Galaxy-crossed... what to do?

[galaxycrossed]

First of all, hi, and thanks for reading this. I’ve been monitoring this forum for a while now & and I’m hoping someone outside of the problem might have a fresh viewpoint. This is the kind of problem one would normally only discuss w/a very close friend, but for me this is, ironically, part of the problem. So I am resorting to the anonymity of the internet! Aint it great?

In a nutshell, I love a close friend of mine & she loves me back. <SIGH> You’re thinking: not another one… but read on a bit. These feelings have survived years of school, long distance, other relationships and has only deepened over the years. Problem is she is married to another good friend of mine. And they have a small, very cute kid who I am also quite fond of. We have all been friends for almost 20 years. My friends marriage is strained but fairly stable (i.e. no abuse, both very reasonable ppl, etc). By the way, this is not unrequited love, but rather requited love denied. I know she cares deeply for me & I for her. But we have tacitly kept things platonic for the sake of their little one. She strongly believes that divorced parents turn out f*cked up children & is willing to sacrifice her personal happiness to ensure this doesn’t happen to hers.

I used to think that was cool: her choice, her marriage, her call, right? I mean, personal sacrifice, personal choice, life sometimes sucks and all that, but as I get older I’m not so sure. I’m starting to wonder if we only get once around this rock whether we should be trying to maximize our happiness. And I don’t believe its entirely her call to make on what is potentially, OUR relationship. I think I have some ownership here; we are friends and I do care. And yes, I’ve dated (and continue to date) many other women, and had some decent long term relationships that just didn’t work out. Now, I’m not a believer in “true love, the one” and all that, but this lady & I are VERY compatible, comfortable w/each other, attracted to each other, etc. We know each others many faults and accept each other for who we are. We can talk about anything w/o fear, including this subject, though we haven’t exchanged frank “I love you”s simply because I think neither one of us knows what to do about the questions that would arise (anyway, the words aren’t necessary, we both know). We have clear, defined boundaries for our friendship that we both respect and have chosen not to take things further. But if I could choose to be with anyone for the rest of my life, she would be it. She is one of the most amazing ppl anyone could ever hope to know. If there weren’t children involved I know she would be with me.

Problem is, I don’t see this ever changing. And my friends are having pretty serious marriage troubles (they are both nice ppl, but simply have grown apart as we all grew up). And I don’t know how much I’m contributing to their problems (hubby certainly knows we are close, but trusts us both & accepts we are friends). Her feelings for me certainly have her confused, I think. Breaking all contact w/her would be like cutting my own arm off & anyway, I’ve tried, unsuccessfully. I simply don’t want to not have her in my life. So I’ve learned to enjoy my friend’s company with some level of detachment & try not to hope for more. She even supports my endeavors to date others, though I think it hurts her a little to do this.

And so it remains. But what to do? It’s pretty clear our feelings aren’t going to change. It’s really becoming a question of personal beliefs on the meaning of life, happiness, commitment, and being true to one’s self. I mean, is there anyone out there who has had an experience remotely like this that found that being completely truthful ultimately led to the happiness of everyone involved? Isn’t it true that ppl change, make mistakes, and all that? Is it OK to admit this, even if it would cause some short-term pain? Is honesty ALWAYS the best policy? Or are we stuck forever settling for second best and enduring the choices we make when young as best we can? I can live with this (have been, will continue to) but my instincts all say this is wrong…

Please comment, in generals or specifics as you wish. And thanks.

[indigosoul]

Wow. Well, I think you either need to suck it up & admit you'd be stealing another guys wife (there's an ongoing thread on this topic, FYI) and DO it already or bow out completely. I mean, are you gonna whine for another 20 years or whatever?

Love is great, but it is NOT the be-all, end-all of everything. Some things (like raising functional children) are more important, IMO.

[Chlorine]

Galaxycrossed-----Feelings. They eat you up. You can choose to dwell on it, or choose to erase/cut it off somehow. You are dwelling on your feelings. You're allowing your feelings to fester, to create reasons as to why you should be with this woman.

This woman is married to another man. She's off the market.