Daydreams of an Affair with my Boss

[Rythm&BlueEyes]

This makes me feel so powerless and petty. And parts of me wonder if I should stop having inappropriate dreams and daydreams (the immature parts.....or maybe the "freespirited/life should be an adventure" parts)

Please skip to the bottom for the main issue or primary focus/talking points.

Please read below for a more detailed, pouring of heart and mind on the matter. Warning, it's long.

I've been at my job for a few years, rising through a few departments to a low level of management, my first management gig! I am 23 and my level of responsibility is still steadily growing. For example, I still find myself strolling into work a few short minutes late most mornings. Its a call center that is fairly laid back, and I don't get much flack for it, but still I'm coming to realize the importance of being prompt, and have more recently been making an effort (and succeeding) at being a few minutes early There are a few other areas where I find I am not giving my job 100% (most likely because I DON'T want to make this my career) and am catching myself doing "wrong" and making a conscious effort to change my bad habits. This desire to do well while there may be a sense of pride as it's been buzzing around I may be offered a promotion.

The promotion would be to the level of my boss. There are many 'teams' with someone of my boss's level at the head, and someone at my level to assist, and then the entry level employees. To my knowledge I would get my own "team" and not affect my boss's position.

Before I was on this particular team as a lower level manager, I worked through the various departments of my workplace, at one point being an entry level employee under my now boss when he was the head of another team in another department. Back then I sort of disliked him. I never really considered his appearance, and work flow prevented much time to get to know his personality (and I was more introverted back then) but he was a very touchy-feelly person, and I have issues with guys I don't consider friends getting into my personal space with touching. It was never inappropriate touching, just pats on the back and friendly hand on shoulder. Come to think of it though, I believe there were a few times he would sort of lightly grab at my elbow, or pinch my arm. Just enough to get under my skin. I used to think, after I had been promoted out of the department, he only came to say hello to me when I was wearing a low cut shirt. Because we did not talk beyond those days I noticed his eye-wandering greeting.

So skip forward, I finally get promoted to that low level management in another department, after some time find myself in the same position just moved to another department where this boss has also been moved, but I'm under someone else. Then some more time passes, and he becomes my direct superior as I am moved to his team. At this point I've pushed the touching-creepiness I once experienced out of my mind, convinced he is an innocently friendly guy and I misread things. We have a professional relationship, there is still some hands on, but even now it seems like less intrusive than back in the first department. There is minimal small talk (we simply don't have time!) but when we do, its short snippets about music or tv shows, the normal small talk. There have been passing comments though, like the status of his marital stability, or comments on me and my boyfriend. Even these seem just innocent enough to look over.

Example: He called his wife and as his desk is right behind me I heard the conversation. It was not tense as I could tell, but not lovey either. As he hung up we had one of those passing short convos while typing away at our tasks "There, see, we can talk. We're not supposed to be talking right now, but we just managed.' I believe I said something about "It happens, my boyfriend tries to break up with me once a month," as I was trying to show my understanding and relate ability to struggles in a relationship. He went on to ask shouldnt the first few years of a marriage be smooth, which he managed to say in a light 'its not a big deal, we'll get over it' way. The merely 4 or 5 sentence convo ended with my comment about relationships being worth working for.

Or I made a comment about my roommate taking me out to dinner, and he asked playfully how my boyfriend felt about that, to which I quipped about my roomate being my female best friend. He sort of chuckled and finished with "I guess he would encourage it" Nothing I feel is riské or Human Resources worthy between two laid back adults.

So here recently, I had a very fuzzy dream wherein an affair felt to be taking place. I say felt because the details elude me, I don't remember where we were or what was supposed to be going on around us, but there were other persons in my dream whom I recognized from work and personal life. And he was there, and it would seem I would wander off on my own and he would be there, not as my boyfriend, not as my boss, but as a male showing his interest and affection for me. Nothing X rated but certainly some touching that was far more intimate than what really happens. After this dream, I've spiraled into an obsessive type state where now I find myself indulging in this attraction I didn't realize I have.

But now I look at him more, and he is handsome. I try to pay attention to if he is touchy-feely with other employees....he even seems more talkative with others, but my needy mind twists that detail into the idea that maybe he is experiencing this too, and there is a tension to not want to risk getting too familiar with one another. I don't think he'd be a sleaze and actively seek infidelity, so think he's trying to be responsible and keep a professional distance so as not to promote emotional infidelity which can lead to the physical.

I find myself wishing we could take joint lunches offsite and some sort of date would spawn from it. I respect and hope the best for his family, so I don't act differently (at least consciously) than I did when I really had no opinion of him. I'm just seeing where it goes.

The only thing is "seeing where it goes" is becoming less respectful of the family in that I realize I want a budding affair. Or at least I think I do. Go ahead and make accusations of being a terrible person, I'm struggling with understanding my wants as they so blatantly ignore the wants/needs/rights of the family and my boyfriend, I don't think anyone really wants that revelation of themselves. Of course wanting does not mean you must pursue. I know this. Many great theories on character have been built on denying desires. There's just the fairly vocal part of my brain which advocates indulgence within reason.

Like, I tend to get spine chills when I have a thought which seems to align with my life's path, such as choosing to go back to school, I get a chill, like I'm being told "Thats what you should be thinking" or having a breakthrough in how to perceive another life issue I get the same chill, and if I follow it I find myself being happier and more stable than when I dismiss it. While thinking of my boss and wondering "Does he like me? Is he ever so subtly flirting with me?" I got the same chill.

I'm so torn right now. I'm so high on the new-relationship jitters, which I think draws me in even more. But I want to do well and be a good human being, and know there is a lot of negativity I would be haphazardly bestowing upon others if I knowingly allow this fantasy to materialize. Then again, what if life should be indulged in and an affair is a part of my life's journey which may bring spontaneity and desire and passion and ego boosts into the chapters. A new book by a controversial sociologist even recently suggested an affair may be HEATHY for a lasting marriage.

Maybe he's just friendly and I'm reading things all wrong because I have an active sexual appetite and almost everything is resorted to sex and sexuality when it comes to me.



*Please provide some insight on the topic of my current situation*:

- I have a crush on my boss who is married, while I myself am in a relationship as well.
-It seems to have started with an "Ah ha" sort of sexy dream that revealed my attraction to him.
-I'm fairly sure he is not interested. Even if he is, it would be reasonably in better judgement to get over this and not risk his family, our job or my relationship.
-If I am to follow that line of thinking, that this is in bad judgment to follow through, I would appreciate any tips on getting this situation out of my obsessive mind.
-Alternatively, I'm starting to view life as a whirlwind of unique experiences and when I follow such an instinct, I am finding myself more likely to achieve than when I simply say "This is the way its supposed to be" so....maybe I should per sue?

Thank you for the brain sex I hope to soon receive via your thoughts and input on the subject

[Sunlight]

Hello Rhythm.

There are two main points I would suggest to you.

Firstly, you said it, it is not an issue between you and your boss, it is an issue between you, your boyfriend, your boss' wife (and child? children? are you sure he hasn't any? are you sure his wife isn't pregnant?), and your boss, and your boss' and your boss' wifes' families (parents, brothers, sisters). Affairs are Big Deals and make Hugely Painful Messes. For Years and Years.

In your dream/fantasy state it is easy to gloss over the group of lives involved in an affair. If you begin on that track, you should expect to be destroying a marriage. "...even recently suggested an affair may be HEALTHY for a lasting marriage" - are you kidding me? You are kidding yourself at least.

If their relationship is cool now, how much warmth do you honestly (stop playing naive waif) think your boss will put into it to build a life-long relationship with his wife while you and he are screwing around? You are a big girl now, not a little kid. You know he is married. He chose that, most definitely.

Secondly - if you have an affair with your boss you will not keep it a secret from everyone at work. You might mean to, but you won't. When people think you are even stealing flirty glances with your boss the rumors will start, and you will have a reputation for "screwing your way" up the corporate ladder.

Whatever you have earned, or do earn by skill or effort will be thrown aside because people who hear the rumors (and probably almost everyone will hear) will say to each other that you got the raise or promotion or take longer lunches (even if you don't) because you're willing to "work on your knees" to get it. They'll say a lot worse, but you get the picture.

---------------

Two months ago in my girlfriends' office (which used to be friendly and laid back) it was discovered that the male boss was having a relationship with one of the women in the department. Since then, she has quit her job of 8 years (they were given the choice of which, the boss or the woman, should quit). After she quit (the other women liked her personally) 5 of the 6 remaining women in the department have quit (including my girlfriend) rather than work for that guy (whom they earlier had gotten along with). Also, the boss is now beginning a fairly loud, and looking to be quite ugly divorce from his wife and their 2 children.

I don't have any good advice on what you could do to stop this train of thought, or re-direct your energy. However you proceed, be very clear and honest with yourself about what you are doing.

And welcome to adult-hood, where good decisions are only noted within our own hearts to remind ourselves that we have made good choices. Nobody passes out ribbons, darn it....

[IndiReloaded]

Married men flirting with other women are needy troublemakers. Really, you don't need the drama. Also, as someone else said, it will taint your work accomplishments.

The *only* reason you would want to pursue this is if you were certain he was your 'soulmate' (no such, but you get my point). Now, consider that he is married, your boss, and the likelihood he will get a divorce for you. See where I'm going with this? Even if, by some cosmically small chance, he really did care for you (he doesn't, how could he? you hardly know each other, but follow the cold logic anyway): is this the way you would really want to start a relationship? By encouraging someone else's husband to cheat? Remember: if he'll do it to her, then he'll do it to you.

Carry on if you need more drama in your life and you enjoy being shredded. Or instead, you can be smart. Ignore him except professionally, stop thinking about him in any way other than as your boss (yes, you can do this) and enjoy what promises to be the start of a brilliant career. Men are NOT worth sacrificing your success or integrity. No man who IS worth it, would ever ask you to.

Think about it.

[cheekxs]

I think you really took your time to right this down did you?
i think you most have some kind of mentaly issues to the way you relativize the whole thing and your weird dream.

Some how i understand some thing you are saying.

But i think he touching you is inappropate behavior. if he does is unconseus or not.
You should have tell him to stop immidiatly.

And maybe cause he touched you , (maybe also with wrong intentions) he start getting certain feelings(maybe horny feelings).

I think you need to stop dreaming and make storys up. its start getting sick already.

You have more to loose then to win.

-job
-selfrespect
-other view toward you
-problem getting a new job cause of this
-breaking other peoples MARRIAGE
-cheating on you bf

And it can also be, that he can fock you , sweet talk you, do everything with you and at the end you will be fired
and he will be promoted! That is how hard things can go, especially if you mess around at your job and with
other peoples bf/husband!

I think you may have a crush on him but you are taking it to far by imagining all of that crazy stuff all day long.
You need to get busy in your free time, and avoid your mind to think about him.

and ask for them to put you at another department (where you dont have to around him.


Dont let it get worse. You have more to lose then to win. The truth is you have noting to win.
You are replaceable as a employee. and he probably also. but they may just give him cause of his position and stuff just a warning.

[cheekxs]

And he can also fock you and use you, and then dump you. and you
can still keep your job, but have a hell of a time by that.

and also with your colleagues!

so you will fired yourself automatically.