How do I end an undefined relationship?

[stooges]

There's a guy I've been sort of, kind of seeing the past maybe 2 months. Basically we're just friends, but occasional (frequent-ish?) more-than-friends things will happen. Kissing, etc. And more sometimes. I like him, he's a super great guy, and I definitely enjoy his friendship a lot. But there's never been those "holy crap what a CONNECTION!" feelings with him. It's just been nice, as we're both single and have no (i think?) intentions of having a relationship. I didn't, anyway, and I'm fairly certain with what I know about him that he's in the same boat.

But I don't know because we've never once talked about what we are. Which I didn't really mind, but...

The other night I met this other AMAZING guy. It was like, bam, instant connection. Like, holy-crap-I-didn't-know-these-feelings-were-even-POSSIBLE kinda connection. He lives kinda far away, he was just visiting and then he went home the morning after we met. But we've been keeping in touch (like, texting all day every day, phone calls, etc). Because of the distance and how recently we met, we're obviously not trying to get into a relationship right now or anything. But we talk about visiting each other, and I know I'm hoping for something to come of it, and he is too, because I have never felt this way about someone before. He says the same: It's like the butterflies you haven't felt since high school, the perfect, flowing conversation you never thought you could have. That kind of stuff. I could go on and on. I don't even believe in this kind of immediate love. But if it exists... this is it. It's like, surreal.

So, I'm obviously not wanting to continue things with the other guy now, because it seems both kind of wrong, and also pointless because now I know it's not going to turn into anything. I see now what a wonderful connection you can have with someone, and I don't have that with him.

But I don't know what to say to him about it, especially considering we've never once acknowledged in words that we are more than friends. But we ARE friends, and I can't just avoid him forever, and I don't want to. But I know if we ever hung out one-on-one again, he'd probably keep acting in the vaguely-more-than-friends way way always have, and I dunno how to indicate that whatever unspoken "thing" we've had should end. It's not like a break up because most of our relationship is just friendly anyway (we don't say romantic things to each other or anything). So I don't know how to word it? I don't even know what he feels for me; I recently mentioned our "thing" to mutual friends and apparently he's never even mentioned it to them.

Should I tell him the truth, that I met someone else I feel more of a connection with? (awkwardly enough, I think he might know the guy). Or would it be nicer to just be kinda vague, and say (truthfully) that I don't see us going anywhere as romantic partners and I'm not interested in having the "casual fling" be part of our friendship anymore? How should I bring this up?

[Maple1714]

Have you being having sex with this "friend"? I am assuming you have...which is an unspoken way of communicating you are not "just friends". Tell him the truth. Do not avoid him and do not try to give him the brush off. You don't have to tell him you met someone else, but just tell him you don't really feel a strong connection with him. I know it's hard to be up-front with people sometimes, b/c you don't want to hurt them, but it really does hurt more I think to ignore and brush people off. Then they just feel totally non-important.

[cheekxs]

I think you are acting weird and make you life harder.

Cause of the way you deal with yourself and others.

How can you let "things happen" between you and someone you dont know whats going on between you 2??

And now you barely know someone and you already jump over?


Weird tho. Are you desperate? I think you just tell the other one that you dont have feelings like that
for him and dont date no one.
Work on your self esteem first and what you really want in a relationship.

[Maple1714]

Cheekxs - are you asexual?

[smackie9]

Just tell him you met someone you are interested in seeing. There quick and simple. Not too sure if your friendship will continue, but this has to do with your happiness, not his.

[Wakeup]

Well first off you need to take a step back from this new guy because you don't have anything with him yet. The only thing you have with him is some conversation and the fact the he's made you realize that this "friend" that you do sexual things with means nothing to you and that you are confused abouto how to conduct yourself around men in general.

Afterall: Screwing friends and not knowing what you mean to one another is backwards. Falling for someone you just met who is long distance and thinking, already, that you have this awesome romantic connection, already is you being confused and jumping the gun.

As for your "friend" who you fool around with. Simply tell him that you are stopping the fooling around part of your relationship because you are feeling uncomfortable with the ambiguity of the whole situation and you are much happier when you are simple non-sexual friends. You don't have to tell him any more than that.

... Then, stop jumping from one undefined thing into another. You have no idea if this new guy is going to be able to see you often, whether or not he has a girlfriend where he lives or if he is even into you in a romantic sense. You're young, why not figure out the logistics first, figure out what you want and stop jumping in just because you can. I'm sure there are plenty of boys in your own area without settling for the first dude who shows you attention that lives far far away. Long distance relationships are never fun and can steal your joy if you jump in without knowing who your jumping with. Go slow.

[cheekxs]

Cheekxs - are you asexual?

ask your mother

[Ely North]

Just tell him that you met someone else. He might be bummed out that you two won't be doing "more than friends stuff" anymore, but he'll get over it.

[stooges]

First off, guys: me and that friend have never had sex. I said kissing "and stuff", I suppose, but it really hasn't gone that far. And our relationship is not based on that at all, it's based on actual friendship. I do not think I will lose him as a friend regardless.

Also, to everyone saying I'm desperate because I'm jumping into things with the new guy: maybe I should clarify. 1) we're not trying to date right now, we realize distance is hard and it may not work out and 2) I was not looking for anything the night I met him. I've been staying away from relationships for a while (hence why I never tried to define my "thing" with the other guy. I honestly didn't mind). I was actually trying to distance myself from the new guy at first because I found him attractive but didn't want to get into anything, but he was too easy to talk to, things just fell into place. I'm not just going for it because I can. I honestly just feel like it would be stupid not to keep in touch when you have so much in common with someone and they feel the same. Looking back, I did sound really really wishy-washy up there, kind of in a stupid way. I probably should have toned it down, it made me look like a nutter hahah. I don't actually think it's love, of course that stuff takes time to develop. But there is a connection that we both agree is there. Anyway what happens with him is kind of irrelevant to the question...

But thanks for the advice, I should probably just say I wanna cut off whatever more-than-friends stuff we have and leave it at that.

[smackie9]

I have a feeling your "friend" thinks it's more than friendship....he's gonna be heartbroken.

[SheffieldLad]

I have a feeling your "friend" thinks it's more than friendship....he's gonna be heartbroken.

I get that feeling too.

[stooges]

Hm. I'm not sure.

He has a lot of close female friends and he treats me exactly like he does any of them. He's never said anything romantic to me. He's never told any of his friends about us. Times we've made out, held hands, whatever, I was usually the one instigating. He's rarely made an effort to hang out specifically alone with me, and some of the times that we have ended up doing so, he's kept it strictly friendly. He went on vacation recently and didn't text me once all week. Judging from his current situation and mindset, I don't think he's looking for a relationship. And I didn't mind any of these things because I wasn't looking for anything either. I just enjoyed his company and I guess felt a bit more for him than just friends, so I enjoyed the whole thing we had just the way it was. He mainly just acts like a friend to me... I guess it's hard to describe. He's a unique and free-spirited person whose values friendship highly.

But I suppose him liking me more than I realize isn't totally out of the question. It's just... given the background, just from what I've seen, I don't have much to go off of. Do you think a guy would act like this if he really did like me enough to get heartbroken?

I really do wonder how my "friend-zoning" will affect him. I honestly can't tell if he'll be bummed or not mind at all.

[Wakeup]

Do you think a guy would act like this if he really did like me enough to get heartbroken?

NO! A guy who wanted to be with you in a greater capacity then eff-buddy would not act this way. He would have been pursuing you so that there was no doubt.

Stop fooling around with your "friend(s)" and find a boy who is new to you and your group. It takes a little more courage to get with men who you haven't formed a comfortable friend-like bond with so hike up your gurl panties and move out of your comfort zone. DO NOT jump head first into this new guy... you're taking the easy way out yet again by moving too fast into something that isn't even close distance enough to for that proper and real bond I'm talking about. You keep it up and you'll think you're in love because you're doing it backwards again and basing your feelings on few chat sessions and nothing substatial. Loving real-time actions are what you need to base your feelings on, not words on a screen.

Be more descerning and logical at first.

I really do wonder how my "friend-zoning" will affect him. I honestly can't tell if he'll be bummed or not mind at all.

Please, he won't even care. I'm not sure why anyone would think he would with the way you discribed your "relationship." I think he was just taking what you were willing to give and wasn't pushing you for more than you were willing to share.

[stooges]

Thanks for the advice. Again, he's not an eff buddy. But I agree that he won't be heartbroken. He isn't however a selfish sex-driven kinda guy like that paragraph I wrote might make him appear to be. He's mainly just shy about these things. But no one here has met him so I guess there's no way to convince you of that.

And I'm honestly not trying to find someone and be "comfortable". Pursuing someone long-distance is actually way out of my comfort zone. It costs money and time and explanations to friends and family to go visit someone far away they probably don't even know. But it's worth it, because like you said, you need those real-time actions to develop something real. Nothing to lose, really, and though I totally agree with you that love takes emotional bonding beyond conversation, I think you can still realize that potential is there through talking. How else would you even get to the point of love? You have to know you're interested first.

Despite how loopy and silly I sounded when I talked about him before, I'm not actually seeing the world that way. It was new and I was giddy, but in reality I'm taking this slow. I realize this could EASILY not work out. Just, considering how well we get along, I feel it would be kind of cowardly not to try and feel this out. It's a big risk, I could wind up extremely disappointed. But there's enough unignorable potential for something great that it's worth the risk. This isn't one-sided, by the way. He tells me the same things. I'm not jumping for this just because he was the first guy to be legitimately into me and now I get to hide behind a screen and pretend the world is dandy. If I was that desperate, I'd have entered into a mundane, unhappy relationship ages ago. I'm jumping for this because I already have better conversations with him than I have with anybody else I know, and of course that's not a reason to be in love, but it's certainly a reason to be curious.

I'm not saying I'm gonna go run out and visit him tomorrow, or him visit me or whatever, because it's too early for even that. But... yeah. I just feel like I must keep expressing myself wrong on here or something. But anyway, I do appreciate you all taking the time to reply.

[sadie_genie]

Don't fret about it. Your relations with your "friend" is just casual. You don't own him a detailed explanation. Just don't kiss him or touch him. If he makes a physical move on you, say you are not interested.