Married, but feelings for my wife's step sister

[andyt1]

Hi everyone, could really do with some advice (sorry if it's a long post) ...

I'm 34, got married 4 months ago, was with my wife for 4 years prior to that.

I started to suffer from depression in my late teens, and for a lot of my 20s I was depressed on and off (I'm a lot better these days). I spent most of my 20s feeling lonely, wishing I had someone special. Over the years there were a few girls that I was really keen on, but they were never interested in anything more than being friends; instead all my relationships tended to be more about drunken, casual sex, and none of these women I could imagine wanting a relationship with settling down with.

When I was 30 I met someone 9 years younger than me, and we really clicked. She was fairly pretty, kind, caring, but also a little bit vulnerable. We both wanted the same thing - someone to love and be loved by, and within 5 months she'd move in with me. This was the first time I'd actually seriously dated someone who I could imagine settling down with. For all the time that I've been with her, my wife has probably suffered from mild depression: she has trouble getting motivated (doesn't get up until 1 or 2 in the afternoon, housework doesn't get done etc), feels too stressed to work (even a part time job), can be very negative about people (including my friends and family) and situations, and is often ratty, stressed and irritable; our sex life is pretty non-existent. Often I'm on the receiving end of her temper, and although she is usually very apologetic a few minutes later, I guess it is probably doing long-term damage to our relationship. If that sounds bleak, we also have some good times - we make each other laugh, I know she cares a lot about me, would never cheat, and is sympathetic if I'm ever feeling down. This is part of the reason that I've put up with her downsides for so long, but I also keep thinking that I can help her to change - I've encouraged her to get counselling etc. If I'm honest, another reason I put up with it is that I'm scared to be on my own. I don't have much in the way of friends or family, I work from home, and it would be very lonely without her.

My wif'es parents are divorced. Her dad has remarried, and his new wife has a daughter from a previous marriage who lives with them. She's 18 and very attractive. In the early days of our relationship, my wife wasn't really close to her dad's side of the family, but in the last year her relationship with her dad has improved, and she's become friends with this step sister. In the last 6 months I've gradually become good friends with the step sister too - we talk for hours on facebook 2 or 3 times a week and get on really well. My wife's evening typically consists of lieing on the sofa engrossed in the tv, and rather than sit there in silence, I often find myself going on facebook and hoping her step sister will be online - we joke around a lot, chat about family, and I find her very interesting.

For the past few weeks I haven't been able to stop thinking about her step sister, wishing I was with her instead of my wife. Part of me says I'm being silly - she's 16 years younger than me for a start, but I enjoy her company so much that I think it's highlighted how mundain things are with my wife. I have 4 years of history with my wife, we've helped each other through hard times, know how the other thinks etc, yet it seems like I prefer her step sister simply because we make each other laugh so much (and she's stunning)

I'm really confused. I do love my wife, but I'm starting to think that perhaps I chose her as a safe option

[sicilian1645]

I can relate to this but sadly i am not sure how to help you :-(

[michelle23]

It sounds like you are very insecure and immature. I recommend counselling. This is a major red flag in your marriage and a massive test. If you fail it, you will most likely regret it. This is classic of thinking is the grass greener. I learned my lesson at 17 to stay away from insecure men as they s**t all over you, rip your heart out and then run away to let you clean up the mess...

Seriously get some counselling.

[michelle23]

Just because your wife has some flaws (as every human does)that is no reason to hurt her. You are newly married. What is wrong with you? Go for some counselling yourself first and talk about your past and old bad habits (casual sex etc) and your own self esteem/insecurity. Be honest about everything and talk about how you are feeling now and the step-sister....

Then when you are ready get marriage counselling.

You also need to learn you cannot change your wife. Only she can. you are picking flaws in her is because of your own issues and insecurities. You are also looking for a reason to cheat on her. Anything to justify your own bad behavior. There is no excuse to cheat on anyone. Leave if you are unhappy but my guess is you will never be happy with anyone until you sort your own crap out

Wife also needs counselling btw.

You two should never have gotten together in the first place, You both have issues which should have been resolved before either of you settled down. Getting married was a mistake but you can fix this if you are both willing to get help

[michelle23]

Also cut all contact with the step sister.

[bleucandle]

Don't complicate it. You love your wife, right? Well work on your marriage, see if she's receptive to counseling? Get out with her more. Do the things you did when you met her, and for goodness sake; if you live in that house too, get up and do some cleaning, too. Keep your feet off the coffee table, so to say.

If none of this gets your wife going, and she's not proactive in her own right, then you'll need to face the real possibility that the marriage can't survive on one heart's effort.

Mind you, this isn't a one or two week thing. If you love her, go that extra 100 miles to engage her. Eventually you will see that the marriage is or isnt working.

As for the step sister.....You better keep your butt on your side of the street and don't cross it. There's nothing over there but trouble; not the step sister; the resulting situation if you do cross it."

And as a side note, misery loves company; but still, use your brain.

Good luck to you and the marriage