Boyfriend's long term ex is dying of cancer, feeling sad & awkward

[JB9]

As the topic states, my boyfriend's long term ex g/f (together 20 yrs. off and on), is dying of cancer. She had breast cancer that was treated towards the end of their relationship but now it is back and is in her lungs and bones. I feel terribly sad for her, as I know her (not all that well, but well enough) and no one deserves this(it happens, I understand that). My awkwardness in this situation is that I do not know how to support him during this, if I can support him and/or if he needs my support. He just found out yesterday when his ex g/f's daughter(not his) left him a message crying.

When he told me, his tone did not change from the previous topic(threw me off a bit), he isn't sure what to do if anything. He asked me if I was coming over to his house, I said no, you need to process this and I am not going to be a distraction and that I felt he needed some space. He said he wasn't going to dwell on this, that he feel's bad and doesn't wish death on anyone including her. That it will take time to process. My only suggestion to him was to atleast acknowledge his ex's daughter's call with either a return call or text and that I can't be a guide during this.

Dealt with many things in my life, not this. I'm not feeling insecure as I know he loves me...I'm really not sure what I feel other then awkard and I cannot seem to grasp why. Anyone have some insight?

[vashti]

It sounds like he played a major role in her daughter's life, or else why would she call him crying? 20 years is a long time, how old is this daughter? If she's a kid, I would encourage you to support your B/F in remaining connected to the girl. It would be cruel to distance himself now, and she's going to need someone strong to lean on.

If the daughter is an adult, you might have him ask how he might be of assistance. I think 20 years is too much time to have been connected to a person to just walk away.

[JB9]

It sounds like he played a major role in her daughter's life, or else why would she call him crying? 20 years is a long time, how old is this daughter? If she's a kid, I would encourage you to support your B/F in remaining connected to the girl. It would be cruel to distance himself now, and she's going to need someone strong to lean on.

If the daughter is an adult, you might have him ask how he might be of assistance. I think 20 years is too much time to have been connected to a person to just walk away.

She is 25-26 years old and they never had a good relationship. They are not close at all and never have been.

[JB9]

Also, the daughter while the mother was going through Chemotherapy for the breast cancer, gave her ciggs. They smoked pot together, the daughter ended up using heroine. Stealing, lying...just being an ass. The whole relationship between all was very dysfunctional and toxic. I can understand his apprehension to get involved with this. Lastly, his ex is now married to the daughter's father and living out of state, and no, the daughter does not live with them.

[Wakeup]

Also, the daughter while the mother was going through Chemotherapy for the breast cancer, gave her ciggs. They smoked pot together, the daughter ended up using heroine. Stealing, lying...just being an ass. The whole relationship between all was very dysfunctional and toxic. I can understand his apprehension to get involved with this. Lastly, his ex is now married to the daughter's father and living out of state, and no, the daughter does not live with them.

Your dilemma seems to be that: "You don't know how to support him during this." I have to ask why you think he needs support? He didn't seem to be too upset with the news as you state that he just kept the same tone of voice from the previous topic and almost told you as an afterthought. Correct me if I'm wrong there.

The daughter seems to be just letting him know the situ. Did she actually come out and ask him for his help? He said he's not going to dwell on it so I suggest you don't either. It sounds like he just isnt sure what to say to convey his condolences. Perhaps you could help him with that and then it can be put on the shelf if and until she succumbs and he can decide then what He needs to do?

[JB9]

Your dilemma seems to be that: "You don't know how to support him during this." I have to ask why you think he needs support? He didn't seem to be too upset with the news as you state that he just kept the same tone of voice from the previous topic and almost told you as an afterthought. Correct me if I'm wrong there.

The daughter seems to be just letting him know the situ. Did she actually come out and ask him for his help? He said he's not going to dwell on it so I suggest you don't either. It sounds like he just isnt sure what to say to convey his condolences. Perhaps you could help him with that and then it can be put on the shelf if and until she succumbs and he can decide then what He needs to do?

Wakeup- Yes, you are correct, it seemed like an afterthought or just a statement of the facts. The daughter did not ask for help, just left him a message while crying. He plainly stated he did not want me to be uncomfortable with his lack of reaction or actual reaction(confusing part). Why I feel he may need support? Well, I believe that it will impact him at some point in time. Twenty years with someone, albeit not the best of times for him as he has stated to me, there will always be a connection which is normal. I like your advise of putting on the shelf for now. Now, to put that in motion. Thank you!