how do i get over the man i'm in love with?

[jo allen]

i am in my early 20s and i got involved with a 40-yo 3 months ago. he is very good looking and i am very attracted to him, physically and on other levels. he is a player, cheater, and liar. everyone that knows about my relationship asks me to end it but i am so attached to him that it has been really really difficult to make a decision at this point.

he still talks to girls he had been with and cheated on me with one of them (that i know of). we have a lot of mutual friends and i know that he still approaches other girls, girls that we both know.

i have never liked anyone this much prior to meeting him. i think he cares about me. he took really good care of me when i was sick. but all my friends say that i am in denial. am i really just one of the targets and he is slowly phrasing out of it by chatting up with other girls?

i think that i see things fairly clearly, i have been pondering about ending this only a few weeks after we got together. but it took me 2 months to finally make the decision, after some things are taken care of. how, how am i going to get over him? i am in so much pain and it drives me crazy that the first and last thing on my mind is him. again, we have a lot of mutual friends, we are in the same social circle. another thing is that our relationship had never been out in the open so most people in the circle don't know about it. it's one of the reasons i keep hearing and seeing him, and it's just been excruciating.

i am not a very open person, meaning that i don't talk things aloud with him for the most part. i don't know how to bring things up with him. my friends are so tired of this now that i get shut out every time i bring up the topic again. how and when will i get the closure that i need?

[diablo robotico]

I know it'll be difficult with you guys sharing a lot of the same friends, but you need to get as close to no contact as possible. If you know he's gonna be somewhere, don't go there. Take it one day at a time. But try your hardest to not see or hear from him. And don't under any circumstances initiate the contact yourself.

Also, whenever you think of him, try to think of something else. Forcibly change the subject in your mind. Think about anything else but him. It's gonna happen where he creeps in, so you have to recognize that and force yourself to think of something else.

Finally, you should try to meet other people. The best way to get over someone is to meet someone else. I'm not talking about a full-on relationship or anything like that, but just someone else who you can hang out with and have good times with. You'll soon see that there are more guys out there than this philanderer.

[jo allen]

thank you, diablo. it is so unfair. so for group outings, as long as he'll be there I can't go? i was hoping to stay friends with him, that's stupid right? is it possible to reach a point that i really see him as a good friend (with benefits)? or is it a very very bad idea?

[diablo robotico]

thank you, diablo. it is so unfair. so for group outings, as long as he'll be there I can't go? i was hoping to stay friends with him, that's stupid right? is it possible to reach a point that i really see him as a good friend (with benefits)? or is it a very very bad idea?

IMO, good friends with bennies is a bad idea. That's just me though. Others will disagree. But inevitably someone will get burned later on. In your instance, I'd say it's a really bad idea because you've fallen in love with him once, it would be easy to fall in love again. You have to look at it almost like alchoholism.

But I think eventually you can become friends with him again at some point. You have to get beyond the pain and hurt and want, though. And to do that, the best way is no contact. Again, this is just me, but from my experience if you keep seeing him and interacting with him, the feelings won't go away, or at least it's super hard to make them go away. You have to have a will of iron or something. Yes, it's unfair. Yes it really sucks. But in the long run, it'll be easier on you.

I would also suggest, if you're with your friends, don't talk about him or mention him. Not only because they are irritated to hear it all the time, but also because what if they know something about him? You don't want to know. It's better just not to know.

[Chlorine]

JoAllen----"another thing is that our relationship had never been out in the open so most people in the circle don't know about it."

Is there a reason why your relationship is not in the open? If there's something to hide, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

You mentioned he was a player. That's the worst because it's all about mind games. You can choose to hang on, or just quit the game. That also means quiting the same social circle for awhile. At least until you get over him. Take care.

[misombra]

don't hang around with this guy. you say he's a player. he cheats. he lies. does that mean nothing? you don't want that. it may seem really appealing but it's really nothing but pain and embarassment that can be avoided by simply avoiding him. read a book, get some exercise, do something else. remember this... not all that glitters is gold.

[jo allen]

"not all that glitters is gold."

thank you all for the posts and support, they give me so much hope and certainly the courage to keep going and leaving him.

to chlorine, it was never a healthy/normal relationship to start with. he didn't want our mutual friends to know. i think part of the reason is that he wants people (girls i guess) to think that he is still single and available. i don't know why i could have fallen for someone like him, not that i didn't know or that he didn't tell me. my friends say that i am too young and inexperienced, i just hope that i don't make this kind of mistake again.

[Chlorine]

JoAllen---"i just hope that i don't make this kind of mistake again."

Mistakes, everyone makes them. Plus the world is full of jerks. When I read your post it reminded me of a similar experience. This type of guy deserves to have his head bashed in with a baseball bat.