Help taking an emotional risk

[holly316]

I am in a 2 year relationship with a man I love deeply. I want to spend my life with him. We have been on and off for 20 years, but for the past 2 we have both grown so much. We recently had a conversation where he let me know he thinks about a house, and marriage. He also said that he needs more initiation from me, in the bedroom and in talking about our future, before it happens. The next day I thought maybe I was saying goodbye forever, and that he had already decided I don't give him enough of myself. But his text that evening when I got home said

Hope you sleep well...know that I love you as you are and want the u and me parts to be the best they can be, especially the us part nite-nite xoxo


We have amazing sex, and I want it all the time ! Problem is I lack confidence initiating and talking. I know if I lose him it will be from not sharing what is in my heart. He says he needs to feel wanted, and desired and that I can't keep my hands off of him.
I am meeting with a sex therapist tomorrow, to discuss ways to be more confident, and communicate during sex, and in our relationship. He is so turned on by talking, and I just freeze. I feel so sad that I have this amazing man, and can't fully share myself. I want to tell him I love him out loud ! He has said that he feels that even though we don't say it, he feels it solidly. I do think it was his way of telling me he is in love. I think he wants to hear it back. I am so afraid if I express my wants it will scare him off. I know not all men fear commitment, how do I take the risk and bring our relationship to the next level ? I want to make small efforts to let him know I hear him, and Im so wanting to work on these things.

Here is what I did so far.

1. I did tell him that Its not that I don't want sex as soon as we touch, but that I lack confidence to make the first move.
2. the next afternoon when I saw him, he kissed me first, but instead of just a light kiss back, I kissed him more passionately, after making out I climbed onto his lap... then we had sex.


I think he noticed, because that night in bed he said he liked when I was on top of him. He knows I am seeking help, I am so shy talking in bed. Do you think he sees this as enough effort? How do I ask him ? What should I do next ?

[Wakeup]

You say you've been on and off for 20 YEARS. Why are you "off" all the time? Have you had other lovers when you're "off?"

Have you thought about regular therapy before the sex therapy? Who recommended you see a sex therapist, was it him? I ask because you have this guy on such a pedestal and all he's done is let you know that you're not QUITE good enough for him to commit to you but if you'd only try harder and then harder again and then try even harder. Honey, you'll never be enough for him, No one woman likely ever will. I'm sorry he's made you so self-conscious, so insecure and so addicted to the horrible downs (when he lets you know you're not doing something good enough) and the ephoria of the ups (when you get a little tidbit of praise from him) that you're too hooked to leave him long enough to realize that love isn't much like what you're experiencing with him at all.

You make it sound like he bases his whole reason for being with you on how you perform in bed and doesn't bring much to this union except to keep you insecure and oh so wanting to please.

I feel so sad that I have this amazing man,

Can you give us a sample of why you think he's so amazing other than the fact that you're having boarderline personality style sex with him when he's not dumped you for not being good enough? What does he do for you outside of the bedroom, dear.

Before I answer your actual question of "how do I bring this relationship to the next level" It'd be nice to know why you would want to. So: give us a hint on what he offers you that entails being a good partner and lifemate? Good sex (when he's not complaining that you didn't do it quite good enough) doesn't count if that's all you two have got going for you.

[holly316]

We are a great match, and have many strengths to the relationship. Things he does for me...

He goes out of his way to make sure I am comfortable, when I stay with him, he brings me coffee while I am in the shower, takes the dog for am walk so I can sleep in, cooks breakfast. We love cooking together and celebrating a meal, we work well as a team. When I leave he sends me off with lunch packed for work the next day, complete with note and desert, he buys my dog food for me so I don't have to lug in the heavy bag. When he is at my house he cleaned out my storage shed, helps change the turtle tank. We live an hour away from each other and alternate. To make it work we run our errands together, recreate and relax. He is affectionate, sweet, and makes me feel safe. Texts in the am when he knows I have a big day at work, he tells everyone how amazing I am, he spends time with my family, he asks my opinion, involves me in his world, and trusts my judgement. We laugh together, he shares his heart, tells me his fears, his dreams, He makes me feel wanted, desired, loved. He holds me til I fall asleep, He is my best friend.

We broke up as we were kids when we met (18 and 20) remained friends, and the other time we dated we were both on career paths and timing was horrible. We were apart for many years, and I have been in other relationships.

He is not asking for anything he himself does not do for me, and I want too be able to reciprocate. My family is loving, but affection was not so much a part of my world. His family hugs, kisses, says love you all the time, It is I who is seeking sex therapy. I have lingerie in my closet I am so dying to wear, but don't feel sexy enough. He tells me how good things feel, I am unable to tell him. Its not all about the bedroom, I have trouble revealing my whole self to anyone, with him I want to be able to freely love and express myself. I love him so much, and feel sad not to be able to dive in.

My fear of losing him is not based on sex, its more of being unable to express how I feel. Its just a part of the communication barrier.

[Wakeup]

Well, you paint a much happier picture in your second post so thanks for elaborating on the dynamics of your relationship however; I'm confused.

Why are you going to a sex therapist when your problem seems to be that you lack in showing affection. Does he think that the only way to show affection IS with sex? Do you? Do you just lie there, afraid to respond, reciprocate or encourage?

I'm thinking you let your therapist handle things. Personally I'm thinking couples councelling or personal therapy may sound like a better alternative. Perhaps you're just having a hard time articulating what he thinks your problem is or, I'm not just cluing in. Sorry!

[holly316]

The sex therapist is skilled in relationships, couples, intimacy. Its like we are 2 half circles and a small hole is left in the center. Its as if I am afraid to let myself get all the way close. I want so badly to say I love you to him, be more confident in our future, make future plans. He is all in, but I am unable to show it back. Its as if I feel I don't deserve such happiness, feeling I am going to lose him. My insecurity is pushing us apart. I met with the therapist this week. She feels confident she can help. I will see her again on Thursday. In the meantime I feel in limbo. I tried so hard this weekend to bring up my feelings, and tell him what was in my heart.... to tell him that I love him, I love "us" I want to spend my life with him, move forward and stop being so guarded. He wants initiation of affection, initiation in our relationship. I feel like a failure when we spend time together and I don't share more of what is in my heart. I am hoping the therapist can help me break it into steps and see that good things happen when I express myself..

[smackie9]

I think you should see a psychologist. Sounds to me you could be suffering from Asperger syndrome. It's something to look into.

[holly316]

Here is an update I have been to 3 sessions with sex therapist. Sex therapy I have learned also encompasses intimacy issues. In our sessions, she has delved into my family and cultural background. Seems my intimacy issues are directly related to control. Raised in a close knit Italian Family, we interacted very little with the outside world. In our "safe" family we had a stay at home mom, a dad who owned his own business around the corner from our home, and our grandparents were around the corner. days were spent visiting grandma, lunch and dinner together every day. My grandmother the center of our family passed suddenlywhen I was 6. She was 59. Our whole world changed, no more dinners, less family, a long period of sadness. Seems the first time my world was rocked involved such sadness, I resorted to controlling things around me. I worried about death, but did not talk about it for fear of making parents sad...

things out of control, not on my terms cause a flight response, intimacy which is unpredictable is a big trigger. She is an amazing therpaist, 2 sessions of just describing my family, then asked me to name a time when things felt chaotic, family roles were different. I cried uncontrollably describing the day that grandma died, and I first experienced loss. She is confident to be able to help me, and I am feeling like I finally can begin to start letting go a bit. She said first in other areas, then in my relationship. I feel like I can start to let go and share more of myself, with guidance of course. I feel all the feelings, just feel so guarded to express ! Thanks for all that listened. I think I am on the right road, for myself to reach the intimacy I so crave !

[Wakeup]

Well done, Holly.

[smackie9]

Excellent that you sot out some professional help. Congratz on your road to recovery. Maybe down the road you could be the one to bring back the family tradition of getting the family together for a meal. Have everyone raise their glass and do a toast in your grandmother's memory...

[bulrush]

1. I did tell him that Its not that I don't want sex as soon as we touch, but that I lack confidence to make the first move.
2. the next afternoon when I saw him, he kissed me first, but instead of just a light kiss back, I kissed him more passionately, after making out I climbed onto his lap... then we had sex.

Holly, you have done well to find out what you have problems with and also by telling him how you feel.

You already know how to initiate, look at #2 above, you did it! Just do it again. The more you do it, the easier it gets. I used to be shy talking to girls, so I practiced, and got better at it. Now I'm not shy anymore. It just takes practice. You can do it. Confidence comes from inside you. One way to get more confidence is to practice. And remind your husband to encourage you when you DO initiate. Sometimes he might forget, just because he is busy.

I think the sex therapist is fine for you. Keep seeing her.

You may want to read this article on Libido Types: "spontaneous" vs "reactive" libido

http://www.thedirtynormal.com/2010/02/27/do-you-know-when-you-want-it/

So tell me, how many pasta dishes do you have at Thanksgiving? We had at least 3. lol. Part of my family is Italian.