Intimacy With A Friend

[bsacamano69]

My friend and I recently admitted to one another that we are in love with each other. We’ve tried dating twice in the past, but it didn’t work out. I never really knew why, I just assumed she didn’t really like me and was just giving it a shot for the hell of it. But she recently told me that she has serious intimacy issues. The other day she told me she’s been really wanting to kiss me, but she just can’t bring herself to do it, and I can’t make the first move either because then she’ll feel uncomfortable.

We’ve talked about it, and as far as we know there’s no identifiable cause for it, she just can’t show affection. We do hangout, but we talk on the phone way more often than we actually see each other. So she told me that if we hangout more often she’ll probably get comfortable enough to the point where she’ll want things to escalate. She wants it, but at the same time she finds things like kissing and holding hands as being really ‘corny’. I guess my question is: Is there hope for the two of us? I don’t want to push her or force anything on her, so I’m trying to be patient, but at the same time I feel like the more time goes by the less likely it is for anything to happen between us simply because her feelings for me have fluctuated before; going from 'we're just friends' to 'I want to be your girlfriend'.

I don’t want to change her, I just want to help her overcome her fear of intimacy… Is there any way I can do that? I want her to get comfortable with me at her own pace- no pressure, but I also don’t want to be ‘on hold’ forever. And I know that this sounds like I’m just thinking about what I want, but I actually do care about her and her wants, and if nothing ends up happening between us I am still more than willing to just be her friend without expecting anything more. Any advice would be helpful here.

[smackie9]

If she has to work at "getting comfortable" to kiss you then she isn't with the right person.

[searock]

Has she ever kissed anyone else before? How old are you two?

[bsacamano69]

Has she ever kissed anyone else before? How old are you two?

I'm 22 and she's 21. She's had one serious relationship before and she told me that her and her ex-boyfriend went through the same thing. She was intimate with him but it took forever for it to happen. It's like a mental block; even if she wants to be close with someone it's still really difficult for her. I'm not trying to make her seem like some mental case, I'm just saying it takes a lot for her to be comfortable enough to be that close with someone.

[Ely North]

This may sound immoral, and many people may not like it, but I'm going to say it anyway. Get her drunk. REALLY drunk. And then just see what happens. If she's able to kiss you at that point, then she might be worth waiting for. If she's totally hammered and she still can't bring herself to kiss you, then you should just settle for being friends, because it's never going to happen.

[bsacamano69]

This may sound immoral, and many people may not like it, but I'm going to say it anyway. Get her drunk. REALLY drunk. And then just see what happens. If she's able to kiss you at that point, then she might be worth waiting for. If she's totally hammered and she still can't bring herself to kiss you, then you should just settle for being friends, because it's never going to happen.

Yeahhh, that's something I'm not gonna do.

[workingman78]

Time to just take a plunge...

[JB9]

We’ve talked about it, and as far as we know there’s no identifiable cause for it, she just can’t show affection.

There is a reason someone would have a fear of intimacy, has she ever been to a therapist for this issue? The two of you talking about it isn't going to get to the root of the cause, you can't be objective. If I were you(and I'm not), I would be a friend, just like you are now and suggest therapy to her.

[TheCafeTerrace]

Two magic words my friend: Erotic monopoly.

Google the rules, but tailor it for your own tastes and pace. It'll get round the self-conscious corniness of being intimate, because it's inherently corny and un-spontaneous anyway. Plus it starts very slowly, as monopoly does (for example, give a compliment for landing on old kent road, then a peck on the cheek for landing on a blue with no houses, all the way to Mayfair). You both have a long time to relax into it and slightly manipulate the situation in the form of the game (trading properties becomes a proxy for certain types of intimacy). It'll also give her something to think about other than being in an intimate situation, because it's really just a by-product of the game. If you want to take it really slow it doesn't even have to involve any actual sex. Have a bottle of wine with it too.

It's kinda like when young lads play spin the bottle with the girls they fancied. In my younger days I remember no one ever kissed anyone unless they already wanted to in the first place, some would say that defeats the point of the game, but I think that's actually the entire point of the game - take the pressure off actually initiating a kiss and make it fun and it suddenly becomes easier to do.

[Boisdevie]

If she can't even bring herself to kiss you then she has some big big problems. I hope you're really really patient. Me, I'd get bored and find somebody else a bit more normal.

[TheCafeTerrace]

Yeah, and me - sometimes I get a little bored if they don't want to try bondage and stuff, let alone hesitating to kiss. Sometimes you can't help who you fall for though.