I feel like a jerk

[bob the brave]

A nice girl rejected a subtle show of interest from myself in favor of another guy. I remained friendly, joking with her daily to show there were no hard feelings, but cut the conversations short to respect her space. The other guy is kind of a bully and a player and would cut me down whenever he could in front of her to try to win her over. He also already had another girl friend for which he was the father of her two children (although not married) he was living with. Once he won this other girl over, he came to me to boast of his expoits because he knew I had liked her and he wanted to stroke his ego and asert himself as alpha male.

A year went by in which this girl was nice to me put pretty much treated me like yesterdays corn beef. Then she suddenly realized what a **** this guy is and came running to me complaining this guy is a zero and wanted to know if i still cared for her? I did care, but I was hurt and I felt like I would be a door mat if I just consoled her, so I simply said no real cool like I was selling insurance and changed the subject. She seemed surprisingly upset by this. I struggled for days wondering if I should tell her my true feelings but, given her actions (she knew I was a 'nice' guy and still fell for this guy's chest pounding even though she knew he already had a gf) i felt that no matter what she said or how upset she seemed, my feelings for her really couldn't possibly matter to her. So, I said nothing more.

My probelm is I feel like a jerk. I was too close to the situation, my feelings and ego were hurt and I let my pride make me say something that wasn't true in a not very nice way. (I didn't say anything mean, I just was curt and didn't give her a chance to explain). We all make mistakes, and maybe I should have listened. Do you think I did the right thing or was I a jerk?

[searock]

You weren't a jerk (you had no obligation to help this girl, you weren't even friends), but you were a liar.

[smackie9]

She is innocent really, she thought you were her friend, and you only treated her nice because you wanted to get with her, so who is really using who here? She was involved in a relationship, of course she is going to be focused on that...it's normal. Her choice to go out with him wasn't a personal stab at you. Yes I agree YOU let your feelings and ego get hurt, she is not to blame here. If you want to clear the air with her, tell her you had to distance yourself because you always had feelings for her. Even if she doesn't reciprocate, at least she will understand.

[HeartIsAching]

Yeah, you were a jerk. You should've told her the truth:

I did care, but I was hurt and I felt like I would be a door mat if I just consoled her,

i felt that no matter what she said or how upset she seemed, my feelings for her really couldn't possibly matter to her.

And let her talk to you about it frankly and honestly.

It may not be too late, however. Now you need to tell her this:

My probelm is I feel like a jerk. I was too close to the situation, my feelings and ego were hurt and I let my pride make me say something that wasn't true in a not very nice way. We all make mistakes, and maybe I should have listened.

Let us know how it goes.

[Love'sReject]

Then she suddenly realized what a **** this guy is and came running to me complaining this guy is a zero and wanted to know if i still cared for her?

Did everyone else just totally miss this?

So you were a "doormat" and worse, a "Plan B." What a bitch!

[bob the brave]

She is innocent really, she thought you were her friend, and you only treated her nice because you wanted to get with her, so who is really using who here? She was involved in a relationship, of course she is going to be focused on that...it's normal. Her choice to go out with him wasn't a personal stab at you. Yes I agree YOU let your feelings and ego get hurt, she is not to blame here. If you want to clear the air with her, tell her you had to distance yourself because you always had feelings for her. Even if she doesn't reciprocate, at least she will understand.

1) Of course I wanted to use her. I was attracted to her personality first and invisioned a potential relationship with all the trimmings. I respected her and sincerely wanted to be her friend and lover. He only wanted sex. He was married. She knew that.

2) I believe it was a personal stab at me because I made an advance, she said no because I was too short (5'9" she is 5'7") and then directly hooked up with a married player, placed her head on his shoulder in front of me and called him her buddy. Then later, he came into my office when she was not around got right up in my face and said, "I screwed her and there is nothing you can do about it." just to stroke his ego. He did not respect me or her. If you cared about someone like this, and this happened to you how could you not let your ego get hurt and still be breathing?

Even though I had and still have feelings for this girl, I had to realize they were misplaced at least in my case. How could anyone that treats you like this possibly really care? So, I figured her ego was hurt and she knew I was a nice, safe guy that could help mend it. I guess I just failed to be a big enough person.

Yeah, I think it's understandable, but I was a jerk.

[smackie9]

I can tell you why theses things happen to you....because you don't stand up for yourself...you are too passive, and a doormat....you lose.