How do I get him to understand?

[yupyupyup]

I am having an issue in which my boyfriend wants me to quit the work I do (writing freelance) in order to "get a job" because he does not feel that it "makes enough money".

It's true that I have made less lately. What I would like him to understand is that I can and do make enough money but I need him to LEAVE ME ALONE so I can do my work. He has always worked FOR someone and I have largely worked for MYSELF so I can understand his not knowing what it's like to be on my side of things.

He also feels my work takes too much attention away from him. Once again, I understand his perspective but my work requires me to be focused and driven. I have been trying to relate to him that self-employment is a LIFESTYLE not a "9-5, punch your time-card and leave at the end of the day" endeavor. Every aspect that would come with any other type of employment rests with me. I have to find my work, chase it down at times and network. I am the legal department, HR and tech support. I don't have an issue doing this. It works for me, I have a good client base that I fill in with other jobs, I am good at what I do and I have been at it for seven years. Before I met him, it supported me and two children in a coastal town where the cost of living is three times higher than the area I am in now (until a hurricane came blowing through, that is). The difference is, I didn't have someone throwing a fit at me like I do now and threatening to "get his attention somewhere else" if I don't start paying attention to him immediately.

I need him to understand-- I cannot split my attention. I know that I am 'home' each day but I cannot bring money in AND be his goat on a tether at the same time. Yes, there are days when I can pack it in early and do other things. But not every day. I cannot stop what I am doing to run to the store or make someone a sandwich any more than I could expect someone at an onsite place of employment to stop what they were doing and come make ME a sandwich. Especially when I am on a deadline. He is most certainly not last on the list but he seems to view it this way just because I can't drop what I'm doing to accommodate him. I just want him to stop panicking. I need his encouragement, not his threats. I don't want this to affect my work, even though it is, and I am becoming resentful. He does not get that if I am fighting about my work with HIM then I am not concentrating on the work that makes sure we eat. It's that simple.

And quite honestly, even though he is laid off at the moment, I seriously doubt I could ask the same thing of him. I couldn't even dream of ever expecting someone to quit their employment just so that I could get more attention. This is MY profession. I built it from ground up and it is MINE. I didn't just fill out an application to do this like I was taking a job as a waitress somewhere. My craft is something that I continually educate myself on and that people pay for-- and he wants me to go work at the Subway around the corner! It doesn't even make any fiscal sense for me to go to a minimum wage job.

I strongly suspect that he has Borderline Personality Disorder and know that those with BPD tend to see everything in black and white. In his mind, I need to do this or we are over. I think this is stupid and he is throwing the baby out with the bathwater because we DO get along exceptionally well. It's just... I don't think he has the right to ask me to give up something that was mine and has been mine since before I knew him. This is WHAT I DO. However, he can't seem to work it through his head that what he is asking me to do is rude and unrealistic. I do know that he is sensitive about his lack of education compared to mine and suspect, especially without a job right now and his lack of prospects, he may feel intimidated and/or have regrets that he never went after more than what he did in life. That shouldn't mean I have to lower myself and my standards to make him feel better!

I'm all for working out some kind of compromise but with him, it's 'his way or the highway'. It does not make me feel that I am part of a couple. What I am beginning to feel is that I am a caretaker to a 38 year old toddler. I understand he needs attention but I also need my space to do what I do and, unlike him, I do not use threats for him to 'leave me alone or else'.

At first he was proud of what I did. Now, all he does is bitch about it. He says he likes and prefers 'independent women' but from what I see, that's not the case. This is all about him-- and his 'not getting enough attention'. He doesn't stop to think what he's making me feel and... well, it makes me want to kick his face in. And to boot, he talks about wanting to be his own boss, too! Really?

I know there is a solution. What can I say to him, or is there a better way to get through to him, that will help him understand that what he is asking is rather unreasonable? I feel like this is getting so ridiculous, it's almost embarrassing. I shouldn't have to fight for something that is mine that I built for myself. I try to gauge where his insecurity is coming from but all he ever does is get defensive and barricade himself from any real effective communication. Then he tells me it's my fault that nothing gets solved. But solved in what way? Because I won't give up my profession to go into the food-service industry?

Regardless of what this all may sound like, I KNOW he is not fundamentally evil. Stubborn, yes. Evil, no. I'm just lost at how to convey my side of things to him.

[IndiReloaded]

Possibly controlling tho. Of course, one must eat. Why can't you get a job that pays the bills and write on the side. That's what many writers do.

[yupyupyup]

As I stated earlier, this has been my main source of income for seven years. If it were not enough to fully support myself and two children then I would be doing something different. He was fine with what I did until he lost his own job and apparently feels he'll just harass me into quitting mine so he won't feel so bad, I guess. I don't know. But I've worked for this, made my way and that is not easy to do in the field I am in. I am one of the lucky few who managed to turn writing into something viable. I am invested. Expecting me to "walk away" is utterly insulting after all the work I have done to get where I am-- and all because he's "not getting enough attention"?

What if I were to ask him to quit his job for the same reason? I would be called a "crazy, selfish bitch".

[smackie9]

If you managed ok before on your own...then maybe you should be doing it again.

[basilandthyme]

yupyupyup, he doesn't care what your side is. He thinks he's right and that's the end of it as far as he's concerned. As they say, none is so blind as he who will not see.

Why would you choose to lumber yourself with someone who wants to bully you out of the job you do, has possible BPD and is as demanding as a toddler? Can't you do better? Quite frankly, when it comes to the decision of 'his way or highway', the highway sounds like a preferable option.