help please:(

[liselotte]

Need help to understand what is going on

Hey. My ex broke up with me last week. We had been together for over a year but our relationship had always been difficult as we're from different countrys and there was always hard to find ways for us to stay together. We met travellin in Australia. We were together there for a year n lived together aswell as we were travelling. But five months ago he had to go back to uk n i stayed in Australia. We did the long distance thing until now. I went to see him about a month ago and we were great. So great that we decided that we're gonna move in together in the uk after i leave Oz. After that everything just went downhill. He just started to doubt in everything and wasnt sure he was ready for it. He just seemed to want to be single again just to hang out with his mates and not to be responsible for anything. That was the reason why we broke up that he doesent know is he ready for it atm and he doesnt want to settle down yet. Since we broke up we've still been in contact. We talk few times a week on pnd he said he misses me. He was also the one who didnt want me to cut off the contact as he didnt want me to just dissapear from his life. I think that everything just got too real for him and he just freaked out. My opinion is that he got scared and it was too much pressure for him that i was gonna move to uk for him. But since we broke up he confuses me. He hasnt changed his relationship status in fb. It stills says in a relationship with me. But he keep putting statuses in fb that hurt me. He keeps posting that he's goin out and just posting stupid things like 5 am in the morning drunk. He has spent a lot of time with his mates getting drunk since we broke up. I just really want you guys to give me advice. Should i try and get him back? I love him and want to be with him but im not sure what to think of it all. Do you thinks there is a chance? And why do u think he keeps acing like that? Maybe im being paronoid but it feels to me sometimes that he just want to get some kind of reaction out of me. Cause he never used to post things on fb like that. I thought that maybe he just needs some time to clear his head and think things through cause i know he still cares about me but i also know that there is no other way for us to really be together than me moving to uk. So it just seems hopeless and im not sure should i keep hoping that we will work things out in the end.

[ciaraos]

My situation is very similar to yours and I know all about the confusion, pain and mixed messages. He could be having a freak out on the commitment side. When you live together it will be different from seeing each other every so often. A lot of men are scared by this. It's not uncommon. Take a step back. Breathe. Look after yourself as much as you can. Give yourself space. There could be things going on he hasn't told you. Is it like him to go out and get drunk like that? I mean, before this? Booze affects people for days mentally and they are not even aware of it. I wouldn't try and get him back. If he really does love you and gets over this panic he should make the effort to win you back. 100%!! You need to look after yourself right now. Don't dwell on the messages or FB. Get with friends and maybe even think about what you would do if you were not going to be moving to the UK. Or just try some new things. It's really hard to think straight when you are in this much pain. Best thing is to try and remove yourself from the source of pain as much as you can. Which is him. As time goes on things will be more manageable and you will be stronger. So everyone tells me. (o:

[liselotte]

Thank you for your replay!
We have lived together before when he was still in aus but it was different as we were travelling and didnt have our friends and family around that is also what didnt make that feel so real and final then i guess.
But being in australia away from my family and friends is what makes it really hard for me to cope with the break-up. He has been my best friend and my family since i've been here and its really hard not to have him anymore.
Yeah, he's always liked to have a drink with his mates but just after the break-up it seems that he is really taking it to another level. And i dont know if he is really confused and trying to keep his minf off things or if he really is taking the most of being single again.
Do you think i shoud stop being in contact with him for a while even though he doesent want me to? So that ye could really clear his head and realize does he really misses me or not?

[smackie9]

Go no contact. That will slap the reality that if he can't bring himself to commit, he is going to lose you forever.

[liselotte]

Yeah, i havent been in contact with him since friday. But thats not unusual really. We only talk couple of times a week anyway and werent suppose to talk before tuesday. It is really hard but its gonna get a lot harder when tuesday comes.
Im very confused about this nc thing really. Cause when we were still together our talks were really tense and there were obviously things bothering him but since we broke up when we talk its friendly and nice. He keeps bringing up good things from the past a lot also. But at the same time i feel that if i keep being there for him he's not gonna have a chance to actually miss me. And as he didnt want to commit it ptobably suits him- having me there when he wants it but still be able to do whatever he wants any other time. Dont exactly lose me but dont have to commit either. Am i right or not at all?

[smackie9]

Ya it's called a one sided relationship....you are there for him and he is not there for you. Sorry but it's time to stop this.....cut him off.

[Ange Barnes]

Travel romances can be real and lasting, however it sounds like this guy got back to his reality in the UK and now has mixed emotions. He may really care for you but it is a huge commitment to have someone move country to be with you. (I am Australian living in Asia to be with my partner... I don't want to be here forever and there needs to be compromise). My partner and I are very open with our feelings, so it is important to communicate what page you are on. As the old adage goes - 'if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't it never was...' The 'carry-on' with his mates, drinking, fb comments etc are signs of his confusion... perhaps he is not ready at the moment so give him time and space to sort out where he is at. In the meantime, focus on your own purpose and well-being. I would be inclined to pull back.

[liselotte]

Well its not that he's not here for me. Whenever i have text him or called he always answerd straight away. But yeah you're right that it is not what i want. I want him to want to be with me or i need to move on. He needs to think what he wants.
And Ange you are absolutley right about him getting back to reality. He has done a complete opposite of what he said he wants to do when he first went back. He said he is gonna sort his life out and focus on his future but he has done nothing. Instead he lives like a teenager again with absolutley no responsibilities. Just hanging out with his friends and being stupid. I understood it at first cause he had been away from home for 2 years so its ok to want to catch up with your friends and family. But now it is the only thing he is doing. And i really do think he just doesent want to change the comfortable way he lives atm. And the only way for me to maybe make him realize does he really want to lose me is to cut him off. But what do u think i should do when he isntrying to contact me or when would be the right time for me to contact him again?

[ciaraos]

He does sound confused. As I said, I'm having a similar situation. I agree with both Smackie9 and Ange. You need to not contact him. If you are really desperate to contact him back. And I mean back, not start the contact. Turn it on him. Tell him you are taking time out. He's getting you to hang on in there while he is going though whatever it is. One of my male best friends gave me the male view of why men do this and it is not as straightforward as most think. However it is down to issues with commitment, grass could be greener nonsense. Maybe it's too 'real' for him now or maybe he thinks he wont be able to have his own life to a degree anymore. Either way, it is doing you harm and you are the most important person in your life and you need to remember that. Totally understand on the best friend thing. My boyfriend was one of my closest friends before we got intimate. Honestly feel I've lost a I've lost a limb but I can still get around.(o; Honestly though, ease back on the contact. Not only will it make him show his true colours, it will give you the headspace you need right now. Just even if you can manage a few days just for yourself. Not him. Even a few days will make a big difference.

[liselotte]

Yeah i do feel that i cant be in contact with him atm. And its not really that we've been in contact a lot since we broke up. Its been few phone calls and only when he wanted me to call. I dont text him or call him every day. Its only been like two times a week. And when we talk i never say anything about wanting him back, i've never begged or called him drunk or anything really. If anything i'vebeen really calm and act like im fine without him. But i do realize that it has to stop aswell. At least for now. It just hurts me too much even if i dont show it to him. And i dont want to, i want him to think im doing good without him and thatbim moving on and i want one day it actually to be like that aswell. I really have to start thinki g about what i want to do but its really hard as im completely alone and have no one to help me cope woth it. Sometimes i just feel li,e i should just go home but i dont want to end up regretting leaving australia before i have to
Just havi g a really hard day today. Im not thinking of contacting him or anything, dont even want that. Just feel really sad and lonely.

[smackie9]

You are broken up, he is off having fun. The reality is that he knows he is not ready to settle down and let it lead into marriage, he just doesn't know when he should admit to it to you and himself. The guy has no balls to just let you go properly. Go home, be with your family for support.

[Ange Barnes]

If he isn't bothered to contact you then I am not sure why you would bother contacting him. (Not advocating to play games, but a relationship is not a one-sided affair). Let him 'see' you getting on with your life. Retain your integrity, as it sounds like his is dwindling.