New beginning, of sorts.

[Damien]

Hi all!
Ok, so background first.

Going back to when I was 16, I met a girl who I immediately was attracted to (she is really beautiful). Fortunately for me, she sat beside me in class and from then we became the best of friends. She would talk sometimes of other guys she likes and so I thought I just landed myself in the friend zone here. My feelings for her never went away, in fact the more we grew closer, the more I felt like I loved her. One night, about a year after we met, she attempted suicide. I rushed to her place as soon as I found out and tried to get her to talk to me. After hours of telling her that she can trust me and that I am her best friend and I am here to help, she finally told me about her uncle abusing her. She spent hours crying in my arms and at that moment I felt like all I wanted to do was shield and protect her. I helped her through the situation, with her family. Despite all this I never told er how I felt, I was always scared that I would lose her as a friend if I did. One day, on the last day of our classes, I was over at her place. We were laying down on her bedroom floor, listening to music and she turns to me, and kisses me lightly on the corner of my lips and says I love you. I said what? She says I love you love you and gives me the cutest smile. And so well, thats how it happened. She had the balls to start a relationship with me, which I was so grateful for.

Anyway, so she becomes my girlfriend, I was 17 then, she was 19. I was just so happy to have a girlfriend and , yes, I thought too high of myself and didnt give her as much attention as she deserved. I was like a kid who craved a toy, and once I got it, almost completely forgot that I had it. She put in her all to call me, meet me and I didnt try as hard. We then decided to go to Uni together in London and she already had permission to go because her brothers were going there. However my father was dead set on not sending me away. I fought to the death (figuratively) for him to let me go. And yes, I fought so much because I wanted to be with her.

I was 18 then when we arrived in London to study. And even then, I wasn't the best boyfriend. I did make breakfast in bed occasionally and take her out but our main problems were always that I never put her first. And I will admit, I didn't. And this seems to have last till a few months ago, when I finally realized my stupidity. and i only realized because she said she wanted to break up with me. I thought she would never leave me, I thought so highly of myself. Everytime I screwed up,, I asked for another chance and she gave it to me, and I screw up again. I am 22 now, we've been together for 4 years now and she no longer wants to give me any more chances. I understand her, It's not fair that I feel for her the way she felt for me 4 years ago. IT isn't fair to her. But I love her, and I hate what I have done to her. I wanted to be her knight and I ended up destroying her more. Somehow, she gave me one more chance and said that if i screw up once, thats it. no more.

Anyway, we are back in our home country and I am having a lot of problems with my parents (who I always put first). I was doing fine till yesterday. We planned to meet yesterday and since her parents were out of the city, I would stay over at her place. But my dad made a big fuss and dramatic scene and my mom forced me to come back home and I did. I left her again, home alone and I feel horrible. She texted me last night and said that it was over. And so, this morning I came to her place, against everything my parents said, The first time I stood up to them for her. Today is my birthday and I didnt care what my parents wanted to do, I just went over to her place in the morning. Her brother let me in and I went into her room and found her asleep. I just jumped in with her and held her in my arms and even asleep, she just pushed herself more into me to feel more of me. Eventually she woke up, looked at me and asked am i dreaming? I said no, then she slapped me real hard and made me yelp. She then says, yep, you're hurt, I'm not dreaming. She was happy and so was I. We hung out in bed all morning and yes ended up making love. After that, in my arms she looks at me and tells me that she's confused. She doesnt want to be with me anymore because I have made so much mistakes that I cannot possibly make up for it all. But she still loves me. She says that when we're good, we are really good but when I mess up, she remembers everything I've done wrong and she gets really hurt again. She says she's scared of getting hurt by me again , and I understand her completely. It isn't fair, but right now, finally mature, I love her. I would give up anything for her. She tells me that, she cant bear the thought of hurting me and so she cant leave me. So she says that ok there is one thing we can do, we be friends again and I can try and ask her out and make her my girlfriend again , if she sees that I am worth it now and wont hurt her that way again. But if she finds someone else in the mean time then, I cant stop her. And that is more than I can ask for.

Now is the hard part. I need to make this work. She was the one that made the move last time and now I have to and I dont know how. I have ideas but I'm scared that I might mess up and lose her. I am trying to work out my parents situation as well because my dad hates her and hates me meeting her so its not wasy as I am still living with him. I am job hunting so I can move out but till then I have no independence and I need to make her feel that I can be everything she wants (i.e Christian Grey minus the money of course, if you guys know what I'm talking about). She wants the passion, the obsession, and i feel all those things. Should I take this slow? or should I dive in? I need her to be crazy about me till I move out and get some independence, because then we wont have these issues. I just need some advice on how to try this kind of relationships. We have so much history, I messed up so much. She has been nothing but loving and considerate. I just want to make her feel the same way she made me feel.

Sorry for the long post. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks guys!

[TheCafeTerrace]

OK, well first I'm hoping that the Christian Grey character that you think you need to be is only in the kinky sex kind of way, and not in the psychological traumatised kind of way. I occasionally dabble in BDSM circles and frankly those books have been a nightmare for the general perception of WIIWD, they've reinforced some pretty ugly stereotypes. It's ok to want to protect her, but if you define yourself that way then when she no longer needs protecting you'll lose what it was that bound you together (figuratively speaking). Dependence isn't healthy in a relationship, and perhaps the reason you lost interest in her when she became your girlfriend is because you no longer felt like you were the knight who could ride in to save her. Have a read of this: http://www.loveforum.net/threads/26633-Description-of-the-Shining-Knight-Syndrome

It sounds like over the last couple of years she has grown wiser and no longer needs you to protect her. This is a much better foundation for a relationship since it will outlast any 'damsel in distress' situation. The only way to make this work is to show her how much you love her - think about what it is that makes you think of her as so loving and considerate then try to emulate that. Tell her what she means to you, and invest your time and soul into the relationship. Take it at whatever pace she feels comfortable with. Passion is important, but obsession less so - love isn't about obsessing over someone, it's about valuing them more than you do your own life.

[Damien]

Yes, not in the sense of psychological trauma, but more, he really wanted her and so did whatever to get her kind of way. Anyway, she was always more mature than me, I think she got tired of waiting for me to grow up. I will try whatever I can to show her I love her. She tells me things like, she wants to feel special or feel like my number one. And I do value her more than I do anything, and as immatured as this may sound, my parents are making this a million times more difficult! My father hates her for some unknown reason and my mother just listen to what he says, regardless of wrong or right. I have been fighting much more with them lately because I think its absurd some of the things my dad says. I really just need to get a job and try to move out. Thank you for the advice TheCafeTerrace!

[TheCafeTerrace]

Have you thought that perhaps your father wants you to find someone else because he thinks you might get very hurt being with this girl - about 10% of people who attempt suicide eventually do kill themselves. I can speak from experience when I say that the death of a girlfriend is a tough thing to handle, no parent would want to witness their son going through that. I'm not saying that I think this is at all likely with your girl, from what you say she seems to have matured a hell of a lot since the failed suicide (which may well have been a cry for help rather than a genuine attempt, I don't know), but your dad might still have this at the back of his mind.

[Damien]

No, sometimes I do think that it may have been a cry for help. Regardless, it has never happened again. Well, this may sound disgusting but when I was younger, around 15-16, I had a lot of friends who were girls, and when they would come over to hang out, my dad flirts with them. He flirts with any pretty girl/woman. He has cheated on my mom several times, the latest with a girl 3 years older than me. Most of my friends, for some twisted reason, get a bit smitten by him , and think he's attractive. Some flirt back, some who dont like it ignore him. When my current gf first came over, he did his usual thing and she felt very uncomfortable and asked me if there was any way I could ask him to stop. I talked to him, told her she didnt like it and after that he never seemed to have a liking to her. He always liked another girl I used to date, who flirted heavily with him and so I stopped seeing her. It could be that. But I don't really know, he seems to despise her whole family. Her dad and mine had some sort of working history years before we met that didnt end well. It might be that too. But whatever the reason, her family has been nothing but supportive to me, even helped me when I came short in cash and so I am grateful to them. So is my mother but she cant ever seem to step up against my dad. She will try once and if it doesnt work, she doesnt try again. I am talking to her now and I really just want to go over and see her, but my mom doesnt let me go just because I want to hang out with her. I have to have a reason, like, because her dad will help me find work, or I need to pick up some things. I want to be able to just go and meet her to hang out, watch movies. But my mom is so worried about Dad. I keep saying I will deal with him. Even after going against them and meeting her yesterday, he didnt do anything to me. he's just not talking. It's not that big of a deal. We didnt used to talk anyway. I'm just hoping I can fix this problem cuz once thats over, I won't have these issues with my gf any more.