Break up or freak out

[ciaraos]

Me and my boyfriend just broke up. He actually made me say the words but things had been odd for a while and they were brushed aside by the fact he 'tired, grumpy...etc' what it seems to have come down to is we wanted different things. I find this weird because we did. I was made redundant this year but just before we were looking to buy a place etc. Talked about kids marriage. Shortly after I was let go he did a you turn on the kids. I accepted it. I mean, he's a contractor and I had no job and unless you get a place of your own kids in London is tricky. I honestly thought things would improve once I got a job again etc. I did, luckily 3 months ago and he's on a great contract but he just just got more distant. When we met up he just seemed to want to get wasted. We are both kinda party people but this was honestly destroying me. I did address it but he then pulled out of looking for a flat again. Then used my age and a kids thing as an excuse. Now it's just over and I'm a mess. We were really close. Friends for a good while before lovers. Talked about everything but it came out he's had doubts for 6 months. Before I was made redundant but thought he'd keep trying. Thing is I could tell his behaviour changed, love yous were less, I couldn't even touch him in the right way. He just withdrew. No one else spotted it as he was great in public most of the time and told me I was being paranoid. A few of our friends now and said he's just having a freak out about commitment. I know I'm being negative but I think he just fell out of love with me. He kept texting me the last 24 hours to sort out things but I found it difficult to respond. Also friends took me out and got be nice and drunk. I'm not a drunk texter. He has my tickets to go see my parent this week-end and now I feel able to speak to him and meet up briefly he won't respond. His late text was 2 hours ago so I know he's awake. Apart from this break up am annoyed I chose a job and flat to suit the relationship as he talked me into it. I really have to change loads of things now to get back in single land and I'm 35. All of my friends have moved out of London or settled down which is natural and so meeting up has become less. Because me and my boyfriend were original part of a big group of friends I feel I can't meet up with them so much either. I feel really lost.

[ciaraos]

Just saw how bad my writing was there. Actually write for living would you believe but I feel very in shock and it shows above.

[cheekxs]

You are no baby or little kid. So you cant say he talked you into it , just cause things ended bad.

Cause if things where great you would not use those words.
It was your own choice to take job and flat and all for a men. and not for yourself.
And your English is weird and almost not to be understand!

Anyways, i think the signs where there for you. but you had an excuse for all of it and did not
want to see it.
But what can you do? Its better to be alone than in a bad relationship.
and kids dont deserve to grow up in a home like that.

Maybe its a lesson for you to never lose yourself to please your partners!
Its time to do you! change what you need to change little by little.
Soon you will be happy and single again!

[smackie9]

Your first mistake was that you kept convincing yourself things will workout once things fell into place. What you should have done was to stop everything, and had several open, honest, hard question asking communication with him. The excuses were a huge red flag......that should have alerted you.

Break ups are never easy, we can't change the mistakes made, you just have to grieve your loss, turn to your friends and family for support and slowly rebuild your life again.


so how long were you two dating for?

[ciaraos]

He was too I think. I maybe should have given it a few days before I posted something. Not when it it was just fresh. We were on the same path but a lot of things can change to affect that. The above were a lot of excuses for that but I know I've been odd as well. He's has tried talking to me and I know I need space to reassess. We were dating 13 months, been close friends for two years before that. I'm actually with family now for a few days to calm down. Don't think it's love is the problem. Just we both need to know what we want to do, rather than what we think we should be doing.

Thank you for your replies.

[ciaraos]

It's been a week now and I think my initial shock was justified. It seems he's been having a freak out and it's not our relationship but it has suffered as a result. I have not been contacting him but he has me. He's not told our friends or family. I know I need to change some things in my life and so does he. I'm giving myself that space. I was looking at the negative in my first post but now I've had a week to calm down I know my second post is right. We had been focusing on what we think we should be doing rather than what makes us happy. Anytime he wanted to discuss things it was after a few drinks. Something I had said was a bit of a problem. I like a drink as well but don't feel it's the right thing to do when discussing big issues. I also had found out this week that I'm intolerant to some forms of alcohol and food. So even one or two drinks during the week combined with some foods would make me feel ill and very strange for days. Just sorting that out alone has given me feel so much better and more like 'me'. I actually feel I might have been in a black hole the last 10 months because of diet. This relationship is on hold for now but it may no actually be dead. As I said before we were very close friends before and having that basis can alter things. Only time will tell but I'm buried in work, working out and taking it easy. It's easy to get sacred, lay blame and push those you love away but it takes strength to find courage again to face up to those things. Something we both need to do.