My best friend and I have secretly had feelings for each other all along. Now what?

[Harrison]

I moved into a flat with four other people last year and made an instant connection with one of my female roommates. I asked her out twice over the following month but she said no both times, so I took it as a pretty clear sign and never brought it up again after that.

Everyone else eventually moved out, leaving the two of us alone in a big flat. We developed an excellent and extremely close friendship (even if she wasn't attracted to me, I still really liked her), told each other everything and were literally always together.

Nearly two years later, the time I asked her out is ancient history but we still live together and are still inseparable. We go out together and get hammered one night, then once we get back home, we're both out of it and start getting all deep and soppy. I end up telling her that even although she turned me down when we first met, I'd always had feelings for her and loved her very much. She just starts crying and leaves without a word.

A few weeks later we come home drunk again, only this time she's the one who drunkenly opens up. What she said next hit me like a punch in the chest. As it turns out, she'd been attracted to me right from the start and also wished we were more than friends, she just never had the confidence to say.

You see, I had recently broken up with my girlfriend when we met, so when I asked her out those times she thought it was just a rebound and said no. Of course, I thought she just meant no and never asked again, which only served to confirm her suspicion that it wasn't genuine.

Where it gets complicated is that she says she doesn't remember these conversations and I'm not sure of whether they were just drunken nonsense or a sober person's real thoughts spilling out. I've tried talking to her, but she's very secretive, hates serious conversations and will do almost anything to avoid one.

The thing that bothers me the most about all this is that we live together. This is her home, where she's supposed to be able to come to get away from the stresses of daily life, I don't want to be dropping more problems on her, she's got enough going on as it is. I care about her a great deal and her happiness and well-being is very important to me, but all I can think is 'What if it would work...and I don't take my shot?'

[RipVanWinkleX]

The thing that bothers me the most about all this is that we live together. This is her home, where she's supposed to be able to come to get away from the stresses of daily life, I don't want to be dropping more problems on her, she's got enough going on as it is. I care about her a great deal and her happiness and well-being is very important to me, but all I can think is 'What if it would work...and I don't take my shot?'

Life is a gamble... I know that feeling well.

[IndiReloaded]

You've been close friends for more than 2 years. So, now you are both free you should take this opportunity to let her know your true feelings.

Just take it slow, don't dump the motherload. Just ask her out for lunch (use the holiday as an excuse to celebrate the year) and let her know you admire her, why, and ask if she would enjoy spending some more time together. As more than friends. Use words like 'explore mutual feelings', don't use the word love. Not yet.

I'm betting she will respond well. If for some reason you've completely misread the situation (doubtful based on your post), then as friends you will be able to get over it. But don't wait for some other chump to zip to the front of the line. You've got a good friendship as a base. That's huge advantage on your side if you can get up the courage to go for it.

Good luck, happy holidays. Post back what happens, we love reading these success stories (it will be).

[Wakeup]

Where it gets complicated is that she says she doesn't remember these conversations and I'm not sure of whether they were just drunken nonsense or a sober person's real thoughts spilling out. I've tried talking to her, but she's very secretive, hates serious conversations and will do almost anything to avoid one.

If she says that she doesn't remember these conversations re: her opening up to you about her feelings, then did you ask her about them when you both sobered up?

How did it leave off after she said "I don't remember" or are you saying that she didn't actually say "I don't remember", but rather she just acted like she didn't remember?

I question this because it seems that leaving without saying a word while crying is a rather odd way to react if she's having the same feelings for you. Its two years later since you first told her and her not wanting a rebound with you so whats up with the crying and saying nothing if she feels the same way? Did you not ask her why she reacted to your confession that way?

[Harrison]

Wakeup; if I had to take a guess, I'd say she cried because she realized she had been keeping her feelings secret this whole time for nothing, unaware that I was in the exact same situation. She's really socially awkward and not really what most guys would consider conventionally attractive (wears guyish clothes, doesn't wear make-up, etc), and she's never been with a guy in the two years I've known her. But I've been with many women over the last few years, thinking it was fine because we were just buddies, and our bedrooms are right next door to each other. If I had to listen to her and some guy from a bar going at it through the wall, it would be a horrible experience. I can only imagine what it was like for her. Maybe she cried because she realized all of that could have been avoided.

IndiReloaded; Thanks for the advice, that all sounds really good. I'm pretty sure she does remember everything (at least in part), because the air's been slightly more tense over the last few weeks. Since then, I've tested the water slightly by paying closer attention to her, making more physical contact when I talk to her and sitting closer to her when we go out places. She responds positively, but turns to stone when I try to get her to talk to me. My only theory is that she might be scared that I just want to sleep with her and it would destroy our friendship, because she's been used for that by guys in the past. She's very shy and insecure and doesn't get a lot of attention from guys, but I've told her many times that if they knew her like I did, she would. I've had a lot of success with women and people who have seen us together all the time have assumed we're together and told me later they were surprised my girlfriend wasn't hotter (pretty mean, I know). So she might be worried she's not good enough or something. That sounds pretty arrogant, but it's the only explanation I can think of.

But I really have no idea, it's all just speculation.

Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it.
Harrison.

[Wakeup]

if I had to take a guess, I'd say she cried because she realized she had been keeping her feelings secret this whole time for nothing,

Don't guess anymore. Open up and communicate freely from here on out. If she won't talk/communicate to you, then you're going to be confused all the time. I don't know why anyone would cry and leave a converstation without at least coming to sit by your side first and perhaps share a kiss if they've had romantic feelings and just discovered that the 'apple of their eye' feels the same way.

[smackie9]

She really doesn't trust you to have those feelings for her, especially with you banging everything insight. I agree you are going to have to take it slow. Hey it's her loss if she can't get it together.

[IndiReloaded]

Apologies if I missed this part, but what exactly is holding you back from discussing this with her privately? Everything else is just conjecture. You need facts. Action.