one smitten kitten

[1smittenkitten]

So
I've noticed a pattern. We get close, we get closer, we get really close. Spending too many hours a day in one anothers company so that even I am sometimes the one to initiate a little break from one another but usually it's him. Sometime it will be a few days before we even speak. I never mention it, and just act friendly and happy to be with him when he comes back. I am happy to be with him when he gets back. I get a lot done and have a blast without him when he's gone but I'm happy to be with him when he gets back.

He's the guy who makes me laugh so hard it hurts. He's the guy I stay up with talking to until 9am the next day. He's the guy I dream of.

I sent him an offline message the last time he disappeared and said
I had a dream that you and I lay next to one another under blankets in a patch of grass lit up by the moon. Your hand rested on my stomach. I tried to sneak my hand into yours but you pulled away and left when I touched you.

he replied the next day with;
That's strange, because I had one that we were lying together, and I slid my hand down over your tummy and pulled you in closer to me.

I literally swooned.

When I met him I was done with men for ever. I had been celibate for several years after an incredibly painful divorce. I immersed myself in a ridiculous chat room environment and laughed at those around me who had e-relationships. He felt the same way and had also been celibate for several years. It became clear that we had a very similar sense of humor. To be honest with you I assumed he was a much older uglier guy and I was happy to have a celibate buddy to pal around the internet with when I was bored who wouldn't fall for me like the others had. Blech!

I'm often incredibly naive (a trait he claims to find adorable) and slow to pick up on stuff, all the time we spent together didn't clue me into the fact that he liked me as more than just a pal. it took him going out of his way one afternoon to inform me that "by the way I have no romantic interest in you", to realize that, oh wait this guy has romantic interest in me.
I said nothing and about 2 weeks later he confessed that he had been having what he described as "love feelings" for me, (he specifically clarified that he was not in love with me but that he had love feelings sweep over him, for me, frequently) That this scared the shit out of him and he was distancing himself from it as much as he could.

"I can't do this again, no life, not again life" he said it as though he were already defeated. That us being in love was a foregone conclusion, "if we meet" he said "we will end up together" (cock'y aint he?) "and I just can't do it again"

I reminded him that I was celibate and wanted to remain so.

a week later it was "If we meet I know we will end up a couple and I just can't do that right now, maybe, maybe in five years."

at this point I really wanted to meet him.

he sighed, called me by one of many nicknames and said "Here's the deal, If we are still friends in one year from now I will meet you and what happens happens."

That was on my birthday, in July. barely 2 months have gone by and it feels like a ****ING ETERNITY. am I allowed to say that?
Oh did I mention HE LIVES HALF AN HOUR AWAY FROM ME.

He often talks about a future when we are together, in passing you know what I mean? for example one time he said "Oh when we are old we'll just be gross together and it wont matter"

But then he talks about his ex and how beautiful she was. Often in the same breath as complimenting me.
I take it we are both facing issues regarding not being completely over events in our pasts with exes (isn't everybody??) -shrug-

I fear that he'll never meet me, or that we will meet and he will lose interest. Iwon't measure up to the ex. I fear that we will fall madly in love and I fear that we won't.

secretly, and Id never admit it but every time hes gone (like now) I fear that he's never coming back.

le sigh. I am one smitten kitten.

[Boisdevie]

And your question is?

[1smittenkitten]

I'm not entirely certain I have one. Like most women I just wanted to be heard. If anyone can empathize with my situation and feels like reaching out id be grateful but just getting it out was cathartic. -shrug- Sorry, it was just one of those days.