What's going on here? Break up but not a break up

[Christinepaul]

I'm not sure which category to post this under, but it couldn't hurt to get a male perspective on this.

My boyfriend broke up with me two weeks ago (We're both 20). There were a few reasons, (drama with his best friends, his parents, some depression, stress about money/life) and he decided he needed to be alone for a while. We had only been together for a little while, so it was still a new relationship, which was more than he was able to handle along with everything else. Within the next few days, he initiated chats with me on facebook, looked at my dating profile a few times, texted me to see how I was....all of that. He has said several times that he still really likes me, he just doesn't know what he wants and wants to make sure he does before starting anything again. *Since this sounded like a cop-out to me (because seriously what does that even mean), I told him not to come back unless he's serious about it, he agreed that was fair, and he's been sticking to that, making it obvious that he knows that's what I want and wont go there until he can

The last time we talked, he asked if I didn't want to talk to him anymore, and I said that we could be friends later maybe. I didn't hear from him for a week after that. I assumed by this point that I would never hear from him again, at least as more than friends, and then yesterday he messages me saying he misses my voice and misses me in general. I asked how he's been and he said, "Awful, sick, and lonely." I ended up telling him he made his decision. He responded basically saying that he thought we could get back together if he gets his sh1t together. For some reason I didn't really answer that with anything other than reminding him that he said we should talk in a month, and it's only been two weeks. I could have pressed him for more info I guess, but I don't want to push him. I'd rather he take the initiative and do something, as he was the one that broke up with me. but now I just feel like he is starting to take initiative (it's not like him to say he misses me at all) and I'm just pushing him back. I don't want him to think there's no chance now.

The way we broke up was definitely left open for getting back together in the future, and was amiable. almost mutal. We both knew he wasn't being much of a boyfriend at the moment and it wasn't fair to me. While he says "awful sick and lonely" I know that a lot of the drama that was going on then is cleared up mostly. He and his roommate/best friend were at each others' throats at the time. And the money issues too are starting to work out. I mean, I didn't actually expect him to get stuff worked out, I sort of thought he was just losing interest in me when we broke up and didn't have the balls to tell me, but I'm starting to question that now. You would think he would drop contact if that were the case. It's not like we were long time friends before dating.

So what do you think? Does he actually miss me or is he just missing being in a relationship? I don't know if I should contact him first now, or let him, again, contact me. How do I balance making him work for it (ugh, that sounds horrible) and making sure he knows I'm still open to him? Why are men so confusing?

[RipVanWinkleX]

How long did you know him before dating? Because you said it was still a new relationship. Is he someone you want to be with? Sounds like he is lonely; but I have no idea if he misses you or if he just wants to be in a relationship. That's something you will have to ask him. He did say he is not sure what he wants, so I would take that as a good thing since he is being honest.

He is certainly going up and down in his emotions. He sounds Bi-polar. I used to be borderline Bi-polar myself, but I take medicine to help smooth myself out. Does he see a doctor?

In the end it's what YOU want. Not him. If you do want to get back together, you are going to have to help him with his emotions.

[haxan]

We only give women excuses like that when we've lost interest or are not interested. If he doesn't find someone else, he may come back looking for you, but why would you want that? Don't settle for someone who doesn't want you around because life is 'busy'. Life is always busy.

[Mme Desgranges]

He's not into you, he was just bored and lonely one day so he flipped through his list of chicks and texted them all. You responded.

Forget him.

[Christinepaul]

three days in a row though? he reached out to me the next day too saying that he missed me and to please let him be with me again. do guys not cut off contact if they don't want a relationship? why does he keep telling me he still likes me? he knows I'm not gonna be fwb or anything so i highly doubt it's about sex.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Tell him not to contact you for any reason other than to get back together. If he contacts you again, ask him immediately if he wants to get back together. If his answer is anything but a resounding yes, hang up on him. End of confusion, end of problem.

[haxan]

do guys not cut off contact if they don't want a relationship?

Not if they're bored. You were right about it being a cop out, so stop trying to go against what your gut is telling you.

[Christinepaul]

this may be a dumb question, but what do you mean by bored? i'd understand if it was a one time or once in a while thing when he's alone at a party or drunk at 3 am, but why was he telling me he still liked me the day after breaking up with me, then the week after and still now, almost three weeks later telling me he wants to get back together? He was instantly bored enough to contact me after he was single for 12 hours? I could see if after a while he wasn't finding another girl to date and thought he'd come "see what I was up to", but this is different than what i'm used to. Not once have I initiated contact since the day we broke up, he's doing this

[BackUpOrGetStng]

He feels guilty. He knows he hurt you. If he still wanted to date you, he would be. Stop rationalizing, start moving on. For what ever reason, he wanted some attention, and you gave it. Stop making it more than it is.

[haxan]

this may be a dumb question, but what do you mean by bored?

No, good question.

Bored, meaning he got away from you for two weeks and didn't find or get what he was looking for. Now, he wants you back. Two weeks for a guy with no pussy is nothing. Two weeks for a guy who had pussy to be w/out it, is a lifetime. Hence his constant yammering to get back with you.

What do you think, he spent two weeks at 20 yoa soul searching and finally realized you're the one?

He wanted/wants to replace you, it didn't work out. There'll be a next time if you go back.

[Christinepaul]

see, that's more along the lines of what I thought, that there was another girl that he thought he might have a chance with and it didn't happen. EXCEPT how he was saying he liked me THE DAY AFTER breaking up with me. then a week after saying he missed me a lot. That doesn't seem like enough time for him to be desperate for a girl again. Was that most likely to "keep me on the line"? Do guys actually consciously do that?
Also, we weren't having sex yet. Now I'm sure some of you are going to say he wanted sex and left to find it somewhere else, but he knew we were getting really close and we had been... progressing towards it pretty rapidly, lol. So I don't know if your two week theory works in this case.

And god no, I don't think he soul searched and found I'm the one. We weren't together long enough for that to be the case. I think I would be terrified if he got that serious already.

Don't worry about me going back. I'm just interested in understanding his mentality at this point, lol.

[haxan]

Don't take every word literally, pussy can mean sex or just the day to day companionship of a regular girlfriend.

His mentality, you have it nailed. He wanted to distance himself from you to either see what was out there, or perhaps pursue someone in particular. It either wasn't that exciting or didn't work out and he's back to get you again.

Not too complicated.