I think my ex still has feelings for me and I'm not sure what to do.

[Kingswood]

I could really do with some advice about a situation I'm in. A co worker and I started hanging out with each other outside of work. We ended up dating for a month and it was fantastic if a bit tiring as we were up until late most nights. Unfortunately I don't want children and he did so we agreed to end it and stay friends. We still both really cared for each other and still do.

We've been hanging out with each other since we split up. Some times he'd visit me up to four times a week. We'd still been holding hands and hugging each other a lot. If we're out walking somewhere he'll reach for my hand so he can hold it. Over the last week we've been gently flirting with each other, basically by saying things and sending texts that could be read innocently but could also be read in a more provocative way, considering that we both tend to talk to each other in innuendo it seems likely that his replies to my texts are likely to have been meant in the innuedno way.

Yesterday we ended up kissing each other. Then we spent the rest of the day kissing each other and holding each other until it led to other things. While I was cooking he'd wrap his arm round me and hold me. He also told me how a fellow co worker had said to him earlier last week that everytime he looked at me he looked like he wanted to give me a big hug. I asked him if she was right and he'd wanted to give me a big hug and he said yes. I asked him what else he wanted and he didn't answer (I've asked him questions before and when he's enjoying something he tends to not answer).

Now bear in mind that this man is 41 years old, still lives with his parents, has never lived on his own and I was his first girlfriend. So he was on quite a steep learning curve and has never had to deal with being in a relationship before.

Annoyingly I have it really bad for him, I just want to spend time with him and chat to him, and he seems to be the same. Now obviously I'm aware that he could just be enjoying being with me as he's never had anyone before and just enjoys the odd occasion when it progresses to more than hand holding. Though knowing him I honestly don't believe he's the type to do that. Though he may still want children and be unwilling to imagine a life without children. Before anyone suggests that I may change my mind I was 12 when I came to the realisation that I was childfree, I gave myself 18 years to change my mind before I asked to be sterilised. I was sterilised 3 years ago when I was 30. My desire to have children will never change, hence why it was an issue. However I'm aware others can change their minds.

So I'm thinking about approaching him and asking about what he wants. He seems to still want to be with me, but could he cope with never having children. I don't know if he's been thinking about it. He may have come to the conclusion that he could cope never having children, equally he may still feel that having children is more important. The trouble is I don't know what he's been thinking and I have a feeling that even if he'd changed his mind he wouldn't say anything. I don't want to lose him as a friend, equally though I just want to know so I can either move on or start dating him again. I know I must sound like a daft lovestruck fool, and honestly I feel like that. I still feel very deeply for him and the more I get to know him the more I want to be with him. We get on so well and the way he behaves towards me makes me feel like he still wants to be with me. However because of his inexperience I don't think he'd say anything even if he did want to get back togehter.

So how do I broach this subject? Should I broach this subject? What should I say and do I do it in person or by email so he has time to think about what he wants without pressure? Or am I just being monumentally stupid?

[basilandthyme]

Kingswood, I'm just going to throw an idea out at you. If you and he can't communicate easily, then perhaps there's not a future for you anyway. You see, I'm seeing the red flags not in the issue of having children, but in the area of communication.

[Kingswood]

Our communication is actually pretty good it's just that he's not used to having to communicate so it can take a bit of work. I just mentioned that one instance of him not saying anything as I've found that when he's enjoying himself he doesn't always answer, as this is what he told me when I mentioned it in the past. We've had an argument a few weeks ago (we're writing a book together so artistic differences are to be expected) and the way we dealt with it was good. When he was talking I listened and when I spoke he listened. We reaffirmed our friendship the very same day. Admittedly on the day after I felt down as it had brought up issues from my childhood. So I explained it to him via email (I'm better at expressing myself through words as it gives me time to fully express myself) he got worried and gave me space when really I needed to talk to him. But again we got it sorted and worked through it. We discovered a great deal about the way each of us thinks and communicates that day. We both have slightly different ways of expressing ourselves so we're currently learning how to communicate best with each other. I believe we have a healthy way of approaching dissagreements and we both learn from them. Don't forget that he has never had to express himself to someone in this way before. And in the past when he's spoken to his parents about his depression they didn't take him seriously, that's bound to affect how able someone is to open up.

The fact is though that he's disscussed a great many personal things with me including about his depression in the past. I agree that the comunication isn't ideal at the moment but he's improving a lot so I'm actually not too worried about the communication side of things. As that's something that will improve as the two of us learn more about each other. Equally I've always felt able to speak to him openly and honestly. I've discussed things with him that I've never said to anyone else. We've had ups and downs yet we always come through it with a stronger friendship as we will discuss things and how they've affected us. Sometimes we do it in person, sometimes by email depending on what will work best at the time.

This is actually part of the reason why I still want to be with him. We talk things through and the time we did fight we had a fairly healthy way of dealing with it. I'm well aware relationships are hard and require work. I'm also aware that due to his lack of experience I may sometimes have to tread a bit more carefully. Equally though he's a very sensitive, caring person who's shown that he listens and is willing to improve and take my feelings into account as well as his.

[IndiReloaded]

Why does he still live at home? That sounds a bit creepy to me unless he has a very good reason (not just financial).

[Kingswood]

He's suffered from a lot of depression due to being bullied by people at school, previous workplaces and his brother as well as his job causing him depression. His brother R used to constantly tell him that everything he liked was stupid. His brother even told his neice, whom he adores, that he was a baby because he collects action figures (he's a geek but then there are weirder hobbies like showing guinea pigs - I spent 7 years doing that lol) and that really upset him. When he tried to discuss his depression with his parents they didn't take him seriously and in fact made it more about them than him. So he was then unable to discuss his depression and suicidal thoughts properly with them. The older he got without having dated anyone the more he started feeling like no one would want him, he also believed that because he didn't earn a lot of money that no one would want him. Over a year ago though things changed and he's feeling much happier at work, is going out more and is just generally happier.

I can fully understand where he's coming from having experienced bullying, depression and suicidal thoughts when I was younger. I also understand how hard it can be to open up to people when people haven't listened to you in the past.

Also the way his parents treat him doesn't help. They still treat him like a child at times instead of as an adult lodging with them, which isn't going to help him. He'd started comfort buying to give him something to do so his room is a bit cluttered. However his parents are more derogatory about his things and keep moaning at him to get rid of it all. Having been in a position where my house was in a mess due to my ex and a bout of depression (caused by the ex) I'm aware of how hard it can be to break the cycle. However he's now starting to sort out his stuff and has gotten rid of a lot of his comics and videos. As I've been helping him to see it differently and been non judgemental about his collecting.

I'm aware that there are many things that don't sound good. I will admit if I'd come across his profile on a dating site I'd have run a mile. However having gotten to know him through work I can see past all that and am aware of how hard it can be. If my Mum hadn't moved in with her partner and my ex moved in I'd probably still be living with my Mum. In fact the only reason I have my own home is because my Mum lets me rent her house for half of the going rate.