What should I do, advice needed

[PatrikIvarsson]

Hello

This is my first post so I'll give some background.

I've never been in any long term relationship. I'm 25, almost 26. I'm described as a very caring person, I never put myself first regarding anything in my life.

Now to my problem, I signed up for an online dating site. Went on dates, and by the sixth girl found this amazing girl. She was funny, easy to talk to had a cute accent (she is Polish and lived in Sweden for 5 Years). We basically sent each other text at the same time, etc.

By the third date we were at her place, and we decided we were not after a quick hookup so we decided not to have sex until we both were ready. a week later she went home to see her parents in Poland. She was gone for 3 weeks. During this time we kept in contact every single day, through text, calls and Skype. Everything was great, after 1 week, she asked me if I wanted to dance with her on her best friends weeding. I answered yes after some consideration. I at this stage thought that was in Sweden, BUT it was in Poland, in 1� month, and her parents would attend as godmother/father and We would stay with them for the duration of the trip (5days). At this stage I got a little freaked out, but I've said yes so I couldn't back down.

She came home to Sweden last Tuesday (1� week ago). I picked her up at the airport as I have a car and she had a heavy bag. Well one thing led to another, We started getting undressed, I asked her "Are you sure you want to do this?" , She nodded and we continued. When the night was over, I went home as I was going up early and she still had vacation. We decided to met at my place the next evening for a meal and some wine. Also this night ended on my couch and She complimented me for the way I pleased her etc. This was the point I realized hey I'm not scared of that trip anymore. We decided to meet again, Sunday as we both would be busy with my football training and her meeting some old friends.

Now this is where the problem started. She has an Ex (together 4 years, lived together 3,5 broke up 9 months ago, reason for breakup was that he is unable to take any sort of responsibility). They had a cat together, last Friday (8 days ago) the cat got worms in the stomach, and he would not give the cat any medicine, she went to his place to give the cat the medicine. I had no problem with that as I'm not at all jealous.

So Sunday comes, we meet and I directly notices something is wrong, she gives me a light kiss on the lips, before we have made out when we saw each other. She didn't seem to want to hold hands. We started walking and talking, she then says "I need to talk to you about something". I said alright what is it? She says that when she met her ex Friday, she realized she still has feeling for him and love him, despite not wanting to ever really see him again and that she is really confused. At this point I embraced her and she started crying, We sat down, and she said she doesn't know what she wants and so on (she really was not making much sense). After 15 minutes, she said she needs to go home and continue studying (she has an important exam this Wednesday). I asked her if I could follow her home and make sure she was safe (she almost fainted while we talked).

I left her alone monday and tuesday. Wednesday night we talked through text and I said I've been thinking and that I want us to try and work this out and that I want to continue our relationship, and that I'm there for her. To this she replied that she feels disgusted with herself and that she never planned for this and feels really bad about what happened. I thought this was a strange text, so I called her up. She was crying on the phone and said she has feelings for him, but never want to ever see him again as he cannot take responsibility for anything. After 10 minutes She said that she wanted more time to think things through. I said If she feels that is what she needs, she can have it.

Now my question is What should I do, was that her way of saying that I'm breaking up with you, I feel like I have no closure in that case and that I have no idea where I went wrong, I'm really confused here and have this strange feeling something else is in the water like he has some kind of hook on her like borrowed money or something.

Do any of you guys and girls out there any advice what to do I like this girl so much I don't really know what to do or say.

Br/
Patrik

[smackie9]

No worries, she just never gave herself proper closure on the last relationship. It won't be long before she realizes that her decision to end the relationship was justified with the ex and she is lucky to have found and upstanding, responsible guy like you. Her common sense will click in.

Stop being so paranoid, you didn't do anything wrong and there was no "hook". As they say if you love someone, let them go, if they come back then it was meant to be. Man up and put the fear into her of what she is about to lose. Break up with her now, and that will definitely speed up her decision.

[smackie9]

To add when it comes to situations like these you can't be a push over. You need to have self worth and think of yourself first. There is no sense in being the lackey left waiting only to find out she has been secretly talking to her ex again, and she gives him a second chance.




This is how girls brains work...... If you make yourself less available, you become more desirable.

[PatrikIvarsson]

Okey, that is fine I can do that, I have lots of other stuff I can bury myself in with work and my American football. The problem for right now is that I can accept if she doesn't want to be with me, but I'm not getting any closure on this and that will bug me a lot.

[smackie9]

That's why I said break up with her.....that's closure enough in my books. Like I said don't be a push over and wait.

[PatrikIvarsson]

Well I guess we are different types of persons, I'm a very analysing type of person that can get a loop going in my brain and unless I get the answer I just keep going around and around, making up scenarios of why what when.

Anyhow I sent her a text yesterday and from that text even thou not direct we broke up, and I will probably never know why, and right now I have like 10 different scenarios leading to this point. I just have to wait and see if she wants to tell me what went wrong, however I will now try and move on with my life and i've put myself on a no contact policy with her.

Patrik

[smackie9]

Just write it off as bad timing. I feel it was fair on her part to say no because she was honest with you that she still carried strong feelings for her ex. There is no point being with her with that elephant there all the time in the relationship.

[cheekxs]

We dont care about details about how many minutes and days and weeks. just for the record!
the point is how long did you know her?
and i dont know why people keep looking for dates on internet.
instead of going out to meet them.

and if there is no closer , you need to do that.

she sounds some kind of guilty toward the ex. like she owns him something . or she feels like it.
but i think thats not your problem. if so she need to tell you. it her drama to solve if its so.

you better leave her alone and move on with your life.
and its stupid that the guy dont give medicine to the cat, and she have to do it.
i think its a bullshit of the ex or her to keep see each other.

you should have a conversation from that moment! cause i dont get it why he cant do it or
she cant have the cat or leave it to him or otherwise.
why does it have to be like both cat and bullshit., like its a kid they have together.

She will have to call child protect service anyway if he did not take care for the kid.
so why not animal protect service so she can have the kat. problem solve no more
passing by ex home.

[PatrikIvarsson]

As I said I probably never know why, and it will bug me however I have learned something from all of this. When somone has an old ex I should ask more questions about thier status. This is my first ever relationship, and I've always seen them as when you end you tie up the knots and talk things through. I had to learn the hard way that people have bagage, and if the next time I meet someone that has this sort of thing with her I might think twice.

I thought anyway I knew her pretty well, but as I discovered there are obviously a lot I didn't know. Well I do believe he could have used the cat to make her come see him, I've never met the guy, but I know how much she liked the cat. This was the first time they saw eachother in 3 months. Because she really didn't want to see him and apparently he was texting/calling her every day and just being plane desprate.

The reason for me looking for dates on the internet is really because I want to have a mental connection before I advance to sex, not the otherway around. I have picked up dates/phone no. by talking to girls on bus stops etc. but I found that Online dating is a good compliment.

I will try and get back out there as quickly as possible and take what I learned with me and move on. i even plan on actually using my flight ticket to Poland and go on vacation, I've already had the vacation give by my company and the airplane ticket is paid so only expense extra would be housing, and that is pretty cheap in Poland.

[PatrikIvarsson]

Hello

She texted me tonight. She said that She feels like a real coward but she feels she can not tell it to my face. She says I'm the most handsome, smart and charming guy she met in her whole life, and she feels really disgusted with herself over that she can not let go of the past, because that guy is one you would want to forget. She said that if she got over him properly and I was stil lsingle which she doubted, then she would give me a sign. I texted her back that I would not wait for her, because I deserve someone who can love me and only me.

Now starts the healing process....