Paranoia or instinct? Sorry it's long..

[tainted.doll]

I know this post is probably going to make me seem crazy but I don't know anyone here (as far as I know) so I'm just going to go for it! It is why I joined this site after all..

So, I have had anxiety in pretty much every respect since I was young child. I had separation anxiety with my parents, always worried they were in an accident if they were late, etc.) I also had some issues with friends when I was younger because I was always jealous of my best friend in junior high. She seemed to always get more attention from boys and it hurt me so much for some reason. I felt like I was less of a person or something. When I look back I remember a lot of instances where I'd feel like I was "left out" and so I'd sort of isolate myself and go off into a corner and sulk (so childish and I'm embarrassed as I recall this but unfortunately I think it's carried through to my adult years lol shameful, I know). This would always result in people not wanting to be around me for obvious reasons. I ended up losing my close friends in grade 7 and I'm sure it was for this exact reason because the girl I had been so close with sent me an e-mail stating that her mom advised it was not a good idea we remain friends.. I'm sure her mom saw how I would get jealous and bring everyone down.

Now in the present day, I'm 22 years old. I've had 5 long-term relationships since I was 16 ranging from 5 months - 2 and a half years. I'm currently in a relationship with a man who's 29 and we've been together for almost 5 months. This jealousy issue is a recurring theme in my relationships. It is a contributing factor to each one of my relationships ending. I just want to figure out how to end it for once and for all. So basically what happens is we will go out and party, usually with several of each of our friends and for some reason I always seem to notice him making eye contact with one of my friends a lot. This has happened with several of my friends. It's like he'll pay more attention to them or something. He'll always be engaged in conversation, and when they're not speaking he'll watch them (or I imagine it who knows). Then I'll go into this jealous fit and I'll almost like watch him and them to see if they keep flirting and making eye contact and if they seem interested in eachother. I have spoken about this with him before and he always tells me that I'm crazy and imagining things. Only once did I get some relief when I asked HIS friend if it seemed weird how he was acting with the girl. His friend said that he could see it too and that he thinks my boyfriend is trying to get a rise out of me so he told me to not let it get to me.

I know this is poorly written and I don't really know where I'm going with this I just don't know what to do. We are all going out this weekend and I want to try and be a normal girlfriend and not trying to find signs that he'll leave me.. I've heard time and time again that it's a self-fulfilling prophecy and my biggest fear right now is that I'll push him into the arms of another girl.

Is a therapist my only resolve with this issue? Is there anyone else who has dealt with these intense feelings of jealousy and if so how did you cope? And lastly.. is there any chance it's an actual gut instinct that makes me feel this way? I guess noone can really answer that but I'm just curious how most people feel about the whole instinct thing..

Oh and please don't call me crazy I already feel that way!

[HeartIsAching]

Yeah, you need a therapist. Your jealousy and anger stem from insecurity and fear, and you need to talk to someone about it.

You say that your jealousy was "a factor" in breakups... I'd give odds that it was the *primary* factor. Unless you like drama, and serial relationships, I'd suggest counseling. It's not a bad thing, it did me a world of good.

[tainted.doll]

Thank you for your reply I definitely don't like drama and it's incredibly embarrassing to act childish about such trivial things.. well, I guess therapy it is! I have actually gone to therapy once or twice and it was beneficial both times so I don't know why I didn't stick with it.

[zaccarus]

If you found therapy helped then you should definately go back and work through your issues & once they have been resolved you will be in a much better place. Good Luck!