I need a piece of advice....

[Nantia]

First of all, hello everybody! I am a new member, and I decided to start my first thread..

Well... It's a long story...
It was last summer.. It was a time when I had decided that I don't want any serious relationship, I had my reasons... I only wanted having fun with men... So I had already found some one or two "lovers"..

A couple of months later, I met him. I was with a friend of mine, she told me that we would go out with two guys, friends of hers.. I said ok, and that's how it happened. I had friendly intentions towards them. I mean, I didn't went out with them with the intertion of finding a new "lover". So I didn't treated him like one.. But everything happened too fast.. I had not even realised how it happened.We started going out, having fun, etc.. He became one of my "lovers" and I didn't know how it happened! :-S Of course, I had informed him for what I do in my life.. I did never lied to him. He new about my other "lovers". Sometime during the winter, he disappeared for about three months... It was when I finally realised that I'm in love with him.

After that, at the beginning of April, we started going out again. But he was different. He was disappearing for a month, and then he was appearing again! And again, and again... Somewhen at the end of June, I decided to speak to him, because I didn't want to be with anyone else, but only with him. But I didn't get to do it, because he first started a conversation, telling me that "no one should know about my past, because some men, will never take seriously a woman who has such a turbulent love life, and that he himself is one of those men.I got disappointed... And I didn't speak to him about my feelings.

On August, (I had already stop going out with other men) I decided to stop going out with him... I wrote him that I got tired of him because he had this attitude, going out with me once in a month, and then for the whole month totally disappeared.. He immediatly called me, and we went out to discuss it...He gave me some explanations, and he left me decide what I want to do... I said I don't want to stop going out with him.. I asked him for some more time with him.. I said nothing else.. Neither that I'm in love with him, nor that I had stop going out with other men..

Now we have some more contact with each other, but still is not enough... I don't know what to do, I think that speaking to him wouldn't help.. I just try to show him my interest in other ways, and a bit more.. (Because I wasn't show him my interest so far..)But I still need some advice, please, whoever has an idea, I would be really grateful to hear a piece of advice!!

Thanks in advance...

[searock]

Tell him you have feelings for him and you would like to be in an exclusive relationship with him. If he doesn't reciprocate (I don't think he does, sorry), go no contact and move on.

[Nantia]

That's the case... I want to make him reciprocate.. I want to be with him... And I want to try whatever I can... :-/

[Wakeup]

That's the case... I want to make him reciprocate.. I want to be with him... And I want to try whatever I can... :-/

LOOK!

no one should know about my past, because some men, will never take seriously a woman who has such a turbulent love life, and that he himself is one of those men.

He's already told you that he doesn't look upon you as being good relationship material becuase of your promiscuity. He will not change the way he thinks upon women. He has that old double standard ingrained into his sub-concsious.

You waste your emotions on him and it's likely not even "love" but rather you being addicted to him coming in and making you feel good and then leaving you to rot until he wants to fk you again two-three months down the road when he comes back you get high on the chemical reaction to having sex with him.. He's like a drug pusher who gives you free samples until you are hooked and beggin for what he offers. He's not worthy of this pedestal you have put him on. Your emotions are based on sexual reactions... there is no actions from him showing you that he values you for anything other than an orgasme when it suits HIM.

You won't do this because you're addicted and weak of self-worth but you need to go cold turkey from your drug of choice known as "Booty Call." The best thing you could do for yourself is to stop all contact and stop letting him come, **** you and then disappear like you are some warm wet place he likes to masturbate into.

Do what Sea suggests first and ask him for exclusivity and to be able to see him often enough to figure out if you really do love him or you just want someone who intrigues you because he, instead of you is in control of when you get sex. Chances are very high that he will not give you what you want. when/if you find out he will not, then do the cold turkey withdrawl you need to do to get over this and then work on your self.

[Blondi3]

Oh honey... talk about shooting yourself in the foot.

Look I'm all for men and women having the freedom to play with their sexuality and have however many 'lovers' they want as long as nobodies getting hurt or lied to and everybody's playing safe and knows how to put a condom on. But these games your playing are going to totally screw your chances at having a relationship with this man.

You've said quite plainly in that post what you want - your in love, you want him, just him, no other men and you want to spend more time with him as his girlfriend. So start by telling him that - outright, plainly in words. No 'hints', no showing 'interest in other ways' - cold hard honesty. You set the rules with this guy - you got involved with him as a bit of casual fun, a woman of many lovers, who didn't do commitment. And he has told you outright that he doesn't take you seriously because of that. So if you want him to take you seriously now, you have to show him the difference.

I'd also considering locking him out of your bedroom for a while. You want him to get to know you as something other than a 'lover', then take it off the table until your sure of the connection between the two of you as people. Otherwise, how will you ever know if he cares about you or whether he still just sees you as casual sex.

You want to be his girlfriend - so start communicating with him like one. Relationships don't survive when people don't be themselves or hide behind sex. You will only end up hurting yourself. Good luck.

[Nantia]

I don't know.. I'm so confused.. :-/

[Nantia]

Oh honey... talk about shooting yourself in the foot.

Look I'm all for men and women having the freedom to play with their sexuality and have however many 'lovers' they want as long as nobodies getting hurt or lied to and everybody's playing safe and knows how to put a condom on. But these games your playing are going to totally screw your chances at having a relationship with this man.

You've said quite plainly in that post what you want - your in love, you want him, just him, no other men and you want to spend more time with him as his girlfriend. So start by telling him that - outright, plainly in words. No 'hints', no showing 'interest in other ways' - cold hard honesty. You set the rules with this guy - you got involved with him as a bit of casual fun, a woman of many lovers, who didn't do commitment. And he has told you outright that he doesn't take you seriously because of that. So if you want him to take you seriously now, you have to show him the difference.

I'd also considering locking him out of your bedroom for a while. You want him to get to know you as something other than a 'lover', then take it off the table until your sure of the connection between the two of you as people. Otherwise, how will you ever know if he cares about you or whether he still just sees you as casual sex.

You want to be his girlfriend - so start communicating with him like one. Relationships don't survive when people don't be themselves or hide behind sex. You will only end up hurting yourself. Good luck.

I think you're right, that's exactly what I had decided to do. I was about to talk to him.. But then I changed my mind.. So you say stop having sex with him? It's ok, I can do it.. But how will I start the conversation..? I'm scared...

[Wakeup]

Sorry Blonde, but i'm going to disagree with you on this one. Particularily because now Op has some vague hope that her hoohoo is actually a viable commodity that will buy her what she wants (as if she didn't think that already)

What man will take a woman seriously who he's been having sex with and suddenly she starts using it as a weapon, withdraws it and thinks that will pursuade him that she's a changed, virtuous catch? Sorry, but the way this guy thinks about her already.. I'm thinking that ship has sailed.

Nantia, your vagina is not a bartering tool. You withholding now will give him a chuckle as he disappears for good. Talk to him if you must, at least then you'll get your answer. Playing games by witholding now will just make you appear even more dumb then you were to add him as one of your lovers "without knowing how it happened."

How old are you? (asked without malice)

[Nantia]

Sorry Blonde, but i'm going to disagree with you on this one. Particularily because now Op has some vague hope that her hoohoo is actually a viable commodity that will buy her what she wants (as if she didn't think that already)

What man will take a woman seriously who he's been having sex with and suddenly she starts using it as a weapon, withdraws it and thinks that will pursuade him that she's a changed, virtuous catch? Sorry, but the way this guy thinks about her already.. I'm thinking that ship has sailed.

Nantia, your vagina is not a bartering tool. You withholding now will give him a chuckle as he disappears for good. Talk to him if you must, at least then you'll get your answer. Playing games by witholding now will just make you appear even more dumb then you were to add him as one of your lovers "without knowing how it happened."

How old are you? (asked without malice)

....
I'm 20...

[searock]

Nantia, why won't you talk to him and tell him that you have feelings for him and want a relationship with him? I think you should do that.

[Nantia]

Nantia, why won't you talk to him and tell him that you have feelings for him and want a relationship with him? I think you should do that.

I am afraid... Wouldn't it be better if I just show it to him in some other ways..? :-/

[Wakeup]

At 20, why would you pin so much on a guy that is judging you on your past? There is a high likelihood that this boy/man(?) wil NOT be your life-partner even if he was a good guy that treated you well, saw you exclusively and didn't hold your past against you.

Take back your personal power and DO NOT see him for casual sex a minute longer. You THINK you're in love with him when it is a psychological addiction to the chemical release of the hormones associated with sex and arousal and the relief he gives you when he 'graces' you once again with his self.

Leave it be. He's got different relationship values than you even though is is just like you ~ He judges you negatively on the very actions he himself indulges in. Do you really think he belongs on that pedestal you've erroneously put him on?

I don't, but I'm not you so tell him what you (think) you're feeling and then see what he has to say. If he agrees to be with you as your exclusive bf then I suggest you pay close attention to his actions and particularily to whether or not he keeps disappearing because if he continues on as before (only now with a silly title of "bf") then he's just telling you what he thinks will keep you waiting on that shelf for him.

I say forget about any men for the time being, work on your self-worth, self-esteem, self-respect and stop taking lovers because sadly, there are a whole lot of men out there that still think like this guy and they will indeed hold what you did against you when they are deciding if you're good life-mate material.

I am afraid... Wouldn't it be better if I just show it to him in some other ways..? :-/

Please tell us how you expect to show him. In what ways will you do that, particularily when he only sees you to have sex with you and then disappears?

[Blondi3]

I see where your coming from Wakeup - and no Nantia I'm not even remotely suggesting you use sex as something to barter with - the exact opposite. I want you to stop using sex as the basis of your relationship and see what else is there. It's not denying him sex to make a point in your relationship. It's not about him. It's about you. You're scared to TALK to a man who you've been physically intimate with for months - that's crazy. Your happy to open your legs and get what you want, but terrified to open your mouth and ask? Why? Is it because YOU think the only think worth showing this man is your vagina? That you've got nothing else to show of value? If you do, I can tell straight up - your wrong. You've got alot more than that. But if you don't respect it, no one else will.

So far you've allowed this guy to get close to one tiny bit of who you are. That's why I think you should stop sleeping with him. You need to know what is there between you when your not in bed. And yes, the reason your scared is because the answer could well be nothing. He might not be interested - he may well walk. And that will hurt. BUT if that happens, you have to know that this guy, however much you love him, is not the one for you. You learn from this, move on and find the guy who's interested in you as a person, as well as a sex goddess. Far better that, then months agonising about how to get this man to love you, destroying your own self esteem in the process, when the reality is he's just not right for you.

[Wakeup]

^^^ Amen! ^^^

[Nantia]

At 20, why would you pin so much on a guy that is judging you on your past? There is a high likelihood that this boy/man(?) wil NOT be your life-partner even if he was a good guy that treated you well, saw you exclusively and didn't hold your past against you.

Take back your personal power and DO NOT see him for casual sex a minute longer. You THINK you're in love with him when it is a psychological addiction to the chemical release of the hormones associated with sex and arousal and the relief he gives you when he 'graces' you once again with his self.

Leave it be. He's got different relationship values than you even though is is just like you ~ He judges you negatively on the very actions he himself indulges in. Do you really think he belongs on that pedestal you've erroneously put him on?

I don't, but I'm not you so tell him what you (think) you're feeling and then see what he has to say. If he agrees to be with you as your exclusive bf then I suggest you pay close attention to his actions and particularily to whether or not he keeps disappearing because if he continues on as before (only now with a silly title of "bf") then he's just telling you what he thinks will keep you waiting on that shelf for him.

I say forget about any men for the time being, work on your self-worth, self-esteem, self-respect and stop taking lovers because sadly, there are a whole lot of men out there that still think like this guy and they will indeed hold what you did against you when they are deciding if you're good life-mate material.

Please tell us how you expect to show him. In what ways will you do that, particularily when he only sees you to have sex with you and then disappears?

Look... I know EXACTLY what I feel and what I don't... And that's because what I've done so far in my sex life taught me so... Moreover, I have already been thinking that what I feel may not be real, but if was that the case, I wouldn't feel so depressed all the time.. I have strong feelings, I've never felt like that before.. And he's not going out with me only when he wants having sex with me.. There have been many times when we were out with his friends/or with my friends, or times when we just went out together, but not having sex...

And I don't know what to do, that's why I started the thread...