Please help me to understand....sex question

[missm86]

Hi there. I was recently dating a guy for four months and we are both in our mid 20's. He was a friend of a friend and I heard that he could be quite shy, which was ok with me.
It was going well in the first couple of months and he was very keen to speak to me daily and see me a couple times a week. I moved into my first home and he would visit regularly, however did not want to go out and have fun, just sit and watch DVD's and cuddle up on the sofa! He also started staying the night (about 6-8 times in total over the period of a month). However, he did not actually initiate anything in bed! It must of happened twice in that time, and when it did, it was over within minutes. I felt like I could not initiate anything as he would say he wanted an early night and I feared he would reject me in my own bed. He apologised for his shortcomings when sex did occur, and said it was because he really liked me and was a bit nervious. This man is gorgeous and we got on well, so I said it didn't matter and would see how it panned out.
He then started backing off and wasn't so keen to speak to me as much so asked him about it. He said we were fine but he wanted to take it slow as he was wary of commitment, having been single for a few years. I said it was ok as I had been to - I do regret this now, as wish I had been more honest and asked him to make a decision then. But I wanted to give it a good shot so said we would see how things went.
He then went away on holiday for a week and text me whilst he was there, which was reassuring. He came home and visited me twice, and again I asked if he wanted to go out and do something, which he said no, he wanted to chill out. We got intimate, but it was very quick again and he said it was because it had been quite a while (didnt I know it!!) and I 'turned him on too much'. I didnt push it forward and he went home. I got a text that night apologising for it, again saying it was because it had been a while. He also said it was his problem, not mine and that it couldn't carry on like that. I again was patient and said we would see how it went.
I didnt really hear much over the next 10 days or so, just a few texts. So I asked if it was over, and he replied that he was sorry but it hadn't really worked and there wasn't any 'chemistry' between us. I told him that I had wanted to go out and have more fun and maybe it would have been different, however he replied saying he was being honest with me and couldn't help the way he felt.
He had always been quite affectionate and had even told his family and friends we were dating. He now won't come to collect his DVDs, despite me saying I will leave them in my porch for him. He wants a mutual friend to do it for him as he is being too lazy. I'm heartbroken that he is gone and he gave up, however do you think he bailed out on me because of the continued bedroom issues and just using the 'no chemistry' line to cover up his embarrassment? Or did he genuinelly feel nothing, despite still coming to see me and wanting to be intimate...but failing! I'm so confused and need insight from other men as to what they would do or say. Thanks.

[VincenzoG91]

You didn't do anything wrong. He has issues, especially shame about his performance problems.

[vashti]

I read a news story about LOTS of young men having sexual problems because they spent so much time watching porn and jacking off. Of course, they won't ever admit it, but I wouldn't be surprised if this is a problem for him.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2051902/Men-use-internet-porn-likely-hopeless-bedroom.html

This wasn't YOUR fault, and don't feel bad about it. You deserve to have a fulfilling sex life.

[Boisdevie]

Interesting article. Which gives sod all information. 'Lots' of young men is hardly correct becuase the article itself doesn't exactly say x percent of young men can't get it up because of porn. It's a shite piece of journalism.
I've been using porn since I was old enough to find my dads magazines and have jacked off a lot in my life. I have no problems in bed. Vashti, I simply do not agree with you.

Would you say the same about women becoming desensitised to real sex because they use vibrators?

[vashti]

Eh, you are right that it is (partially) anecdotal, and partially based on research, but you can't deny that even on this forum, porn contributes to a LOT of sexual dysfunction amongst young people looking for advice.

And yes, I DO think overuse of vibrators desensitizes women to a man's touch...

[Boisdevie]

but you can't deny that even on this forum, porn contributes to a LOT of sexual dysfunction amongst young people looking for advice.

But even if that's the case it proves nothing. The people here are a self selecting group, many with problems, that's why they come here. If everything was peachy they wouldn't bother would they? Bit like suggesting that a high percentage of people in hospital are ill or have had an accident?

[TheCafeTerrace]

Eh, you are right that it is (partially) anecdotal, and partially based on research,

You might not be familiar with the Daily Mail, but none of their "science" articles include anything so unimportant as facts. They're usually are about 5% anecdodal, 40% bollocks, 50% bigotry and 5% 'things which cause you cancer'... http://hellokinsella.posterous.com/the-daily-mail-list-of-things-that-give-you-c

[vashti]

Oh, you don't care for the source? Here's another:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201107/porn-induced-sexual-dysfunction-is-growing-problem

and another

http://www.ansa.it/web/notizie/rubriche/english/2011/02/24/visualizza_new.html_1583160579.html

and another

http://www.askmen.com/dating/love_tip_3800/3837_erectile-dysfunction-and-porn.html

[missm86]

Sorry, but this has nothing to do with my question anymore!

[Maple1714]

Sorry, but this has nothing to do with my question anymore!

He probably just has some sexual issues...maybe he was abused? Who knows...there is no sense in worrying about it or trying to figure out why he left. He is gone and you wouldn't have been happy with the crappy sex life after a while anyway.