Guys, will he come back? long story!

[imadesklamp]

This is very long and I apologize. My ex and I dated for 14 months and we were best friends for a year and a half before we started dating; we broke up a little over two weeks ago. He was completely and totally obsessed with me the entire time we were best friends, but I always refused to give him any chances. I almost did three times, but I left him every time. I finally decided to give him a chance, and we had a wonderful relationship (for the most part). I never expected to fall in love with him, but I did, and I fell really hard. And the best part is, I know he was in love with me (and still is).

We began having problems around August when he had said that he doesn't feel the same about some things anymore such as wanting to see me every day and wanting to live with me. We were young, so there was no way that was going to happen in the first place, but it kind of hurt me that he would just change his mind like that. I kind of lost trust in him after that, and he definitely noticed. He broke it off with me a month later telling me that he can't give me the commitment that I want and he feels like I would never be happy with him. He made it obvious that he was miserable without me and he told him friends how stupid of a mistake he made, so I contacted him a week after we broke up telling him that I would lay off with the commitment stuff and that I would be happy with him and trust him. We got back together and everything went great for a while.

The beginning of November is when things started getting bad again. We found ourselves talking about marriage and staying together forever, and we were both happy about it. He always told me how he thinks I'm his soul mate and he told me he knows he's in love with me. He then decided that he didn't want to talk about these things anymore (marriage, forever) because he doesn't want to do this with a high school relationship (we dated his entire senior year in high school but he is now graduated and I'm still a senior), although he does still want them. I didn't understand why and I was reluctant to accepting this at first, but I did anyways. He told me two days before Thanksgiving, "One thing I do know that I will do forever is love you because I love you too much to stop. I love you enough and you love me enough to make everything right again. I won't give up". That hit me really hard and it gave me hope again.

However, on Thanksgiving, I made a mistake. I told him that I still wanted to be with him forever and that upset him saying "I thought we weren't going to talk about this". I told him that's still what I wanted and I kept asking him if that's what he wanted, but he refused to actually say it and that confused me. I told him I would take that as a no and he said "Of course you would say that. You always expect the worst out of me". The next day, he broke up with me saying that he can't handle a relationship right now and he doesn't know if we would get back together or not when he's ready. He told me he has no intentions of getting with other girls during this time, as that's not what he wants (he's not that type of guy) and he wouldn't hurt me like that. He said that if I find someone who makes me happy before he contacts me, then I should go with them because he wants me to be happy and he really feels like he's not worth it.

I called him two days after we broke up (this was a huge mistake, I know) and told him this was all my fault and I was sorry for taking our relationship for granted and not being happy like I should have been. I said we really need to talk everything out at some point. I said there is a lot that I need to change about myself before we start dating again, and I apologized for the way I acted. He responded a few hours later saying he doesn't know what to say to me (which is understandable) and he said that "we'll see if and when the time comes" in response to we need to talk about everything.

I contacted him about a week and a half later and said I hope he was doing well and everything. I was really shocked that he was willing to talk to me. He told me he doesn't know how he's feeling, nor does he really care because he doesn't care about how he feels (he has incredibly low self-esteem and doesn't like himself very much). I asked if he still loved me and that he we would get back together at some point and he said "I do still love you, but I can't be with you because I can't handle a relationship right now. I don't know if we will get back together or not". I told him that I would wait for him and that I'm always here for when he's feeling down or if he needs someone to hold and tell him it's alright and he had said "I can't really wrap my head around why, after all of the crap that I have done to you, you would still say something like that to me. I don't deserve that kind of treatment. And I'm not worth waiting for because I'm not worth much of anything. I think you're wasting your time on someone you think matters, but doesn't". I reminded him about how I made him wait for a year and a half and how he kept returning to me even though I played him countless time, and I had asked if he felt like I was a waste of time because of that and he said "Obviously not". I said that he should know how I feel and he just said "I guess".

The last text I sent him was along the lines of how he deserves every ounce of my love and that I will always love him, and he shouldn't hesitate to contact me at any point because I would drop everything to see him again. I told him that this will be the last text I send him, but if he doesn't contact me before the New Year, then I would contact him again a little after that to see where his thoughts are on everything. He didn't respond, but I didn't expect him to.

All of his friends and family are extremely confused and disappointed as to why he broke up with me because he apparently had nothing but nice things to say about me all the time. Even his friend's families loved me! I really just hope that at that point he will still love me because I still have so much to say to him, and I know we can work everything out. But I don't know.. Am I doing the right thing by waiting? Is he going to come back?

[smackie9]

let me tell you about this thing called the "honeymoon stage" of a relationship. It's the infatuation period of a relationship that lasts between 6 months to a year and a half. This is where feelings explode, there's talk of marriage and kids, a future together, and you just can't get enough of each other. BUT this stage ends, the intense romantic feelings fade, and this is the time you really see where you are at. Some fall into a comfortable deep love, others the feelings just drop off completely, and for some the feelings fade and cause confusion. I believe this is where he is at. He loves and cares deeply for you but isn't in love with you. He does deeply care for you, that is why this has been so difficult for him to let go. He needs time to sort his feelings out if he still is in love with you or not. I know you want some kind of answers but you won't get it if you keep telling him you will wait. The only way to get an answer is to give him a firm ultimatum. You should tell him if he doesn't work things out with you by January 1st. then he is to never contact you again and that it is truly over, no more playing games.

[imadesklamp]

He loves and cares deeply for you but isn't in love with you.

That's kind of difficult to answer. I sat him down a week before we broke up and I had asked him if he's in love with me and he looked me straight in the eye and said "Yes", knowing there is a difference between being in love and just love.

You should tell him if he doesn't work things out with you by January 1st. t hen he is to never contact you again and that it is truly over, no more playing games.

I don't necessarily agree with that, as I don't want to force an answer out of him when he's not ready. I plan on asking him if he's still in love with me and if he says yes, then I will ask if we can meet in person to sort everything out. If he says no, then that is that. But I do agree that I shouldn't be waiting forever.

[smackie9]

Tip* people will hide the truth behind a lie.

[imadesklamp]

What do you mean?

[smackie9]

He told you that as to not hurt you. His absence says that he is afraid to tell you what is really going on, that is why the ultimatum is so important.

Just my feeling, you do whatever.

[imadesklamp]

He knows that his absence is hurting me more than anything and that I desperately want to work everything out, so I don't really think he is afraid of hurting me, really. He told me he just doesn't know what he wants at the moment, which is why he's telling me he "doesn't know if we will get back together or not". That's why I'm giving him some time for now. But maybe you are right about the ultimatum. I will ask if he's still in love with me or not, and that he needs to be honest.

[smackie9]

Him not really telling you what is going on with the fact that he is insecure, would explain everything. The dude has no balls, and the more you let him know you will wait, the more he is going to avoid you.

[smackie9]

From experience when someone becomes unsure of the relationship, it usually means they have another opportunity and that means they like someone else OR they feel that they are missing out and want to know what else is out there.

[imadesklamp]

From experience when someone becomes unsure of the relationship, it usually means they have another opportunity and that means they like someone else OR they feel that they are missing out and want to know what else is out there.

I know for a fact that isn't true in my case. He never talked to any girls the entire time we dated because he simply didn't want to or feel the need to, and he told me and his friends that he doesn't want to be with me or any girl in general for a long time. He can be a very secluded person sometimes, and he needs time to himself.

Yes, he is extremely insecure and it can be a problem. When i talked to him a few days ago, he told me how he doesn't deserve the nice treatment I'm giving him and that he's worthless and he's not worth the wait, blah blah blah. It gets really frustrating, honestly.

[smackie9]

To be honest, someone who is like that wouldn't be suitable as a husband. Marriage is no picnic, it's a lot of hard work...you can't have a husband that goes and hides when things get tough, especially when you have the welfare of your children and a mortgage on the line.

[imadesklamp]

I agree with that. It annoys me so much that he runs away when things are tough, but I suppose he had a good reason to. We were fighting for almost a straight week and he told me he wouldn't give up, but I guess he just couldn't take it anymore. He told his friends I was "too future oriented" and he couldn't handle that and
"we were arguing a lot and it made him realize he's not ready for a relationship".

When he broke up with me, he said he has a lot of growing up to do before we could ever date again, if we even do, and he would let me know when he's ready. I guess that's why he said he can't handle being with me or anybody right now.

[smackie9]

If that is the case then you need to put your needs ahead of his. You shouldn't make anymore sacrifices to someone who can't get their shit together. You deserve better, and better is out there, just not him.

[imadesklamp]

I agree with that.. But I just don't want to be with anybody else because I just can't picture it. I had told him this and he said "That's the difference between us right there. You don't want to be with anybody else, I don't want to be with anybody at all. That's just the way it is right now".

I really do have a feeling he will come back one he gets everything sorted out, but not right now. As much as I love him, I don't think we could be in a happy relationship with each other at the moment. He's confusing as hell and I hate it, but he's a really loving and incredible guy who really showed that I mattered. It's kind of ridiculous and silly, I know, but I always just end up giving him the benefit of the doubt.

[smackie9]

Just remember this....if you give everything up for him, your true soul mate may have just walk pasted you. A broken heart is blind.