Not ready for a relationship???

[hope555]

My ex-bf and I had a really intense 2 hour conversation yesterday, and I'm still a little confused over it. I don't understand how his mind is thinking. He said when he asked me out he liked me a LOT! But apparently I used to keep telling him that he was not my type, and that this wouldn't last because we work together and he is 3 years younger than me. He found himself still caring a lot for me, but liking me a little less than when we first started dating. His reason for breaking up (and he has explained this to me a few times over and over again), is that he is not ready for a relationship. This was his first real relatioinship at 23, and he just started his phd. He said it stresses him out being in a relationship, and right now he just wants some of his own time to think about himself, mature, and do really well in school. He seems to want to work ALL the time. And his only break is when he goes to the gym.

We never had any fights until this sudden breakup. He used to care for me a LOT, and now I feel like he has lost all romantic feelings for me. He keeps telling me he still likes me, over and over again..and that it frustrates him everytime I don't believe that.

Can someone really be not ready for the commitment of a relationship at 23? Did I make him feel insecure in the relationship? I feel like I screwed things up big time, and now I feel so sad without him. I told him that clearly I liked him a LOT, otherwise the breakup wouldn't be this tough...and he said he can't go back into something he doesn't want to, which is a relationship. He told me that holding on like this is not healthy...it keeps opening up old wounds, and we should both move on. I am having sooo much trouble moving on. I really liked him. He wants to be best friends and gets very upset if I am ever mad at him as friend.

As a guy, what would you suggest I do about this situation? We work together, so no contact is not really an option. What is he thinking? Did he just stop liking me? Or can someone not be ready? Is there any hope left??

[cheekxs]

If you dont feel it and see it and trust it, shore you need to say NO!

he may have his own idea why he tells you that.

But it doesn't have to be yours.

If its a ex, let it stay in the past. worry about your future.

[Cerby]

Sounds like a simple change of heart. It happens in relationships, especially after the initial lust starts wearing off. As for seeing each other where you work, the old saying "Don't shit where you eat" comes to mind. So that is your bed and a lesson to be learned for sure.

I think he realized that you weren't right for him, and that is about as simple of an explanation as I can see. In this case, you do nothing, if he comes back, great, and if not, you're moving on.

[hope555]

We were best friends for two years before he asked me out. This wasn't just lust...we both knew each others personalities..which is why I thought we knew what we were getting into. I didn't change in the relationship. So why the change of heart?? Maybe because I told him things like, "I never pictured dating someone like you, but with enough time, I can fall for anyone" (he said he didn't like hearing this) or "I don't see how this will last long term because of our age difference and because we work together". I once joked and told him that I was clearly the better one in the relationship... in retrospect, I never realized that these one or two sentence stick with a person. Even if I did a million things to show him I liked him, these are powerful things to say to someone that may affect them. He thought I never even liked him when he first asked me out.

He still tells me he likes me, but he can't have a relationship right now. Is it advisable to go back to being friends...just like we were for 2 years before we dated? That is what he wants to do. Maybe then he will miss me again and feel those strong feelings he initially felt for me??

[Cerby]

You're just telling yourself sweet nothings so you can retain hope. If you still have feelings for someone, you cannot be real friends. You're being his friend hoping his feelings will change. This form of self torture is awful, and you're over-analyzing and still viewing this from an emotional standpoint.

Hope, its over. It doesn't matter what you said while you were together, you were being you and you shouldn't have to censor yourself in a relationship. He realized SOMETHING, we don't know what it was, but whatever the case, the relationship ended because he didn't see it continuing. This is the simple reality. Move on, get over it, because staying friends with him will only allow you to be introduced to the person he dates next, and your heart will break all over again.

[hope555]

Yea, you are right Cerby. It makes a lot of sense. It is just so sad when a good thing just ends in the blink of an eye. If only i knew what that "something" was that he realized, I could work on it with him. He said he didn't see us continuing because I used to keep telling him that this not long term when we initially started dating. Now I am the one sufferring.

[hope555]

If you broke up wth someone, and they made you have a 2 hour discussion about it because they were sad even 2 months after the breakup, would you be frustrated with the person and not think of them as highly anymore?? I just feel SUCH a cold vibe from my ex ever since we had this talk...like he has lost ALL feelings for me...feelings that I know he still had just 2 weeks ago because we talked about it. I didn't say anything to needy...I was crying a little bit, and I said that I can be happy without him, but I am much more happy being with him, and that I liked him a lot, and feel blindsighted by his sudden decision.

How do I fix getting this distant vibe from him? Is the best way just to ignore him for now, or talk about this vibe I am getting ?? I wanted to end ths relationship on a good note, because we broke up when we both still liked each other...so there was hope for us in the future. But now I feel like because I screwed up and acted needy, so I feel like he hates me! I just want to end it on a really positive note...and then I can move on... What do guys see as a positive note???

[IndiReloaded]

You're still wriggling on the hook, Hope. You can't 'fix' *his* distant vibe. He's distant b/c you broke up. What he does is irrelevant to you. Just do your own thing and be happy. Ignore him except professionally.

He humoured (and probably felt sorry) you for that 2 hours, yes. Generally, people don't go to their ex for comfort when the breakup happens. That's what family and friends are for.

[dreamer_piscean]

I know you are asking for a male advise, but I really hope to give you a little bit of suggestion :
I can see you really love him and you are going through a very hard time, perhaps you should resign from your current work place and stop contacting him anymore, for the sake of your own good. There is no "ending with good note" because you still have strong feelings for him, while he has already changed his heart. I suggest you should have a short vacation with your frens, or family, or do something that made you happy and just stop thinking about him. Time will heal. You might never know you will meet another guy during your vacation? I have been through situation like this before, because I work at the same place with my ex, I am not able to move on for 2 years ! It's an awfully long time, so I really hope you can make it, just stop thinking of getting back to him, move on. All the best to you.