Taking back a cheating ex

**Mahalo** · 23-09-12, 01:33 AM

Dear all,

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up five months ago, after I discovered that he cheated on me. He cheated on me twice with the same girl: he kissed her once at the beginning of our relationship and eventually had sex with her (also once) - both under the influence of alcohol. He didn't tell me, I found out through a mutual friend. After finding out what happened, I broke up with him.

We've been broken up for five months now. During these five months, he's been trying to get me back, begging, apologizing, groveling. I miss him and I still love him very much. He takes full responsibility for his actions, has been completely honest with me since (at least, I believe he's honest) and hasn't touched anyone else since. Still, trust has been broken and eventhough he has promised that it will never happen again, I find it hard to believe his promises.

He says he's willing to work hard on restoring my trust. Being completely transparent in his actions, when I feel insecure. I do believe our relationship still has a chance, but still, all my friends and family keep telling me: once a cheater, always a cheater. Again, it will be difficult to trust him again. I don't want to be looking over my shoulder all the time.

What do you think? Give him another chance, because we do still love each other and everyone deserves a second chance? Or past behavior is the best prediction for the future, so no second chance? I really don't know what to do anymore - I hope you guys won't think I'm completely stupid for that.

Thanks a lot!

Love,
Mahalo

**Wakeup** · 23-09-12, 01:50 AM

How long were you together before he cheated on you? How old are you both and how do you know he only had sex with her once? Surely your "mutual friend" wouldn't know how many times they were together.

If you can't trust him then why would you go back to him? Either you forgive and forget and get on with your lives together and if you can't do that then you stay broken up, cut all contact and stop letting him try to manipulate you back. You "still love him very much" because you haven't given yourself the time and space to get over him.

During these five months, he's been trying to get me back, begging, apologizing, groveling.

Why are you still in contact with him? How can you quit smoking if you keep having a drag off of a cigarette? You can't, so either shit or get off the pot. Stop talking to him or take him back.. listening to his whine while you are'nt going to forgive him is unfair to the both of you. I think if you actually stepped away from him for a while, you wouldn't even want to be with him anymore or "think" that you still loved him for that matter.

Again.. how long was your relationship?

**surfhb** · 23-09-12, 01:52 AM

Of course not! It shouldn't even be a topic of discussion.....you're only dating. The whole point of dating is finding that one person whom you want a life with

**Mahalo** · 23-09-12, 02:28 AM

You're right, there hasn't been any distance. At least, not for long. We weren't even together that long: seven months. I feel dumb. (I'm 21, he's 29.)

**smackie9** · 23-09-12, 02:32 AM

I can see if you were both married maybe have kids and a lot invested, then it would be counseling and making it work. But you two are just dating, and even tho cheating is a poor use of judgement, You are not living together, you are not engaged or married, so that means you and him are free game to others. It's all about making a decision whether you wish to commit to a relationship or not. He made the decision not to. He is still in dating mode and his heart isn't into wanting to a future with you. So there is no point in giving him a second chance, for he is just not ready. You need to find someone who is on the same page as you, that you want the relationship to progress to having a life partner someday.

That is what dating is all about, you have to kick a lot of tires to find the right one, he was still kicking tires.

**Wakeup** · 23-09-12, 02:35 AM

At 29 he's still playing cassanova. pffft! Leave him to it and find a guy that thinks you're the prize and wouldn't dare take a chance on losing you by having NSA sex with another. You're 21 and there will be another guy, one who won't disrespect you the way he has, This new guy will come along as soon as you distance yourself from your ex and have cleared him from your head and the dissappointment he's caused.

That's what I'd do anyway.

You are not living together, you are not engaged or married, so that means you and him are free game to others.

That is a personal opinion. To me when you've promised exclusivity to someone then "free game" it is no longer a choice that includes being "free game." I'm sure Op feels the same way or this thread wouldn't even exist.

That is what dating is all about, you have to kick a lot of tires to find the right one, he was still kicking tires.

Then he needs to stop promising sexual exclusivity to one woman and just date without calling her his gf and she his bf.
Had he not promised exlusivity then he is free to fk whomever will have him... Marital status/living arrangements aside a promise is a promise and a breakup should incur sans infidelity.

Op: Perhaps I'm assuming here. Did he promise you exclusivity and then reneged on that promise? Or... were you simply dating and you assumed you were exclusive bf/gf?

**Mahalo** · 23-09-12, 03:02 AM

We were exclusive. He really did cheat. He says that he was afraid to commit, but that losing me was the worst thing that ever happened to him. Ofcourse, that's exactly what I want to hear. What I don't get is this: if he wants to screw around, he can screw around now: he's single. Why then try to get me back? Why does he want commitment now: just so he can cheat again? Or just another case of wanting what you can't have? I don't understand.

**smackie9** · 23-09-12, 03:08 AM

A case of wanting what you can't have.

**smackie9** · 23-09-12, 03:14 AM

I said free game to "others" as to say some will see you as possibility to being available, not an excuse for him to step over the line, but it shows he didn't see this relationship "exclusive" worthy.

**BackUpOrGetStng** · 23-09-12, 03:15 AM

You're a fool. If you take him back, you deserve to get cheated on again.

**Mahalo** · 23-09-12, 03:18 AM

I don't like being called a fool. Even if it's true.

**smackie9** · 23-09-12, 03:24 AM

So you are going to take him back huh.

**Mahalo** · 23-09-12, 03:30 AM

I don't think so. You're all right, I didn't mean it like that. I already feel stupid enough for all of this and the word 'fool' is kind of sensitive, especially because I've heard it before. That's all. I didn't mean it the wrong way.

**IndiReloaded** · 23-09-12, 03:35 AM

Originally Posted by Mahalo

I don't think so. You're all right, I didn't mean it like that. I already feel stupid enough for all of this and the word 'fool' is kind of sensitive, especially because I've heard it before. That's all. I didn't mean it the wrong way.

I think Stung meant that *if* you take him back, you are a fool. He's right. Cheaters don't change, esp. not ones who go about it the way you describe. He knew what he was getting into and went ahead and did it anyway. Boo hoo for him that he's lost a great gal. Hooray for you he showed you his colours early on and you get to escape this ass. If you stay, you are only going to be polishing a turd.

**BackUpOrGetStng** · 23-09-12, 03:53 AM

Originally Posted by Mahalo

I don't like being called a fool. Even if it's true.

I don't post based on what you like. I just speak my mind. Fool.

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