In a 4 year relationship, and I think its time to get out - sorry its so long!

[persiangirl]

I've never done this before so I'm feeling a bit strange, but I'm really desperate. Hopefully you guys can find the time to answer my ridiculously long and complicated question.

I've been with my boyfriend for over four years, I'm turning 20 and he's 23. When we first met and started dating I was obviously quite young and I guess I was really excited by this older guy who seemed interested in me. Over the years he's disappointed me a lot, not that I've been perfect myself. But he has dragged a lot of things out, such as he hasn't met any of my family apart from briefly bumping into my dad once (my mum hates him because of this), and he hasn't met any of my friends. He says all this is because he hasn't sorted out everything in his life yet, such as financial problems. This has been a continuing issue in our relationship and it makes me feel like I don't actually have a boyfriend most of the time.

He hasn't told his own family about me because they are very traditional Hindus, and because I come from a Muslim background, I would be deemed unacceptable. He promised he's going to tell them on his next visit to see them. I have no idea how that will turn out. Also, before he got his car, he couldn't even be bothered to get a few buses to come see me, so I would do most of the travelling so we could spend time together. And this meant we could only see each other once a week. Now that he has a car, he suddenly wants to see me more often, but I'm being pulled in so many different directions with university, family and friends that its become difficult. I've told him he can see me more often if he'd meet my family and friends, because then he can come out with us, but he just goes all strange when I suggest it.

Over the past four years he's been messing around when it comes to jobs and his education, he didn't do well in school, and when we first got together he told me he was going to do a certain course to get him into university. Problem is, four years later, and it still hasn't happened. Every year he comes up with a new excuse for why he can't do it yet. I don't want to sound shallow, but I'm starting to think about my future a lot lately and I don't want to be with someone who isn't motivated, it's not about him going to university if he doesn't want to, just he needs to know what he's doing. I've just started an American university with a campus in London where I live, and then I will be moving to the States for the second and third year. He still wants to continue the relationship, but I don't think I do. I feel unappreciated, and like I've been waiting so long for him to just grow up and start to take everything more seriously, and just integrate himself more into my life. But when I try to have an honest conversation with him about all this he manages to turn it all around on me and make it seem like its all my fault, and I fall for it every time!

I guess now, because of all this I just don't feel like I'm in love with him anymore, and I don't feel attracted to him at all. He always goes on and on about how if I really love him, I'd be able to look past all this. I think that's sort of true, but also unfair. I just can't see a future with him anymore, but I don't know how to tell him that. I've tried breaking up with him before, and he just dissolved into tears and I didn't have the heart to walk away from him. I don't want to make the same mistake again, but he's constantly asking me if I love him and miss him and it makes me feel trapped and guilty. I don't want to be mean, or rude, and for it to be as painless as possible, although I know thats impossible. Basically I have no idea what to do!!!!

I know this was so long, hope you guys didn't mind.

I'd appreciate any advice on how to handle this situation, thanks!

[Boisdevie]

You have to have the 'it's over' conversation. It might be hard to do but not as hard as continuing in a relationship that's not meeting your expectations.