Being TOO interested...

[Love'sReject]

If I was guilty of a love crime, it'd be being too eager. Well, back in my days of dating; I'm 22 and over the hill. I haven't the slightest chance of landing a date and that's not even really reflective of a defeatist personality so much as it is, coming to grips with reality.

So, as is the case with virtually all of my non-Intimate section questions, this is actually for the benefit of guys like me rather than my own personal gains so they can avoid being another me.

Anyway, so herein lies (or had lain?) the issue: being too eager. And I am the sort to readily disseminate between obsessive and just being plain too interested: I'd listen to every word, remember all the details and followed statistics but still get a little carried away with passion.

What is with you womens and not standing having a guy actually interested in you? Is it due to a history of being treated with disaffection that you have a safety zone of being treated with disaffection?

Your thoughts, please.

[bluesummer]

There's a difference in being interested and being obsessive.

I want to know that a guy is interested in me, but not that I'm his entire world. If I think that he is making me his entire world, I have to assume he really has no life otherwise. Which is terrifying.

[frampt2]

I have been reading this forum for a while, Love'sReject, I think it's kind of fun and a person can learn some stuff here and get a perspective.

From your previous posts it seems to me that you tend to over analyze everything, maybe that is your one fault. As time goes by, you start to worry about many possible outcomes, such as what if it shows that you have no expirience, what will your future girlfriend think if she knows she's your first, in this case: what if you seem to eager. Take it easy, a step at a time. Many people that you don't expect can find love do end up finding it on the end. It isn't THAT complicated, and 22 isn't old. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.

Ofcourse, maybe over analyzing is who you are, so it's difficult to change your nature. But you can always change some aspects of how you live that can make you feel better about yourself. Girls notice when you feel good about yourself.

Maybe you could take on a hobby, or do something like going to the gym, or learning to play the piano or guitar? Or anything you feel like doing. It would benefit you in many ways.

[Love'sReject]

I have been reading this forum for a while, Love'sReject, I think it's kind of fun and a person can learn some stuff here and get a perspective.

From your previous posts it seems to me that you tend to over analyze everything, maybe that is your one fault. As time goes by, you start to worry about many possible outcomes, such as what if it shows that you have no expirience, what will your future girlfriend think if she knows she's your first, in this case: what if you seem to eager. Take it easy, a step at a time. Many people that you don't expect can find love do end up finding it on the end. It isn't THAT complicated, and 22 isn't old. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.

Ofcourse, maybe over analyzing is who you are, so it's difficult to change your nature. But you can always change some aspects of how you live that can make you feel better about yourself. Girls notice when you feel good about yourself.

Maybe you could take on a hobby, or do something like going to the gym, or learning to play the piano or guitar? Or anything you feel like doing. It would benefit you in many ways.

Thank you for the kindly words.I'd say indeed that overanalyzing is too central to myself to give up; I mean, to try giving that up would be a complete fundamental change I don't think I could make successfully (maybe it's paranoia, if anything).

Unfortunately, through all the hobbies I had taken up over the years, including that which you listed, no matter what I do, it never works. Following the advice of all those whom I solicited has not culminated in one date in the 4 years that I've looked to others who are successful for guidance.

But like stated, I'm a lost cause so I think "too eager" is a topic that is a universal issue for other guys (and I suppose girls, too, but in my brief period of dating, I was invariably the eager one).

[searock]

Love's Reject, have you read bluesummer's reply? She is spot-on. No-one likes to be the center of another person's life, the only reason of their happiness, or anything of the sort. Especially if such other person isn't even one's romantic partner.

Do you have female friends? Sisters?

[Love'sReject]

Why, yes I have and I have thought over it considerably. But now that makes me think: naturally, when one is very enthusiastic, one can get somewhat carried away (but not to obsessive or compulsive levels, I mean). Women "hate games" yet one of those which just smacks a guy square in the jaw is that of "waiting a few days" to not seem carried away and to act like nothing she says is all that interesting when they are together. That's a game, in my opinion.

Uh, I don't even know. I'd say probably not, just a few acquaintances; I don't go out much anymore so I don't see any of these acquaintances in person at all.

[searock]

Women "hate games" yet one of those which just smacks a guy square in the jaw is that of "waiting a few days" to not seem carried away and to act like nothing she says is all that interesting when they are together. That's a game, in my opinion.

You're right, it is. Honesty and spontaneity are always the best options. Also, if you get over-enthusiastic, no matter how hard you try to cover it up, it will show. So not only you will be seen as kind of an obsessive guy, but also as a guy who plays games.

What you need to do is work on yourself. Why do you get so excited, to the point of being "too eager" and scaring people away? Once you get to the reason, you can work on keeping your enthusiasm in check.

[Love'sReject]

I'm too stupid to be a player; hopefully that would be evident if I get a chance ever again (looking increasingly unlikely but I digress).

I get so eager because I've perhaps romanticized it way too much; I mean, to me a loving relationship is the most important thing in the world. Everything else in my life is second to that. Besides, I had waited so long and put in more effort than others (so basically, invested so much, lost a lot and saw no gains or returns). With everything, related to relationships or not, I'm incredibly stubborn; I'd make a bad gambler because if I got into debt, I'd throw everything else in just to win back my losses, only racking up further debt.

Another example; I used to play this game that would PISS me off more than anything else in life. I'd outwork the CPU and still lose horribly. I'd spend hours just trying to score ONE f'n goal. I could not be content until I had.

[frampt2]

How does one define ''too eager'' anyway? Some people are introvert, some are more clingy, and there is no universal agreement on which kind of person is ''best''. Somebody's ''too eager'' is someone elses ''normal''.

Opinions will differ, and on the end they don't matter. It's your opinion that matters. Say, if a girl approached you and acted ''too eager'' would you find it repelling or cute? Who can tell.

It's your nature so it depends on the other person if they accept it or not.

You said you have tried a lot but still didn't get a date. I can see how that must be extremely frustrating. But it's too early to throw in the towel, man. I'd say you should atleast try to find a female friend if dates didn't work out. When you see that you can communicate with females the same way you can with others, you'll be more confident. Dating is a confidence game. Don't say stuff like you'll give up or you'll never find a date. There's much to gain and nothing to lose if you keep trying.

[JBG]

You're right, it is. Honesty and spontaneity are always the best options. Also, if you get over-enthusiastic, no matter how hard you try to cover it up, it will show. So not only you will be seen as kind of an obsessive guy, but also as a guy who plays games.

What you need to do is work on yourself. Why do you get so excited, to the point of being "too eager" and scaring people away? Once you get to the reason, you can work on keeping your enthusiasm in check.

I agree that its important to work on yourself as much as possible. Improve every mental and physical skill that you possibly can. Exercise, eat healthy, learn constantly...everything from math to guns to cooking. Many of these skills help you in your career, and your career gives you accomplishments and money. If Love's Reject looks anything like his avatar, he could start by buying Lasik from a good clinic. He can pay $3K and not have to worry about glasses for 25 years. This kind of thinking is win/win. He can simultaneously improve himself, learn good skills, make more money, and have more ways of interesting women.

Much as I love the 2nd thing you said, I really disagree with your 1st point. Honesty is the worst thing you can show in a relationship. It just exposes every weakness and vulnerability. It bores women. It invites contempt. It invites cheating. You can be just as charming and interesting, and completely protect yourself from that. Women can do it too when they date men, although its tougher for them because they feel more.

I love women and I love feeling close to them emotionally. That's why I have a wonderful, platonic female friend. We can talk all night, about anything. Relationships are just for sex and going out. Its up to you how you want to live your life, but I'd never try to mix the two.

[Gaylord Focker]

There's a difference in being interested and being obsessive.

I want to know that a guy is interested in me, but not that I'm his entire world. If I think that he is making me his entire world, I have to assume he really has no life otherwise. Which is terrifying.

Yup! As scary as a fat girl running low on cake!

[searock]

I love women and I love feeling close to them emotionally. That's why I have a wonderful, platonic female friend. We can talk all night, about anything. Relationships are just for sex and going out. Its up to you how you want to live your life, but I'd never try to mix the two.

I disagree. Your partner should also be your best friend. It's the only way a healthy relationship can last for decades, a lot of married couples will tell you that. And having sex with your best friend, whom you are attracted to and love, is about the best feeling in the world :-). Having someone who understands you and accepts you, whom you can talk for hours with and never get bored. That's who your partner should be.

There simply is no point in being in a relationship with someone if you aren't going to be honest with them. If you're just in it for the sex, it's not actually a relationship, it's a "friends"-with-benefits situation.

[JBG]

I disagree. Your partner should also be your best friend. It's the only way a healthy relationship can last for decades, a lot of married couples will tell you that. And having sex with your best friend, whom you are attracted to and love, is about the best feeling in the world :-). Having someone who understands you and accepts you, whom you can talk for hours with and never get bored. That's who your partner should be.

There simply is no point in being in a relationship with someone if you aren't going to be honest with them. If you're just in it for the sex, it's not actually a relationship, it's a "friends"-with-benefits situation.

I know you're European, but you don't mention what country your from. So I'll just use stats from America.

Looking at current trends, 40-50% of marriages in America will end in divorce.

divorcerate.org/

20% of men and 15% of women under 35 say they've been unfaithful. Look at all the people on this forum devastated by cheating.

Hundreds of thousands of people go to marital counseling every year. Two years after ending counseling, 25% of couples are worse off than they started. Four years after counseling, 38% are divorced.

hypnosis.edu/articles/marital-counseling

Divorce is a stressful, draining, embarrassing, time-consuming, and extremely expensive prospect. You lose your spouse, and you can also lose your savings, house, and friends.

Here's a neat little example from a divorced woman:

“I’ve had lawyers tell me that they’ve seen couples rack up $3,000 in legal fees because they spend their time in the lawyer’s office fighting over a $1,500 living room set."

cnbc.com/id/42767466/Divorce_Can_Cost_You_Over_And_Over

Given the problems with marriage and all the people on this forum agonizing over it, why would you ever do that to yourself? Maybe you're in a good marriage, but a lot of people on this forum aren't. It just invites disaster, and takes time/energy away from your career, projects, and health. Drop the time spend arguing about your marriage, and you'll have more time to make money, learn, exercise, and travel.

[JBG]

Not to mention more time for sex. If you aren't pleasing your partner, you can meet another one that you can please. It happens, and its not that big a deal. If you aren't pleasing your spouse, you're now stuck in a nightmare. Or she may get sick and lose her sex drive. Or she may get stressed, gain weight, hate her body, and lose her sex drive. I dated an older woman on/off for a while, and this is exactly what happened to her. And I couldn't help her understand that. I wanted to help her feel healthy and good about herself again, and she repaid that by blowing up at me all the time and saying I was the one making her feel bad. Sometimes you just have to wish your partner well and move on. Its not so easy to do that with a spouse...

[kageri]

Well, back in my days of dating; I'm 22 and over the hill. I haven't the slightest chance of landing a date and that's not even really reflective of a defeatist personality so much as it is, coming to grips with reality.

One of the funniest and most naive things I've heard. My grandfather still goes on dates. My great aunt who recently died had condoms not out of date in her dresser drawer when we cleaned out her house. I would have been about 24 when I was still dating and met my husband.