Relationship Dilemma

[GirlOne]

Here's my dilemma. Let me know what you think about it.

I have been messaging a guy who is a friend of a friend every day for 3 months. He lives a long distance. One month into our flirty messaging, he said he really wanted me to come and visit him. We have a mind connection as well as sexual attraction. I told him it would be 6 months before I could visit. This for several reasons: first it gives me time to save up the travel costs and second, to allow me to lose some weight and third to take some time off work. The photo on my profile was when I was slimmer as my weight goes up and down. We continue to message to each other every day. Because I don't like to play games, I am honest with my feelings and probably about from a month onwards our feelings got deeper and we both said we love each other, although that could have been something we both said in the heat of the moment as in the beginning I didn't really take him seriously as he was the one who started messaging me first. I message him every day I would say 2-3 times a day saying he's wonderful, funny etc (this is true) he messages back short messages with kisses etc. My messages to him are highly flattering to him (it's genuine, I can't help myself, there's a lot of chemistry)

I'm wondering how long this can go on for as naturally I'm quite an intense person, although I'm also very laid back - I'm not really looking for a relationship and I get a lot of men chasing me offline. I particularly like this guy. In reality, I don't think I can visit him until next June and I'm quite happy writing these daily chats to him.

The other thing is that at the moment he is getting random sex from a friend with benefits he doesn't particularly like, I'm quite happy with this arrangement as he doesn't particularly like her although the girl likes him more than he likes her. They've known each other for years. I don't want to visit him like before next June as I have study and work commitments and I need to save the money up and lose some weight.

Do you think he'll get bored with this? My messages to him at some point will start to get repetitive - just how many times can you compliment a guy? lol From the beginning he knew I wouldn't be able to visit for 6 months, but now it looks like 10 months. It doesn't bother me he has sex with this other girl because we have a long distance relationship and also I need to be slim before I sleep with him.

So we're having virtual sex ... how long can this go on before he gets bored with the fact I'm not prepared to see him for real for 9 months?

Any advice gratefully received! Thanks :-)

[roofius]

well first of all - pleaaase you got to be honest to him regarding your looks and weight - this will all be a bigger problem the longer the lie goes on, so for both of you - send him a honest pic to start with . if hes a cute and friendly dude he will like you even more for beeing honest. personally i would get mad if i fell in love with someone that shows upp skinny on a pic and got a lot more weight on the first date.

[Cerby]

This is a common online dating problem that I have seen and dealt with personally. Someone puts up a picture that is like 5 years old, and the best picture they have, and then don't speak the truth about what they actually look like. You mentioned you have to lose weight twice in your post, so even you know the image he has of you is a lie.

I'm going to be honest about this, because I've seen this and know how much of a deal breaker it is. If he meets you and you're not the person in the picture he has seen, he will not be interested. Send him a recent picture and tell him that you're working on yourself, but this is who you are now. Even if you don't plan on meeting for 9 months, he will have an image of who you actually are and you can send updated pics as you progress. You say there is sexual attraction, but there isn't as long as you continue to put forward a false image of yourself.

Here is one of my many experiences - I met a girl on PoF, we chatted, talked over the phone, she sent me a pile of pictures of herself. None of these pictures we any more recent than 3 years where she was relatively slim, they were all of her playing sports, my kind of girl. I meet her for coffee, and this woman who is AT LEAST 50lbs heavier (on a 5'2" frame) shows up, we chat nicely for a bit, and I tell her I'm not interested in any further pursuit. She freaks out saying that I was only attracted to her because of the body in the pictures (which was partially true because it was the image I had) and that I was superficial and an asshole. She lied, and expected I wouldn't call her on it. I did, it went bad, I never saw or spoke to her again. IF SHE WAS HONEST in the beginning, I might have been into it, she had a very pretty face and was probably dateable, but I couldn't see past the BS she tried to put over me.

After you give him the full truth, then you can work on finding a way to meet in a few months. If he is interested, 9-months is a ways off, but keep sending messages and keep his mind on you. There are no guarantees he won't find someone in that time, so all you can do is be as present in his life as possible.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

This whole thing sounds really dumb, but if you're deadset on pursuing it, and it sounds like you are, then take Cerby's advice.

[Maple1714]

The whole online dating thing is weird to me...I know a lot of people do it and it works for them...but can't you just meet someone at the store, through friends, at the bar, a concert, work??? Then all this long distance and image crap is out the window. You can tell if someone is lying about stuff a lot quicker in person than over the internet. I am not judging, I understand that people gotta do what works for them and what they are comfortable with.

Why don't you skype with this guy? Then you can both see each other in real time. You can even have cyber sex maybe?

[Cerby]

Skype is a good idea. Remember Maple, online dating and an internet relationship are different things. I date online, but when I contact someone I plan to meet them within the week for coffee or something similar. It allows me to find single people looking for a relationship. If you do it right, it is actually quite fun. I don't mind doing the person to person approach, but why shop in person when I can go online and view the catalog?

What OP is doing is a little bit silly, but she wants to do it, so whatever works.

[VincenzoG91]

Yeah, online dating works fine if you:

1. Date locally.
2. Meet up as soon as possible.

[GirlOne]

Hi there everyone, thanks for all your replies.

Firstly I would never get mad if a guy pointed out I was bigger than I was. I agree with your point that woman tricked you. I wonder why she didn't lose the weight? I find it easy to lose weight. I know I need to lose the weight, so before I even arrange to meet up with him, I will be back to my skinny self. I have a pretty face. My profile picture actually is not the best of me lol (I know 99% of women have the best they can, but mine is a regular photo of me out having fun with my friends), so once I turn up I will look better than my profile picture.

The history of the relationship is this: he contacted me first and very quickly we were sending each other slutty messages and having virtual sex. I didn't take it too seriously. Then because somehow we were messaging each other every day for 3 months I started to think this relationship could have some substance to it.

Quite early on he suggested Skype, but I backed out of it (at the time my computer was broken, but once it was fixed, I never said my Skype was working again. This guy has not suggested Skype again.

I guess I think it's quite fair - he is having casual sex with someone now (he told me about) and he's free to meet other women if he chooses (I told him this). I'm not stopping him meeting someone else.

Yep, I need to save up the money and get my exams out the way and in the meantime lose the weight. I'm not really chasing a relationship with anyone.

[Boisdevie]

I chatted with someone online and we seemed to get along so we met up. It was a 50 mile return journey for me so it cost very little.

You've been chatting with someone online but you're thinking of a far far more expensive journey. Is it worth potentially wasting all that money. Unless you live on another planet I imagine there are people living in your town/city that you might also get on with.

Cyber sex? What bullshit. I prefer the real thing, it's somehow more 'real'.

[GirlOne]

Cyber sex seems like foreplay ... of course I plan to have real sex, but for now, it seems different. Maybe I crave a bit of variety? (who doesn't?)

[klouieybanez]

just love yourself! if she really love you she will accept you!

[Boisdevie]

Cyber sex seems like foreplay

Cyber sex is presumably wanking off whilst on the phone/cam. And not at all like foreplay. Foreplay is what happens beFORE you have sex. I shall be having sex tonight because I shall see my GF tonight and not in six months time. Because she lives 40 minutes away so I don't have to worry about saving up for some stupidly expensive trip to see somebody I"ve never even met. Get the message?

DATE SOMEONE WHO LIVES LOCAL TO YOU. UNLESS YOU'RE SCARED OF REAL LIFE RELATIONSHIPS

[VincenzoG91]

Cyber sex is presumably wanking off whilst on the phone/cam. And not at all like foreplay. Foreplay is what happens beFORE you have sex. I shall be having sex tonight because I shall see my GF tonight and not in six months time. Because she lives 40 minutes away so I don't have to worry about saving up for some stupidly expensive trip to see somebody I"ve never even met. Get the message?

DATE SOMEONE WHO LIVES LOCAL TO YOU. UNLESS YOU'RE SCARED OF REAL LIFE RELATIONSHIPS

It isn't enough for me to just thank Boisdevie, I need to quote him on this. Date locally or not at all. It would be understandable to have a long-distance relationship if you were already in a relationship and then one of you had to move away for a limited time period. But there is no adequate reason to pretend that you have a relationship with somebody you have never met who lives far away. That's hiding from reality.

[Maple1714]

Seems the OP might not have the confidence to date in real life yet. OP - love who you are, weight and all! Meet someone who lives in the same town and don't try to create this long off fantasy with some dude who is actively seeing other women.

[Wakeup]

You are a walking contradiction:
First you say (in photos) that you're thin when you're not.
Then you say you don't play games when your lie is clearly a game
Then you say you are "laid back" but admit to being an intense person
Then you say you get "a lot of men chasing you offline" but you choose to be in some fantasy bullshit with a guy that could care less if you arrive for a one-on-one or not because he has lots of other options and is currently screwing one of them.

Whats up with you? Why are'nt you pursuing one of those "lots of men" you have right there at your finger tips? What are you afraid of that you NEED to cling to cyber sexing some dufus who knows by now that you're not like your photo and is just playing with you and wants you to spend the money to go get laid for real?????