Not attracted to my spouse - help please!

[Rob776]

I have been living with my girlfriend for 11 years. We are both early 40's and have no kids.

I am not at all attracted to her sexually, and i am trying to figure out what to do.

Apart from sex, our personalities are compatible and we complement each other well. We have a good complicity. We are cute together. We get along well and have fun together, even to this day. We have had some issues in the past because of the way we view things (her: more emotional; me: more rational). This has sometimes gotten in the way of communication and decision-making. We have however consulted and progressed on this and i do not think it still represents a major issue in our couple.

When we first met she was she was extremely beautiful, but she was not 100% the type that i am usually attracted to. Even though i did not feel the same level of physical chemistry that i may have felt with some other women, i was still attracted to her.

When we started dating we were in a long distance relationship, as i had been stationed in another state for work. The sex was satisfing when we could see each other. For the first few months of living together, the sex was satisfying, and we had sex about twice per week. After that and for the first 6 years the sex was less frequent (about 3x per month), but was still satisfying. We had some issues with communication which we consulted about and it was resolved. About 5 years ago she was having a decrease in libido due to health issues that she had had, and turned me down more often for sex. For the past 3-4 years, i have not felt sexually attracted to her. During that time we have had sex about 3 times per year, and it was not out of actual attraction, at least on my end. In other words i felt like we had to do it just so that our sex life is not zero, so i forced myself to do it. The more time passes, the less i enjoy the rare sex i have with her. Instead, i am feeling very sexually attracted to other women.

I like to experiment with sex and i am open to trying different things, including being a bit rough and kinky sometimes. She is more conventional. She likes romantic smooth sex and she is uncomfortable outside of that zone.

We went to sex therapy together. We worked on trying to understand what the other one likes and trying to find a middle ground. We tried to spice things up with ideas such as vacation getaways, romance, using lingerie, accessories, etc... All things that were within her range of comfort. The success was limited. I am still not attracted to her. I know i have to focus on things that i find attractive on her instead of focusing on more negative aspects. I have tried that. The problem is that i do not find anything sexually attractive about her. I also tried to focus on the things i generally like about her as a spouse, but it did not get me sexually aroused. I tried to remember the early days of our relationship but it did not get me sexually aroused either.

She exercises moderately and still looks good compared to most women her age, but her body has aged over time. I understand it is not her fault. I try not to focus on the extra pounds and the wrinkles, but i cannot help that i no longer find her sexually attractive.

She does not complain about the sex, and she does not bring it up if i don't. As long as we still have some cuddling and kissing and these few episodes of sex she is happy with it. If i wanted to have sex more often she would be willing to as long as we find the right times during the week, but if not she is fine with it too. She says that she loves me a lot and seems very emotionally attached to me.

When she tells me she loves me i respond that i do too, but honestly i am uncomforatble when she says it lately. The truth i do not know whether the way i feel about her is "romantic love". I find romantic love is hard to define and identify. I do enjoy her presence. I find her cute. I would not want bad things to happen to her. But as i said, i am not sexually attracted to her. I do not feel butterflies with her, but i know that is normal after 11 years. If i am not with her, i do not think i really miss her. If she were to disappear from my life, i think it would probably have the same emotional effect on me as if i lost a friend, but not more. It all sounds pretty sad the way i say this, but maybe this is just because the way i am (not very emotional), and maybe it has nothing to do with her. In other words, maybe i would feel like this with any woman after 11 years? Also, maybe the lack of sexual attraction impacts negatively the love feeling, or maybe it is the other way around.

I woud like to stay with her because we have good compatibility outside of the bedroom. She generally has a lot of the qualities i look for in a woman. I know from experience that a woman with all these qualities is hard to find. Despite the sex, i find she is a good catch, and i am afraid that if i leave and start a relationship with another woman, the same thing may happen over the years and i may be in the same position or worse than i am now. I know it sounds more like a business decision than emotion, but i have to be honest and say what i really think.

We have pretty much exhausted all avenues in trying to have sex together. I now have little hope that it could work between us sexually.

I know i would be capable of seeing another woman on a regular basis just for sex and not fall for her. That is just my personality. I have tried to raise the option of an open relationship for both members of the couple, but she is not willing to go for that. She would be too jealous. Sometimes i think i should just get a mistress or see prostitutes for sex, but i do not want to hurt my girlfriend if she were to find out, not to mention the other problems it might bring. Perhaps i am being ovely cautious. Perhaps i should just do like a lot of people, which is to cheat, be careful about not getting caught, and then if i do get caught make a big scene and say that i'm really sorry, etc. Maybe i am being too honest and by the book about this?

I know it will devastate my girfiend if i leave her. I find that sex is a strange reason for leaving someone with whom you are otherwise compatible, and with whom you have built a life history. There has got to be another way.

Perhaps plastic surgery to make her look like a twenty-something again might help? I know i am being shallow, but i am sorry i have no control over what does or does no turn me on...

Thank you for offering your advice.

[Cerby]

Rob, I like that you're honest. It sounds like the relationship has run its course, it might last a little longer if you had an affair to burn out your sex drive for a bit, but it won't solve your long term problem.

It might be the mid-life crisis, that realization that you're nearing the outer limits of age for men that can still date women in their 20's. I don't condone cheating, but if you could convince your gf to allow you to play with an escort to play out the fantasies she won't until you decide what you want, you might get over this and still be happy with your gf.

I really don't know, I can't imagine staying in a relationship with no sexual attraction...

[smackie9]

Guys will tend to say "I'm not physically attracted to her anymore", but in reality is that you are not emotionally connected anymore. Like Cerby said, your relationship has run it's course. Usually the reason is that you both had failed to grow and evolve together, bringing in new interests, activities, trying new things, and also having a life to call your own outside the relationship. Those things (next to compatibility)are what keeps a relationship fresh and sparks new interest in each other....it's not what goes on in the bedroom....that is a symptom of boredom, the relationship running aground. Her "fixing" her appearance will not make any difference....this issue is more than skin deep.

11 years and no step to marriage means you are not with "the one". You have been too afraid to face the reality that this relationship is in limbo and should have ended years ago. It's time to be honest with yourself and with her.....it's time to part ways.

[vashti]

I believe this is common in long-term relationships, and I believe you would experience the same eventual lack of interest were you to pursue another partner.

[Boisdevie]

Healthy sex life = part of healthy relationship
Poor/non existent sex life = poor/non existant relationship

If you're not happy with your sex life and it's not going to change then it's OK to end it. And it's not being shallow, especially if you've worked hard to fix things but it just hasn't worked. And I disagree with Vashti on this one.

[haxan]

If you 'devastated her' and left, would it bother you if another man, who brings a lot to the table, found your ex very attractive, they connected and had intensely intimate, physical, passionate sex together?

If it wouldn't, I'd move on from the marriage. If it would, then the issue is more with you than her.

[Boisdevie]

If you 'devastated her' and left, would it bother you if another man, who brings a lot to the table, found your ex very attractive, they connected and had intensely intimate, physical, passionate sex together?

If it wouldn't, I'd move on from the marriage. If it would, then the issue is more with you than her.

It's irrelevant. I have exes, some of whom might be having better sex with someone else than with me. But I don't care. Clouding this issue with 'what ifs' is not helpful.

[haxan]

It's irrelevant.

How so? If it wouldn't bother him, then he's exhausted his opportunities and energies to make it work. If it would, then he needs to put more energy into making it work.

[dem862]

This sounds like you have sexual anorexia. You can have sex without intimacy, but you can't have sex with someone you are intimate with. And you are probably masturbating too much. I don't think your girlfriend is the problem.

[iamaninnocentma]

Healthy sex life = part of healthy relationship
Poor/non existent sex life = poor/non existant relationship

If you're not happy with your sex life and it's not going to change then it's OK to end it. And it's not being shallow, especially if you've worked hard to fix things but it just hasn't worked. And I disagree with Vashti on this one.

If i ever see you disagreeing with vashti again, ill hunt you down and stick a frogs leg in your ass. ****ing surrender monkey. If it wasnt for her country you would be speaking german, instead of that poofy ooh lala pish.

[vashti]

Hahah!

Boisdevie, I agree that sex is an important part of a relationship, but I don't know how long your longest relationship was, so it's hard to really understand your point of view. What I do know is that there are a limited number of ways to have sex, and therefore the newness WILL eventually wear off. Also, it is a lot harder to find someone who is compatible outside the bedroom than it is to find someone who is compatible in bed, so maybe it's a bit short-sighted to abandon someone without exploring every possible option.

For the record, I was a lot more sympathetic to the original poster until he mentioned the idea of his girlfriend undergoing plastic surgery so she could look 20 again, after saying she looks good for her age. Do you really think someone with this mindset can ever sustain a long-term relationship? Everyone grows old. (Even him.)

[HeartIsAching]

I have a question for the OP:

Do you watch porn?

[Boisdevie]

If i ever see you disagreeing with vashti again, ill hunt you down and stick a frogs leg in your ass.

Have you seen how small frogs legs are? I doubt I'd even notice.