we live together but i want to end the relationship...what do i do?

[elphie]

So I posted in here previously trying to figure out how you know if someone is right for you or not. Well, last night there was a moment where I realized that I'm not going to be happy in my current relationship where it stands now. My boyfriend, who I'm currently living with, came home from visiting with family; we were talking and got into IRAs (which for anyone who doesn't know, is a retirement plan). He seems to know quite a bit about them cause of work, whereas I know next to nothing about them, so in an attempt to educate myself, I asked a series of questions about them to learn as much as possible. After a long conversation, he joked about I owed him x amount cause that was his hourly rate. He went on to say he hated talking about stuff like this (taxes, IRAs, money matters) with family and loved ones because he learned too much about them. I asked him what he learned about me, thinking it wouldn't be much other than that I cared about my future and was trying to be responsible and plan. His reply was that I don't make any money. How does asking more info about an IRA translate to I don't make any money? We never got into specific numbers, other than the maximum amount you can put into an IRA. I do freelance work, and he commented that at a "real" job, you have a 401 K, and that most companies match the amount of money you put into one. For the last couple of months, he's been really pushing for me to find a corporate job so I make more money and have health benefits, even though when we talked about moving in together, he said that I would be able to focus on my freelance career (which has been growing since I first started, slowly, but growing; and it's something that takes times). Meanwhile, he's considering changing jobs, possibly even careers, and maybe even going back to school because his current job doesn't make him happy; and the whole time, I've been supportive of him.

What I realized after our conversation is that I don't feel comfortable talking to him about making plans for the future. Instead of being able to talk to my boyfriend about finding an IRA, I'm either going to have to do it by myself or ask my family and/or friends for suggestions/advice instead. And that's not what I want out of a relationship. I want someone I feel comfortable sharing stuff with and who wants to listen, offer advice, and be supportive. So here's where the dilemma comes in. If we were just dating and I realized this, I would just end things now. Unfortunately, we are living together in a one bedroom that we just rented a couple months ago, that neither of us can stay in on our own. Do I wait to bring it up? Or do I go ahead and say something now? The timing is pretty terrible right now too given that the next couple of months have a lot of holidays (which take away days to be able to look for apartments and pack, not to mention there are very minimal options, and now because of Hurricane Sandy, so many people are homeless and looking for apartments, it's going to be very difficult to find something, especially in my budget).

[dem862]

You make it sound like you are stuck there. If that is actually the case, then you can either try to make it work with this man, or you can be miserable.

[Wakeup]

I'm slightly confused as to why this conversation was the straw that broke the camels back. Why don't you just go to the bank, find out all you can about retirement plans and how you can start your own on what you currently make and stop being so dependent on him? I'm sure if you actually did that, started your own retirement savings plan and then told him about it, he'd be impressed with the fact that you can indeed, function without relying on him for your next move. You could do that or you could tell him you're going to the bank to set up a RSP and he's welcome to come along if he likes.

This conversation you had with him surely is not the problem. There are deeper issues with you and him though and that is what you need to address with him. You live with him. That's a commitment and you owe him a chance to redeem what it is that you are fed up with. It doesn't sound like you have communicated with him at all that you're unhappy. At least let him know whats going on in your mind so that he at least (if you and the relationship mean something to him) is fully informed and can try to remedy.

Have you discussed with him any of your discontent?