Just ended a relationship so it could start

[rubytuesday]

I separated from my husband in January this year, like all divorces it was traumatic. I started going out with a friend nearly right after my break up. He was in a bad marriage and we started seeing each other. At first, I was reluctant as even though he doesn't share a room with his wife and that relationship is all but a shell for their son, technically he is still married and you know with all the emotions and hurt that goes with that. Even though he hardly speaks to his wife I felt and still feel guilt, not exactly nice thinking you could be hurting someone else. But the heart wants what it wants and I've been in a relationship with him since January. I was especially vulnerable after my divorce.

We are very well suited and everything is more than good. He is always always calling and contacting me, very caring and almost insanely attentive. However despite his wife literally asking him to leave, several times so she too can move on with her life. He never does. She first asked him to leave 4 months ago. At first he said he has to sort paperwork in his home office, then it was because of his son who had some problems in school and now he says he must thread carefully due to finances, legal issues etc that are connected with a divorce. I feel awful, like I'm stuck in the middle of his divorce. I don't understand how he could be so 'in love' with me with constant talk of the future and how much he wants to be with me on one hand and on the other he won't leave, as in physically leave his wife even though his situation at home is dreadful. I guess we all deal with things our own way and change is a very scary thing.

Last weekend I told him I'll be here when he sorts his life out, in the meantime it's fine talking on the phone and emailing but I will not meet him till he's actually 'available' not living with his wife. He was devastated.

I just feel I'm an 'escape' as long as he can sneak away for a weekend with me and have my company in person and online all day, then it's easier to block out the shambles and sadness he goes back to at home. I'm so fatigued, also because of my own divorce. That I know if this sneaking around goes on for any longer it will damage any future we could have forever. What I can't get across in these words is he is a wonderful man and we are so suited but I think being in the middle of someone's relationship and child as it ends is a little too heartbreaking to handle.

I feel extreme guilt as I know he's hurting badly but despite several similar conversations for months that this whole sneaking around thing doesn't work for me and that we should wait, I feel he's always had blinkers on, convincing himself that it was ok for me as he couldn't stand us not being together. We all have our insecurities, I actually dislike myself now, never have before, so not a good feeling.

haha seems like I know what to do, but making this post for reassurance I guess. And hoping I don't cave. As always, once thoughts are put down in words it always seems so obvious what needs to be done but silly heart has a mind of it's own So um have I done the right thing or ditched a good man right when he needs me most?

thanks for listening.

[vashti]

Quite honestly, I don't think you've gone far enough. You should not be engaging in any sort of personal relationship with a man who still lives with his wife. This includes email, text, phone calls, etc.

[Boisdevie]

The only thing stopping him moving out was himself. You did the right thing.

[IndiReloaded]

This is why people should never get involved with a divorcing person. Wait until the paper is signed and the dust settles. Sorry, I understand you were also vulnerable, but there are too many stories like yours to know its just not a good idea. Also, its not the most respectful way to start a new relationship. Remember: they end the way they start.

[rubytuesday]

thanks all. Yeah its crazy! : ) I have no idea why he'd stay on, maybe for the kid, maybe change is scary, who knows. It's a long drawn out process and really doesn't matter if someone has separated 'in their heads', I've always felt if you still live with your ex you haven't really come to terms with you know logic amongst other things.

He seems to think he needs to sort absolutely everything before he moves out but I know first hand you can't sort anything not even bank accounts or tedious logistics if you still live together, as the change of environment is what brings change, chaos just breathes more chaos. Well when my heart is not talking crap to my head that's what I think hahahahha. I'd be open to having a relationship with him once he sorts his life out but not now and maybe it's too late anyway. A bit of a shame, wish I did things differently.