Really thought I had something here. :(

[Indestructible]

Over the last 6-7 weeks, I came to the realization that I had developed feelings for a girl I know. More than that, I REALLY felt like she was interested in me, as well. The more I thought about it, the more I realized just how perfect we were for each other. In the amount of time I've known her (over a year), it never seemed like she did much, if any, dating, but I never paid that any mind, because I wasn't thinking of her like that at the time.

A few weeks ago, I worked up the courage to ask her out. She very genuinely told me she'd have to think about it, because she's had bad experiences dating coworkers. Then a few days ago, she got back to me on it; she seemed really impressed with me for being direct (she said not many guys do that), but her expression then changed to that of sadness and/ or reluctance, and she said that she's so focused on trying to finish up school right now, that she has to say no. I smiled, nodded, told her "It was worth a shot; can't blame me for trying, right?", and that was it.

So for the last couple of days, her rejection has really sunk in with me, and I just feel so bad about it. I mean, I have no ill will towards her, I just... I really felt it was a sure thing, and I feel like her and I are/ were so perfect for each other. Not, yanno, like literally "perfect", but the best possible match up that I could ever hope for. I had it pretty bad for her...

Thing is, I don't date (I'm 23, almost 24). I don't really "like" people in general, and I'd rather just be left to myself, but of course, deep down, I wish I had at least one or two close people in my life. I'm VERY selective about who I "let in", and this girl is the first person in a long time that I really wanted to "let in".

On one hand, it scares me to think about my future prospects. Because I don't like very many people, and because I'm very selective about who I open up to, I'm worried I won't find another girl any time soon, if ever. Certainly not one as "perfect" for me as this girl was. And even if by some chance I do, who's to say she won't also reject me?

Then there's the fact that this whole last period of 6-7 weeks has been so exciting. There were a lot of ups and downs, and it was a challenge for me to ask this girl out, I had a clear tangible goal that I felt I was working towards, and I was hoping this "adventure" would continue as we would date, and whatnot. But now, after 6-7 weeks, the "adventure" is over. I'm back to boring old day-to-day routine life. I feel so unsettled... I wanted the "adventure" to keep going on, but now it's just done and over with. My wheels are still spinning, but I'm no longer moving forward...

Part of me is hopeful that maybe we can revisit things when she finishes school next year, but I know I'm reaching, with that, and I know I can't live in delusion forever. But it just hurts so bad to even think that things will never go any further with me and her; like, when I think about her saying no, it literally makes me heart hurt.

Plus, she and I will continue seeing each other on a semi-frequent basis. I don't anticipate any awkwardness, because she and I are great together, and I think both of us handled the asking out and the rejection extremely well. Truth be told, I like her so much that I'd rather continue being "friends" with her than being nothing at all, but at the same time, I feel like it's going to continue being in the back of my mind, that I'm going to keep wondering and wishing, and driving myself crazy that I was wrong, and that she didn't see in me what I saw in her.

Anyway, sorry this got so-long winded. I just... I really wish I had someone to talk to about all of this, but I don't. I have to deal with my thoughts and feelings all on my own, and it's rough. I feel awful right now, and I don't even know how to make myself feel better, and how to start moving on.

[Boisdevie]

You need therapy.

[heather_1]

In all honesty, you just need to get over her on and move on!

[Indestructible]

I'm... sorry, I got so wound up about this whole thing. I know overall, the whole thing seems so silly for the average person to get so crazy and upset about, but eh, she was the first girl I've ever REALLY liked and wanted to be with for the right reasons, and I was positive there was something there, and that we'd go out and see what would come of it. It just hit me really hard, because this is all completely new to me, and it really seemed like something special.

For what it's worth, though, I'm doing okay now. I'm not constantly thinking about her now, nor am I feeling hurt and sad about her saying no. I still have some... lingering thoughts, and I still kinda sorta wonder if maybe things can be different for us in the future, but overall, I'm okay. In fact, I worked with her today (the first time I've seen her since she said no), and things seemed good. We were back to our nice little dynamic, talking and messing around with each other, and making each other laugh, and it was nice. I was worried things would be awkward, at least for a while, but thankfully, that's not the case.

Admittedly, I'm still a little bummed that this "adventure" is over, and that I'm back to my boring regular old unexciting life, but hopefully my next "adventure" will start sooner rather than later. I guess we'll see.

[Cerby]

Rejection sucks, it always does. What you're saying is something different. You talk about how you "don't date" and are "selective" and how this girl was "perfect" for you. You don't even know her, it takes time to get to truly know someone. You know the person she is in public, not the person she actually is.

You set this up on a pedestal that no girl is good enough for you, when in reality, you use it as a veil to avoid relationships altogether I gather. Rejection appears to affect you for days, or even weeks, so you'd just rather not. Here is a lifeprotip - unless you're Brad Pitt, you will probably have more rejections than people accepting your dates. I'd guess that in my lifetime I get maybe a 25% "accept" rate on people I've asked out. But the different is, when I'm single and looking, I ask a LOT of people out, I go for the quantity over quality at first, and if the woman turns out to be my type, then I'll pursue a relationship with her, if not, I keep dating until I find someone that fits my style.

And she was nice enough to let you down, but that was what she was doing, school, work, whatever, it will still an excuse not to date you, and that is how you need to take it. Now grow a pair, get out in the real world, and get used to rejection, because life is full of it. It one takes one perfect person to accept to change your life, you think life is just going to hand her over to you? You make your own happiness, now get out there and get to work!

[Indestructible]

You don't even know her, it takes time to get to truly know someone. You know the person she is in public, not the person she actually is.

No offense, but I disagree that I don't "know" her. Sure, I don't know everything about her, but we've gotten to know quite a bit about each other over the last year or so. Actually, she always seemed very interested in getting to know me better (which is one of the reasons I thought maybe she'd like to date me), and it wasn't until after that that I started reciprocating and trying to get to know her better. Most of the time when we talk, goof around, etc., it's one-on-one.

Anyway, I know rejection is a lot more likely than acceptance, but like I said, I'm overly "selective". I don't want to just ask out any and every girl I encounter. I don't know if I want to date a girl until I've gotten to know her at least a little, and in most cases, I only view a lot of girls I encounter as friends because I don't feel "compatible" with them. I have zero interest in doing "cold approaches". Not because I'm "scared", intimidated, or afraid of rejection, but because it just doesn't make sense to me to hit on/ ask out a girl I barely know or don't know at all.

It's rare for me to ever actually be attracted to a girl. I know what I "want", and most girls I encounter don't have "it". But, like I said, I'm out of my sad "funk" about it. I just really thought I had found something special here, but now my life is basically back to where it was before (albeit, I feel a little more "empowered" from being able to ask out a girl and handle everything with her pretty well). Truth be told, I haven't been "looking" for a girl in... well, for years now, for a lot of different reasons. This girl sort of "snuck up on me" and took me by surprise, and it was fun and exciting, and I wanted the "adventure" to continue, but now I'm sort of back to my "not looking" status.

[Paul_Anton]

@Indestructible
Hay, man. I went through exact thing. If you'd like to discuss it - here's my e-mail: paulrim@rockemail.com
For now I just want to say that rejection is not worst thing that can happen. You need to ask her to tell you directly if there are any feelings. If there are - I'll be happy for you, but if there are not - you'll be glad it's over. No more "does she or does she not?", no more "should I or should I not?". You'll be on your way.

[smackie9]

You are almost 24 and you have nothing, why is that do you think? It's your attitude, your dislike for people, lack of trust, you are negative and are antisocial, these are total turn offs, a sick vapor that repels repels females and people just in general. Women like positive, confident, social guys...it's our nature to be attracted to those attributes. This girl rejected you for your attitude, not her excuses. I agree with Boisdevie, you need therapy because you can't seem to get it that how you are is killing your future to find love or any kind of social life.

[Indestructible]

You need to ask her to tell you directly if there are any feelings. If there are - I'll be happy for you, but if there are not - you'll be glad it's over. No more "does she or does she not?", no more "should I or should I not?". You'll be on your way.

Heh, I wish, but at this point, it's probably best to not "rock the boat" with her. Things were pretty good and not at all uncomfortable with her when I saw her yesterday; if I bring it up again and continue to "pick at it", I might put her off. Plus, I don't want her to think I'm hung up on it (even if I still kinda sorta am). Still, it would at least be nice to know what she really thought of me, dating-wise. I dunno. Maybe it'll eventually come up in one of our conversations, and I can try to find a way to get some answers out of her without seeming "obsessed" about it. Not sure how to do that, but eh.

You are almost 24 and you have nothing, why is that do you think? It's your attitude, your dislike for people, lack of trust, you are negative and are antisocial, these are total turn offs, a sick vapor that repels repels females and people just in general. Women like positive, confident, social guys...it's our nature to be attracted to those attributes. This girl rejected you for your attitude, not her excuses. I agree with Boisdevie, you need therapy because you can't seem to get it that how you are is killing your future to find love or any kind of social life.

Despite how I come across on here, in "real life" I'm not the antisocial negative "stay away from me" kind of person you're pegging me for. Even though I say I don't "like" people, I don't mean that I hate everyone and give off bad vibes. Worst case scenario, I seem a bit reserved, and I don't make the "first move" to get to know most people. If someone attempts to get to know me better, I start opening up a bit more, and I decide how much, exactly, I want to open up to that person. For most people, I'm nice and friendly, and for the select few I choose to really "let in", I think I come across very well.

To be honest? I think I'm actually at my nicest around girls. I warm up to them a bit more (in a friendly way) because I find girls easier to talk to and more comfortable to be around. I don't have problems being nice and friendly to girls. In fact, I have pretty playful, catty friendships with the handful of girls I know (I'm just not into them as more than that, nor do I assume they are to me).

Heck, with this girl, most of the stuff I say at least gets a smile out of her, and I'm pretty good at making her laugh. Not to mention, to some extent, we have pretty similar views on people in general, which is something we connected on (and one of the other many reasons I developed an attraction to her), even if she is a bit more social than I am.

So, I know I sound super negative and depressing, but that doesn't accurately reflect me in real life. Those are just... thoughts and feelings that exist deep deep down inside me that come to the surface when I feel down. I think if you met me/ interacted with me in person, you'd probably see I'm not this "dark" person you seem to think I am.

[smackie9]

Like I said how you feel is what restricting you from getting what you want out of life. You won't find a nice catch if you have no substance of a life, and that is a strong social circle, trust, confidence, and a relaxed easy going attitude. If you can make some changes the sky's the limit.

[Indestructible]

I understand what you're saying, I just don't think that's why she said no. Like I said, despite how I come across on here, I think I hold it together pretty well.

Anyway, I kinda wonder if it'd be inappropriate to have one last discussion with her, to "tie up loose ends", see if she'd be willing to revisit this later, and get on the same page, but I guess I probably shouldn't "poke the bear". Things are good now, and I'm not sure if I should risk it just for some clarity.

[smackie9]

She is not stupid, she knows you really want to date her, and just by saying no isn't going to make you forget about it. Leave it, there is no need to push this any further.

[IndiReloaded]

You seem like like an intelligent, if introverted, fellow so I'm going to try a different kind of logic from the others (who I agree with).

There is an inherent contradiction in your situation.

Because I don't like very many people, and because I'm very selective about who I open up to, I'm worried I won't find another girl any time soon, if ever. Certainly not one as "perfect" for me as this girl was.

If you are very selective and open up to almost noone, then how can you know this girl is "perfect" for you? In statistical terms, your 'N' is far too small. Plus you only know this girl in a work setting. You know *nothing* about her as a partner. I think the dating lingo for this is 'oneitis':

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=oneitis

[IndiReloaded]

I agree with Cerby, btw. And would THANK HIS POST if I could... LA.

[Indestructible]

She is not stupid, she knows you really want to date her, and just by saying no isn't going to make you forget about it.

You really think she has an inclination that I still like her? I mean, not that I plan to push the issue again (at least not any time soon, maybe when she finishes school next year), but we've been back to normal around each other since she said no, so would she really think I'm still thinking about her that way?

You seem like like an intelligent, if introverted, fellow so I'm going to try a different kind of logic from the others (who I agree with).

There is an inherent contradiction in your situation.

If you are very selective and open up to almost noone, then how can you know this girl is "perfect" for you? In statistical terms, your 'N' is far too small. Plus you only know this girl in a work setting. You know *nothing* about her as a partner. I think the dating lingo for this is 'oneitis':

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=oneitis

I observe and analyze people, and some people just instill in me a good feeling, and that's how I determine who I really "let in". She and I may not do anything outside of work, but inside of work, we talk quite a bit, and have gotten to know each other fairly well. From all that, I really feel like were compatible. Plus, like I said, for some reason, I've always felt more comfortable around her, even before I decided I was into her. I don't get that from many people, and I just thought it meant something.

I dunno, honestly, prior to falling for her, I had no intention of dating, getting involved with anyone that way, etc. I haven't been looking for that in a very long time, so falling for her took me by surprise. I don't constantly find women and put them on pedestals, and I didn't mean to sound so over the top by saying she was "perfect"; I just meant, I've never met a girl that I've actually connected so well with, and because that seems to be so rare for me, I can't help but wonder about my future prospects. For now, I'm back to "not looking".