Why would she choose doubtful love over certain love?

[jake_aard]

I started seeing G in November. We're both in our mid-forties.

We were very much in love. But she was holding back – sex was great (we were very compatible), but very “one way”.
In February she finally admitted why: I wasn't the only man. She'd been seeing S for 2.5 years (he didn't know about us... and he's just turned 60!).
I asked her then if she loved him - “yes”; and I asked if he loved her “I think so”.
She couldn't bring herself to “give a woman's ultimate gift” to me because of her guilt. Worse – she was giving this bloke that “gift”... and it looked more and more to me like he didn't care for her, let alone love her. AND this cad was keeping me from getting it!

We carried on. We were so in love that it was impossible not to. But..
“The closer I get to you the more guilty I feel”
And:
“He must never find out about us. It would hurt him so much and then he'd dump me. That would destroy me!”
Eventually, after 9 months, I broke. I sobbed into her shoulder “please stop hurting me!”

She started to withdraw. Said we should be “best friends”. That didn't work well – she desired me too much:- “I love you, I find you incredibly physically attractive. I want you. But I can't have you.”
To which I thought (but didn't say): WHY THE HELL NOT? JUST DUMP THE BLOKE THAT DOESN'T LOVE YOU!!!
But she wouldn't. “I can't imagine my life without him!”

Soon after, I got a chance to ask him about his feelings for her. He said he wasn't “in love”. And when I told him how besotted she was with him, he said “yes....... I've been wanting to cool things down actually.”

Well.... I HAD to tell her!

She said she'd confront him about it. And she came to me the following morning and told me he'd denied everything. My heart broke. And I hated him for being a spineless bar steward.
So, in a fit of anger, I told him (by text) we'd been seeing each other. Oops.

So it all got messy. He threatened to leave her and kept her in limbo for a week while he thought about it. She made it quite plain to me that she could only be happy if he took her back. Because I loved her so much I just wanted her to be happy even though it broke my heart. I had to settle for being a “close friend”. But I have absolutely no doubt, from what she said, the way we hugged, held hands and kissed, the look in her eyes... that right up until the day before he said he'd take her back (it was close - he was going to dump her right up until the last minute, then couldn't do it!), she loved me still. NO doubts.

The upshot is that she is no longer seeing me – at all. Not even as friends, as she'd promised only the day before.
I'm guessing that's because she still loves me, but doesn't want me to “distract” her from him. Am I right?

Speaking to him on the phone a week afterwards, he said:

• She never did confront him about “cooling down”. I guess she just didn't want to hear it.
• That he would have willingly “stepped aside” had he known there was something going on between us before. “I would have been sad because I love her too” (not, I noted, utterly *&@# heartbroken as I was) but he’d had 3 good years etc.
• That before this had all gone pear-shaped, she had started to demand more from him than he could give – “I can only give so much, and she wanted more.” Hence his desire to "cool things down".
• That initially he was fighting my corner – he could see that we were in love and, as previously said, wanted to cool things down. This was an ideal way out.
• And he said that the ONLY reason that he took her back was to make her happy – like me, his aim was to make her happy, and she had obviously chosen him despite it making no sense to either of us, so that was the only way to do it.

So. Ladies. Tell me this, because it makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER to me:
Why would she dump the bloke that obviously loves her (and that she, too, loves) for the bloke who, she knows deep down, DOESN'T love her? Why is she desperately hanging on to him?

Could it have anything to do with him being older and her father having left home when she was a kid???

After 3 weeks I'm still getting anxiety attacks, still waking every night at 3/4am. Her relationship is... wrong. Both he and I know she should have stayed with me.
What the hell can I do????

[Boisdevie]

I think you're making the mistake of believing that everyone is 'normal' when quite clearly she's a loony so why not just stay well clear of her? There are lots of other non-loony women out there.
Also I'm curious, what is this 'ultimate gift' of which you speak? If it's any good I'll ask my GF to let me have it asap.

[jake_aard]

"Ultimate gift"

For some people, "making love" is a synonym for "having sex".
For others, the two are very different. The latter is everything that "having sex" is, but with a massive emotional bond.
If you don't appreciate the difference, it's unlikely you ever will - it's just not the way you're made.
It's something that she and I found we both appreciated before we'd even started out together, and something that we both value very highly.

"Giving the ultimate gift" is the act of a woman giving herself entirely to a man - making love with him.
It isn't something that such women (or men - I'm the same) do lightly - I won't sleep with just anyone; I don't "have sex"; I will only ever "make love", and for that I HAVE to Love the woman I'm with. It's a sign of complete and utter trust and devotion.


As for being a loony - well, it certainly looks that way. But in all other aspects she is a strong, independent and sane woman. I wouldn't have been with her if she wasn't! It's only this mad obsession that she has, and that's half the problem- it's SO out of character!

[vashti]

I think you are kidding yourself. She loves HIM. There is no other reason a woman would put up with a man who didn't love them.

She carried on with you because she knows the other man ultimately has no intention of meeting her needs, but when push comes to shove, HE is her priority.

If she loved you, she would have kept you. I think you should understand this, and move on.

[Boisdevie]

Ah, the ULTIMATE GIFT is what we also call the game of hide the sausage. When you were talking of the ultimate gift I thought you were talking about anal, or perhaps a really nice present like a red Ducati motorbike.
For the OP, if you're prepared to wait the other guy is already 60. Give it another 20 years or so and he'll probably snuff it then you can move in.

[jake_aard]

I think you are kidding yourself. She loves HIM.

OK, so...
She would text me pretty much every day with one of various different ways of saying "I Love you";
When she was out with friends at a karoke bar (2 or 3 times this has happened - she's a good singer) she texted me to say what she was going to sing for me;
She once dedicated a song to me on Spanish radio while she was over in her villa;
EVERY time she went away somewhere for a few days, she'd take one of my shirts with her and sleep with is as the smell reminded her of me.
And TWO DAYS before she slammed the emotional door on me, I met her (by surprise) at the airport when she came back from a week in Spain - the look on her face, in her eyes was enough, but then she hugged me... tighter and tighter, longer and longer.. she was NOT for letting go. Then SHE took MY hand (I wasn't pushing it) as I walked her to the bus stop and as we parted, SHE kissed ME on the lips.
So. You still say she didn't love me?
She always said she loved us both. Equally.

So:

There is no other reason a woman would put up with a man who didn't love them.

Which is why I came here and asked the question. It just doesn't make sense to me.

She carried on with you because she knows the other man ultimately has no intention of meeting her needs, but when push comes to shove, HE is her priority.

If she knows he has no intention of meeting her needs (he doesn't) then why the heck does she continue with him??? Especially when I COULD meet all her needs.
I mean... WHAT?!?

Boisdevie: I said that some people didn't feel a difference between "making love" and "having sex"; you are clearly one of them, and will not ever understand what I mean. This is about LOVE not SEX.
Also, you'll notice I posted this, quite deliberately, in the "Ask a Female Forum".