Being in love with someone who fears commitment

[phobiaphobic]

First time posting. Writing helps me think and maybe someone in a similar situation can give me pointers.

I've been seeing an amazing woman for six months or so. And over the course of those months I've gone from being in love to loving her. Meanwhile, she started doubting being in love with me, and in turn doubting those doubts. So for the past weeks she hasn't been sure where it's going.

Based on what she's told me and what I know of her past she has a history of fear of commitment. She claims to prefer relationships that aren't defined, in other words seein someone like FWB. I've been there myself and I realized it didn't give me the emotional fulfillment I need. But she's also been in "impossible" relationships more than once and she's said that she recognizes this pattern of falling in love, then being unsure when things get serious and backing out.

She says she believes she has issues with commitment. And she's warned me of this and that she might change her mind. Claiming she's not as great as I view her, and that I'm overrating her. But this is not a "putting her on a pedestal" situation. I see her flaws as well as mine. They're part of he and she cannot disappoint me. And even now, I am not disappointed nor upset with her, merely frustrated with life for putting me in this situation.

At this point she says she doesn't think she can or will fall in love with me. Which is so inconsistent with how our first months were as we started out very strongly. I am thinking that maybe the allure of our relationship was that we live in different cities. But I recently quit my job and decided to spend more time and come stay with her. That was a bad move and I think it made things worse, not better. Had we talked about things and been more open I may have better adjusted to her need of independence and we'd found middle ground.

Furthermore, I feel that she's special. I'm past thirty and I think I can tell infatuation from love. I knew she was special from the first time I saw her. And talking to her reinforced that. She was everything I'd want in a woman, and we had enough in common and still enough diverse interests to learn from each other.

But I am looking for someone who can be that anchorpoint in my life. I expect my professional life to demanding very soon, much stress, high ambition and expectations and that means I need to be in a nurturing relationship. Having storms on both fronts is too much to handle at once. I am also open to the possibility that she may, for all her great qualities, not be what I need. I am trying to balance getting what I need but also allowing herself to be herself. Hold back my need of validation. I believe that when you love someone, you love them as a whole and I am also of the opinion that all great things take work and patience. Personally, I can give her more distance. I am not used to it but it's not a problem. She refused to accept that and she feels that I am comprising too much for her.

But she's also been clear that she wishes things were different, and she thinks I am a great guy. She just doesn't love me. At least that's what she tells me. Maybe it's something she just says to me as a way to make this easier for me to accept it. But I am inclined to give it some merit. Since at the same time, everything else is there. We have fun together, share interests and I believe we are both very happy with intimacy.

And I love her deeply. Accepting that she doesn't feel the same way has been hard. I've decided that I am not waiting this one out but moving on at some levels. I've promised myself to date and be out there.

After talking to my friends they all seem to agree that backing off is the best course of action. I think something that caused her to withdraw emotionally has been my desire to spend more time with her, while she has wanted more time apart. So I've fought my desire to stay in touch a lot. I am missing her now more than ever. So it's hard to back off and be cool. She needs to get on the road back and she needs to miss me. And I need to give her space to miss me.

But when she gets back to me I want to open a dialog about whether she really wants to be with me. If that's the case it's something we can work with. And perhaps roll back our relationship and go slower. This would be a way to open the issue of commitment and maybe it would offer the possibility to working it out together. But it requires her to want to be with me and be prepared to face her fears and not run away from them.

Life has a way of surprising you and something tells me this is just the first episode of the story of me and her. Life tends to twist and turn. I am a romantic and I try to practice unconditional love. It's hard sometimes but I strongly believe love conquers all. But it also takes two to tango.

[ttylox]

You can love her unconditionally all you want, but she has been clear with you that she doesn't feel the same way. You're trying to squint your eyes, look at the situation upside down and sideways and convince yourself that there is a possibility that she's putting on a front. To me, it sounds like she's been very honest with you - and you can either choose to continue dwelling on it, or you can go on with your life. It sounds like you know she's not right for you anyway, so what's the deal?

It's great that you recognize that she's special... and I know it must be terrible to see how special she is and not be able to work it out so that she's special AND yours. But that is a reality that it sounds like you're going to need to face. And good news: she's not the only special woman out there...

It sounds to me like she's lacking that chemical attraction to you - pheromones, if you will. You guys might be great together but she's just not into you romantically because your immune system isn't meshing with hers. I know, I know - that is just about the most unromantic thing on the planet, but in the end we're all human and we still have natural, animal instincts and chemical reactions in our brains are responsible for our emotions. You're not going to be able to force her to love you back, no matter how much you love her and no matter how much you twist and turn the situation to look like she loves you. In the end, you'll either end up driving her crazy from badgering her over this or you'll end up convincing her to be with you even though she doesn't love you.