a health issue, or a not interested in my partner issue. Probably best you figure out which one pretty fast.

[smackie9]

Low libido is either a health issue, or a not interested in my partner issue. Probably best you figure out which one pretty fast.

or he is busy getting it on with someone else issue.

[asdfg789]

@OP, seems he doesn't like the talk but has no problem with the act. If you NEED to have the talk to get into the mood, perhaps you are sexually incompatible.

[haxan]

or he is busy getting it on with someone else issue.

I'd file that under the not interested in my partner anymore category.

[smackie9]

I'd file that under the not interested in my partner anymore category.

yup............

[cheekxs]

he may have some serious issues that is not about you.
maybe emotionally.

but eater way you give him puzzy and dating him for that long, without any marriage plans?

hmm..............