If you've broken up before, read this...

[Shadow_me]

I have been dumped before and am now experiencing difficult relationship problems. I, like many others have thought that I would never bounce back, be the same, and I have an EXCEPTIONAL story that I would like everyone to read, because I think that in sharing experiences, we can all grow and learn.

I have been through a lot of pain and suffering in my life, because I just couldn't see my life without that significant other. I was always depressed! I never understood that I felt this way because my heart was always broken. I was always angry, and I never knew why... I found out the hard way...

My story begins when I graduated from high school at the young age of 17. I had been with my boyfriend, my first love, for the past two years of my life. I had a lot of potential, a full academic scholarship to the local university, and I thought my life was going places. I felt on top of the world, like I had it all. My boyfriend at the time, left me 1 week after graduation. I GOT DUMPED! I never knew why at the time. I did everything that this site advises not to do, I called, paged, emailed, I even had dinner with his family SEVERAL times and babysat his baby sister, because his family always liked me. I called when I had too much to drink, searched for tidbits of his life with his friends, etc. I quit school, I drank way too much, neglected myself...THIS MADE THE SEPARATION VERY HARD! I thought that HE IS THE ONE, at the time, I KNEW THAT HE WAS THE ONE. Unfortunately for me, he never gave me a reason for the breakup and I constantly searched for an answer. It took me two years to get over him and heal, or so what I thought. I thought I had healed, when in actuality, I had just shoved my feelings aside for him and found someone else that I could love. I never really healed myself from the last breakup.

Now, I am currently in the relationship with the "new boyfriend" and have been with him for the last 5 years. This relationship is nothing like the old one... His family absolutely HATES me and for those of you out there who think you have it bad, trust me, you don't. His family will not have ANY kind of contact with me, I'm not allowed to call there, not allowed on Holidays, NOTHING. This has made this relationship difficult and for the last 5 years, he's always tried to leave me, but it never happens. We always get back together without solving the original issue that began the argument. I never saw that there was anything wrong with what I did or how I acted. This is what always began the fights. I could never see what I was doing. I know that both of us are at fault, but YOU CAN NEVER REALLY BEGIN TO HEAL WITHOUT FIRST UNDERSTANDING YOURSELF. Please keep in mind that I never saw any problem with my previous relationship and never knew why that boyfriend had left.

Enter Christmas 2004. My current boyfriend was away visiting his family in another state for the holidays. I haven't spoken to my ex in 7 years. I find out that on the morning of New Year's Eve, my ex boyfriend had died in a head on collision. This news had opened the wound in my heart that never really healed 7 years earlier. All of the feelings, confusion, heartache, memories, all of it came flooding in. All I could think was that I never knew why he left, and I'd never know. I thought he took it with him to the grave. It was a bit much to deal with... I attended the funeral to pay my last respects, coincidentally on the day of our past relationship's anniversary, and I swear to you, it was there, standing next to his casket, that I finally understood what had happened between us all those years ago... That for 7 years, I had blocked out everything so that I could try to heal... and that I never really did heal. I was always angry and I never felt good enough because I had been dumped. I thought I was dumped for no reason. I always felt insecure and never felt good about myself. I thought I had moved on, but I never did...My heart was broken the whole time. It was like hitting a brick wall...

What I learned was that being that I was young and naive, very inexperienced at the time I was with my ex, I was very insecure and controlling. Understand, that I didn't see this at the time. This is why he left me. Being that I never learned about myself after the breakup, I never got to correct the problem. I never focused on ME, but only HIM. The insecurity carried over to my next relationship and now we argue all the time.

The moral of the story is, I believe that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. If it was meant to be, you will find yourself together. If you have broken up, you need to HEAL. As hard as it may be, you need to examine your relationship and try to learn about yourself so that whatever was wrong with the last one won't happen again whether you get back together or not. Now, I am trying to better myself, trying to understand myself without losing my current boyfriend. I'm not sure if this will happen. But, I do understand now, that you cannot take anything for granted and that you cannot pretend to heal yourself by getting into another relationship. It took me 7 years and the loss of someone I once loved to learn this...Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend very much, but your heart cannot love anyone truly unless you learn to love yourself. You cannot know what you want from a relationship unless first knowing yourself. Know your weaknesses, know your strengths...A wounded heart cannot be whole until it is healed... But, once it is healed, and you can learn to stand alone, it is then that you will be able to stand with others...

Take care all of you and Peace be with you...

[stonesnbones]

You go girl.

I broke up with my ex about a year ago (See thread Been 1 year, stuff going on between ex, and I need advice!!)

I was the dumpee like you, but Im a guy. So my actions are different.

I also did the usual stupid stuff after a breakup, except for me, my ex found another bf and is now moved in with her in her apt. During all that time, I thought I could be her friend, but when it got to the point she started talking about her ex in her emails and stuff, that was when I had to draw the line. I went in NC.

However, what my ex is doing sounds very similar (or at least I hope its the case, minus the death part) to what you did. It sounds as if she blocked her feelings for me and moved onto another person instead of heal because within a very short period of time, she went straight to another guy. She now complains her work sucks, she works too many hours, doesnt have time for anything, and she feels shes lagging in life. THen her bf moving in, within less than a year will probably make it worse.

Me staying in contact with her probably allowed her to continue with these plans because it assured her I was the safety net. Ive been in NC for over a week, and she just emailed me yesterday asking me to write back to make sure I was alive.

I hope this NC speeds up her realization that what shes doing is putting more stress and pain on her than if she healed. I know I shouldn't dwell on this anymore, her life situation is no longer my problem. But I do know if she gave me a chance to learn from my self reflections on what went wrong, that I will be much better and the relationship would have continued. But instead she left.

I just hope Im strong enough to continue NC. Maybe we were meant to be, who knows....

[Dougy]

I'm so sorry Shadow! Thats terrible.

Myself I recently got out of a bad breakup and I really don't take rejection well. At present there is a girl in my art class who I really ,really like but I'm do scared ot tell her how i feel or ask her out or anything becasue I don't want to be rejected again, i just couldn't take it.